It is almost 1 am and tomorrow promises to be a long day, but I have spent the last couple of hours reading the blog of a sister I visit teach who adopted a boy from Russia after 8 years of infertility. I loved reading her journey and feel a connection with her in some of our shared experiences. I ventured to check out some of the blogs on her blog roll and came across a woman who suffered 8 miscarriages - all with IVF. I cannot fathom the pain and heartache to endure that many failed hopes.

We have spent the weekend in Hershey, PA while Matthew is on orders for the week. The hotel has a pool that the boys have enjoyed swimming. Today an earache came on for me so I wasn't able to be in the water with them, but instead watched them play with Matthew and reflect on the times that I neglected them in the water and almost lost them though I was clueless. Almost every time that swimming is mentioned, the boys will bring up instances where they have almost drowned. I am so grateful for guardian angels who made sure that their lives were secure. I am a selfish mother in many regards. I love my boys but I could do better - be better.

I think I have forgotten what it is to yearn for children and to enjoy the privilege of having them in my home.