Sometimes I make a mess of things. Sometimes is happening a lot lately. My throat is sore from screaming. Jared is downstairs bawling. I get so frustrated and Matthew cleans up the mess. It isn't fair to him or the boys. I am approaching 8 weeks and the worry/stress of whether I'll hear a heartbeat Dec 3rd is playing its toll I think.  And the boys have hit this streak lately that just infuriates me - a total lack of regard for authority. Jared is struggling too but instead of talking with him I yell and cut him off. I worry about our relationship as he grows. We are on a rocky road that will not end well if I don't get myself together.

Tiredness has overwhelmed me. For the most part I have fought it and taken snippets of naps when I absolutely need to, but today I have mostly slept the day away. I got up at 9ish, made the boys breakfast, then laid down about 11? and then didn't get up again until 1:15. I showered and could have gone right back down and slept the rest of the day. I am beginning to wonder if my iron levels are really low. I should probably start taking some vitamins.

Tues I am picking up an arms reach co-sleeper from freecycle. I have wanted one of those but they don't come cheap. I happened to be thinking about them again the other night as I wondered how we would set up for a baby, then lo and behold one shows up on freecycle so I decided to take it. I hope that we will have the opportunity to use it.

Matthew came home in the middle of the day yesterday for a break and in the process of our discussion, I told him I was pregnant. He was not surprised because a couple of days ago he was wondering if I was. I feel peace and am trusting everything to the Lord. I pray that I can endure well whatever the outcome may be.

Suspicions confirmed. Now to figure out when to tell Matthew and the boys. The boys have said things a couple of times in the last few weeks that make me go hmm. We found out last Monday nightnthat M's aunt has stage 4 cancer and that his gma broke her hip and was in the hospital getting surgery. The next morning I was going to tell the boys and Jared said, 'let me guess. You were going to have another baby but it died.' :( I think it affected him harder than I thought. Aaron has been talking about more babies too. Random things like hand-me-downs and doing things for the babies. I told him that maybe there'd be more. He'd need to pray for them to come. He asked why, and I answered that that would probably be the only way they came. And here I am with the possibility, at least, once again. I think I will ask Matthew for a blessing.

Last night I was so tired, but then once I was in bed i couldn't go to sleep. Finally it came, and then I got up to go potty at 3 and felt wide awake. I did the test then and waited until this morning to see the result. Aaron got up at 4 and was wide awake. I finally left him at 4:30 to go back to my own bed. It took a while to go back to sleep, but I did. And deep. It was hard to get up when my alarm went off at 6:15. Last night I was feeling pretty nauseous and then at 4 I was starving. I'm feeling a little sick again this morning. I don't know if this is good or bad to feel this way. I had my moments like this last time too.

It is day 29. I think I may have been correct after all. I thought *maybe* I'd lost the plug yesterday but I have been mostly dry since so perhaps not. I have been really tired the last couple of days but sleep patterns have been off. Tonight I am especially tired though it was a really long and stressful day. I had my morning smoothie at 9 am and then nothing until almost 4:30 p. I almost passed out. Thankfully I had an apple and cheese stick in my purse so I could have something in my system before driving home from church. Tonight Matthew shaved his head and the site of the hair in the toilet almost made me vomit. Depending on how many times I get up in the middle of the night, I plan on testing in the morning.

So many thoughts and blessings lately I should have accounted for. But, I haven't.

I realized with the post of a friend's son's bday wishes on FB (did you catch that?! :p) that my due date had passed. I had forgotten all about it. Not been in my mind at all. Occasionally it would come to mind and I would think wow, if I were pg I'd not be able to do this or something similar. I am not unhappy with my current state and the what could have been is not in my thoughts except in vague rare passings.

That being said, Matthew and I went to the temple Friday and the thought came that we'd have two more babies. It would be like we have two different sets of children with the age gap between the boys and any that come at this point. I do not feel it was inspiration, just a random thought. However, if it was inspiration I wanted to record it.

And on that note, my bbs are sore. I have had thoughts float through my mind that we would get pg either last month or this month. Very same kind of feelings/thoughts when I got pg with Aaron. The bb thing really has me curious b/c i don't think it is 'normal'. I need to check the calendar but I didn't think I was that far along in my cycle. Just checked the calendar. Yeah, way early for bbs to be sore. I'm only on like day 16. Very interesting.

pregnant?

I think I may be pregnant but trying to wait it out instead of use a third test in the last two weeks. I can't remember when my last period was to know where I am in the cycle. I feel crampy and my bbs are more tender but so far there is nothing.