So many thoughts and blessings lately I should have accounted for. But, I haven't.

I realized with the post of a friend's son's bday wishes on FB (did you catch that?! :p) that my due date had passed. I had forgotten all about it. Not been in my mind at all. Occasionally it would come to mind and I would think wow, if I were pg I'd not be able to do this or something similar. I am not unhappy with my current state and the what could have been is not in my thoughts except in vague rare passings.

That being said, Matthew and I went to the temple Friday and the thought came that we'd have two more babies. It would be like we have two different sets of children with the age gap between the boys and any that come at this point. I do not feel it was inspiration, just a random thought. However, if it was inspiration I wanted to record it.

And on that note, my bbs are sore. I have had thoughts float through my mind that we would get pg either last month or this month. Very same kind of feelings/thoughts when I got pg with Aaron. The bb thing really has me curious b/c i don't think it is 'normal'. I need to check the calendar but I didn't think I was that far along in my cycle. Just checked the calendar. Yeah, way early for bbs to be sore. I'm only on like day 16. Very interesting.

pregnant?

I think I may be pregnant but trying to wait it out instead of use a third test in the last two weeks. I can't remember when my last period was to know where I am in the cycle. I feel crampy and my bbs are more tender but so far there is nothing.

The countdown is on for paralegal school and the end of the boys' school. Matthew is working every day but today, next Sunday and the day he leaves :/ I could be remembering wrong, but I think I have more anxiety about him going this time than last time. Perhaps because the hardness is more tangible with experience. Perhaps I feel more alone right now because my spiritual habits are seriously lacking. Perhaps because I don't have the network I had in San Antonio to fall back on. Perhaps all of the above. I am sure we will be just fine and it will work for our good, but I dread it at the same time.

I am going to say my period finally started for real. Monday or Tuesday I woke up with a lot of blood. My light miscarriage has been made up for. This is a pretty heavy period with a lot of clots. But hopefully when this is done my body will be ready for a fresh start. I just think it's weird the way last week I'd bleed and then not bleed all in the same day. I should have taken more accurate I - marked it on the calendar or something, but I despite thinking I should I never did.

My ear is doing better though it is not completely  healed. I am down to pain killers closer to every 5 - 6 hours. I think my teeth are going to be next. Aaron had a root canal done yesterday because the cavity was so bad. His gum was swollen with infection too :( He did amazing though. I am so proud of him.

I don't know what my body is doing. All the blood is gone (or at least seems to be) so either I had a really light and short period or my body is wacked.

My earache has effected my head now too and I spent most of the day in pain. Sometimes the attack would be so intense that I could feel it through my face almost to the point of numbness. I queried about it on facebook and the overall opinion is that this is not normal and need to be seen by a doctor again. I keep holding out hope that tomorrow will be better because I hate going to a dr only to find out that they can't do anything about it or there's nothing wrong :/ I guess if I have to pop pills in the morning I should move forward with seeing a dr.

Here's the ironic thing. The day or two after I miscarried I had shooting pains in this same ear/area and they went away after a couple of days. What are the odds that the ear pains would return around the same time as another bleeding episode?

I haven't done a good job of keeping track of the doings of my body passed the week mark of the miscarriage. I bled and cramped off and on for another week and then week 3 it was spotty. I kept thinking I was done and then surprise! I had a LOT of blood tinged mucus. It looked stretchy and fertile but I wasn't sure whether it was that or perhaps infection? I was relieved to go to the midwife that week (appt was April 4) and find out that everything looked good and healed, and she confirmed that it did look like fertile mucus and perhaps my body was trying to ovulate. Sure enough the mucus changed and went away for a few days so I anticipated my period arriving some time this week. Sunday night I had very mild cramping and a little bit of blood so I thought maybe that was it. But nope, nothing. Last night I went to the bathroom and was surprised to discover a "lot" of blood/clots in the toilet. No warning. I guess this is my period? Today the blood is more brown. I expect this is my period but it is also the final cleansing of my uterus.

Between this weirdness and an ear infection, I have not been very motivated to exercise. It is like contractions in my ear. As painful as the m/c was, I've been popping pills for my ear ache like crazy while I did nothing for the contractions.

It is almost 1 am and tomorrow promises to be a long day, but I have spent the last couple of hours reading the blog of a sister I visit teach who adopted a boy from Russia after 8 years of infertility. I loved reading her journey and feel a connection with her in some of our shared experiences. I ventured to check out some of the blogs on her blog roll and came across a woman who suffered 8 miscarriages - all with IVF. I cannot fathom the pain and heartache to endure that many failed hopes.

We have spent the weekend in Hershey, PA while Matthew is on orders for the week. The hotel has a pool that the boys have enjoyed swimming. Today an earache came on for me so I wasn't able to be in the water with them, but instead watched them play with Matthew and reflect on the times that I neglected them in the water and almost lost them though I was clueless. Almost every time that swimming is mentioned, the boys will bring up instances where they have almost drowned. I am so grateful for guardian angels who made sure that their lives were secure. I am a selfish mother in many regards. I love my boys but I could do better - be better.

I think I have forgotten what it is to yearn for children and to enjoy the privilege of having them in my home.