A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had the baby early. There was no labor and though I had a baby, I never saw it. Last night I dreamt that I was in the bathroom and when I wiped a huge blobby clot came out - the beginning of a miscarriage. I hope it is just my apprehension and not a premonition. One week to go to find out.

It was quite the emotional week. At the end of Thurs night's breakdown Matthew decided that he would be in charge of Jared when he got home from work. Friday got off earlier, rearranged his 'office' and created a desk space for Jared to do his homework. The result after school was amazing. Jared responded so well to the set up and program that Matthew put in to place. They organized all his assignments on separate post it notes, they alternated choosing an assignment, and had frequent breaks. There ended up being 10 post its. By the time we had dinner, 5 had been accomplished and not a word was said from me. Unfortunately he chose all the relatively easy ones which meant all the writing assignments were left for the actual weekend. Matthew had drill so Jared and I decided (well, mostly I did) that we would keep up this program and accomplish his HW while Matthew was at work so that when he got home it was free time. It took all day, but he did it. There were tears and a little bit of words exchanged, but it was done and there was rejoicing.

It is becoming more and more apparent that Jared and I are treading a line that will define our relationship for the rest of his growing years and it isn't pretty. I know he loves me, but I think there is also anger and resentment boiling under the surface. I don't react well to his ADHD and find his behavior quite frustrating. As a result, I am quick to lose my patience. Many times words come out harsher than they need to be. To Aaron as well.

This week especially I have felt a lot of anger and just want to yell and scream. I think a lot of it is hormones and stress over the outcome of this pregnancy. Last night I was having a lot of cramps and felt so nauseous that I thought for sure I'd lost the baby, but today I feel fine again so who knows. I've asked Matthew for a blessing. Several times I've thought about telling the boys - at least Jared - what is going on, but just can't quite bring myself to do it. On one hand I think it would be helpful, but on the other I don't want him especially to have to carry the burden of worry either. It is two weeks til my appointment. Come what may, I can make it two weeks, right?

Sometimes I make a mess of things. Sometimes is happening a lot lately. My throat is sore from screaming. Jared is downstairs bawling. I get so frustrated and Matthew cleans up the mess. It isn't fair to him or the boys. I am approaching 8 weeks and the worry/stress of whether I'll hear a heartbeat Dec 3rd is playing its toll I think.  And the boys have hit this streak lately that just infuriates me - a total lack of regard for authority. Jared is struggling too but instead of talking with him I yell and cut him off. I worry about our relationship as he grows. We are on a rocky road that will not end well if I don't get myself together.

Tiredness has overwhelmed me. For the most part I have fought it and taken snippets of naps when I absolutely need to, but today I have mostly slept the day away. I got up at 9ish, made the boys breakfast, then laid down about 11? and then didn't get up again until 1:15. I showered and could have gone right back down and slept the rest of the day. I am beginning to wonder if my iron levels are really low. I should probably start taking some vitamins.

Tues I am picking up an arms reach co-sleeper from freecycle. I have wanted one of those but they don't come cheap. I happened to be thinking about them again the other night as I wondered how we would set up for a baby, then lo and behold one shows up on freecycle so I decided to take it. I hope that we will have the opportunity to use it.

Matthew came home in the middle of the day yesterday for a break and in the process of our discussion, I told him I was pregnant. He was not surprised because a couple of days ago he was wondering if I was. I feel peace and am trusting everything to the Lord. I pray that I can endure well whatever the outcome may be.

Suspicions confirmed. Now to figure out when to tell Matthew and the boys. The boys have said things a couple of times in the last few weeks that make me go hmm. We found out last Monday nightnthat M's aunt has stage 4 cancer and that his gma broke her hip and was in the hospital getting surgery. The next morning I was going to tell the boys and Jared said, 'let me guess. You were going to have another baby but it died.' :( I think it affected him harder than I thought. Aaron has been talking about more babies too. Random things like hand-me-downs and doing things for the babies. I told him that maybe there'd be more. He'd need to pray for them to come. He asked why, and I answered that that would probably be the only way they came. And here I am with the possibility, at least, once again. I think I will ask Matthew for a blessing.

Last night I was so tired, but then once I was in bed i couldn't go to sleep. Finally it came, and then I got up to go potty at 3 and felt wide awake. I did the test then and waited until this morning to see the result. Aaron got up at 4 and was wide awake. I finally left him at 4:30 to go back to my own bed. It took a while to go back to sleep, but I did. And deep. It was hard to get up when my alarm went off at 6:15. Last night I was feeling pretty nauseous and then at 4 I was starving. I'm feeling a little sick again this morning. I don't know if this is good or bad to feel this way. I had my moments like this last time too.

It is day 29. I think I may have been correct after all. I thought *maybe* I'd lost the plug yesterday but I have been mostly dry since so perhaps not. I have been really tired the last couple of days but sleep patterns have been off. Tonight I am especially tired though it was a really long and stressful day. I had my morning smoothie at 9 am and then nothing until almost 4:30 p. I almost passed out. Thankfully I had an apple and cheese stick in my purse so I could have something in my system before driving home from church. Tonight Matthew shaved his head and the site of the hair in the toilet almost made me vomit. Depending on how many times I get up in the middle of the night, I plan on testing in the morning.