Some things change by not changing.

Changes were definitely in the works, but it wasn't quite what we were expecting. Matthew had his last day of active duty time Friday and with it came an evaulation from a 'grumpy' supervisor. A couple of comments were made on it that ultimately tell anyone reading it to not promote him. Matthew was so angry and frustrated that he's decided to transfer to a unit in the building that is deploying. I told him I would support him as long as he prayed about it. I would support him if the Lord said it was good. So, yesterday we both fasted about it. Before Matthew even finished his question the Lord told him he knew what he should do. Matthew's position is that it just makes sense in so many way, but he was going to wait until the end of his fast and ask again. The further response he got was that it did indeed make sense, but be prepared for something unexpected. Who knows what that means, but it is exactly the kind of answer Matthew needs because he doesn't like surprises and the Lord agreed his logic was sound.

A few weeks ago he got an email from the New Jersey unit asking if he was still interested in the position there. It is the closest lead we've gotten as far as jobs go. Who knows - maybe that will work out. We'll see.

So, this morning Matthew is headed back to the Reserve Center to find out as much information as he can regarding this deployment. I don't like the idea of him deploying to Kuwait, but if it is the best thing than it is the right thing.

I suppose Matthew's work situation really isn't a change. It's more of the same with different variables, but my responsibilities were tweaked. It was I who was called as the Primary President. Matthew knew right away what it was, but I was in denial. I think often of my first Primary Presidency with great fondness and nastolgia. But, I have a fantastic presidency. I am surrounded by incredible women who are right for these children right now.

Last night Jared was telling me a conversation with one of the other Primary kids at school. She'd asked if I was still the pianist or the president. Jared told her I was the president. I asked him if he liked me being the president, and he said he did. I've used Matthew as a sub every week he's been available since we've been in lol Jared seemed happy that we've been there as a whole family.

Yesterday was Easter, so we dyed eggs and had our annual hunt. We had the boys hide in their room while Matthew hid Jared's in the white room and I hid Aaron's in the white room. They took turns finding their eggs. Whatever they couldn't find in 3 minutes went into hot/cold game mode. After all the eggs were found, the boys hid our eggs in the blue room for us to find. It was a lot of fun :)

Changes

Matthew submitted his resume to about 24 job postings. Most of the Unit Administrator ones were denied being "well qualified" but 3 did go through: Ft. Mead, MD; Ft. Lewis, WA; Ardmore, OK. Of the three, we're voting for OK but really we'll take whatever we get.

I've found myself over the last weeks - possibly months - being critical/judgmental about some of the things in Primary. I've had to remind myself to reserve judgment. The last time I was that way I got called as the President. Actually, every time I end up as President. I've been feeling pretty cozy in my calling as pianist, but having 'what if' type musings too. Last night the Ex Sec called to schedule an appt with Matthew and me. I was in the middle of Sam's so I didn't quite catch how he phrased things. Matthew doesn't have a calling right now and I have three. This morning Matthew asked me how many and what callings I have now so he can know which one I'm getting released from. I laughed and made a prideful remark about the callings I hold being pretty secure. Well.... maybe not.

This morning they released the Primary Presidency without calling anyone to replace them. uh oh. This got my wheels turning and of course whenever a major change like that takes place everyone starts eyeing everyone else to figure out who will be the replacements. I don't think I'll be President because I'd expect to have been notified before the Presidency was released. Clemencia Chacon (one of the counselors in the Presidency) was talking with the now former Secretary about getting together to maintain their friendship despite not working together anymore. Clemencia asked Shelby if she knew it was going to happen, then she asked me if I was aware of it. In that question I had the idea that Clemencia would be the new President and asking me was the subtle way of finding out if I'd been talked to yet or not. We'll find out this evening......

I was wondering who would replace me as the pianist, then I thought of Matthew. heh heh heh

But who knows. Maybe it is him getting the calling.

Blah - crisis?

I am feeling so weepy and sad and frustrated and blah. We had a great week despite my fears about the stress of starting piano again this last week. Matthew and I went on a date Friday to rollerskate and yesterday we went as a family to Eisenhour park to walk the trails. All great stuff. After we got done 'hiking' I took a bathroom break and had quite the surprise waiting for me. I thought I had a few more days. My body is all wacked out right now. I had a 22 day cycle last time and this one was 25 with only an 8 day lp. I don't know what my body is doing. Plus I am not losing any weight. Today I am back to where I was two weeks ago. It is so frustrating.

For some reason this cycle I was starting to think about babies and pregnancy again and it made me a bit sad to be side-swiped with the beginning of a new one. I really don't want a winter baby, so this isn't the ideal time to be trying to get pg if I wanted to. The end of April or May would be the earliest I'd want to try, but I don't know how we'd afford a baby anyway. Matthew's active duty ends this week and then we're back to limbo. We'll lose our food stamps this week b/c we went over the income threshold at the end of Feb. The good news is that it is tax season and we will probably get quite the chunk so we can live off of it for a few months at least. I plan on starting another kids class as well as an adult theory class; and I started a new student this week. So, there's some extra income ready to come in too.

I'm having all kinds of other thoughts too, and I'm wondering if I am headed for a change (hopefully for the better). I feel like I'm wandering and need to find my way back home. I think this is what is keeping Matthew from being mobilized. I've come to realize that although I am home with the boys more, he is the stable steady teaching influence in our home. I am so grateful he is here. He is such a good father. I feel like I've checked out and am merely a body in the home fascilitating but not investing.

Sick

Because this is my blog and my thoughts, I can complain about this here, right? I don't think it's very funny to have cramps on top of an achey body from sickness. Seems like a cruel joke :p

Matthew had a flat tire on the way to work today, so I ended up taking him to work. He told me that Mr. A had sent an email up to division to find out what was going on with the mobilization. Late this afternoon I got an email from Matthew with a communication that they wanted to see his last 3 evaluations if he was still interested in the opportunity. Of course he sent them and apparently this is a good sign that they requested them. So, as I thought, the game isn't over yet.

Today Jared brought home a request to test him for the Gifted/Talented program. I'm really happy for him :) Matthew isn't sure it's a good idea, but I think it would be an opportunity to give him some better peers. The biggest challenge is the extra work that will result, but I think he ought to at least be given the opportunity to try. We'll see.

Today is the Day

Up to this point we haven't heard anything about the mobilization, so we've been in carefree limbo. But, this morning when I knelt to pray the thought 'It'll happen" came into my mind. So, I expect we'll get the orders today while Matthew is at work. The start date is Friday, so he'd have to be in place before then. I've prayed that whatever is best for our family is what will happen, so in that regard I know we'll be just fine. But, I'm still feeling anxious. Most of that is just the anticipation and waiting I think though. Matthew told me last night that we need to get all of our money deposited today so we can start fresh at least. I do have all of my piano checks still from last month so I do really need to get them in the bank.

Yesterday was the Stake Conference broadcast from Salt Lake. It was a great meeting. Elder Jensen, Sis. Dibb (Pres Monson's daughter), Elder Ballard and Pres Monson were the speakers. How cool is it to say that Pres Monson spoke at our Stake Conference?! I think Sis. Dibb's was the most memorable for me because she gave us an acronym to remember:

Pray
Read the Book of Mormon every day for 5 min
Obey
Smile. We can follow the prophet by smiling and being happy :) I liked that one.

I talked to Jared about her talk afterwards. He's decided that he's going to make the BOM as part of his required 15 min of reading for school. He started last night and was a bit frustrated by all the hard names, but he finally settled on Alma preaching in Ammonihah. He made it through the first two pages, but he did it!

I asked him if he thought I smiled/was happy enough. He said that I was happy sometimes, but I was usually unhappy. When questioned further, he said that it was because of their - his - behavior that made me unhappy. I worry about how he will grow up and what kind of relationship we will have. I worry that he is not getting enough positive attention. Elder Ballard commented that families should be a safe haven. That there should be love and security there. It is easy to love on Aaron because he readily accepts it, initiates it, craves it. Jared needs it, but fights it too. He wants to be snuggly, but he can be rough about it and fight it. I had the boys switch places and separated them, and cuddled Jared. I know he relished it. I need to find ways to do that more and to give him positive attention.

Thurs he got in trouble for stealing - which is something we've talked to him a lot about. Honesty was one of the topics yesterday, and I wonder what kind of example am I setting? What do I need to change in the way I speak and act so that Jared will be more honest too?

I need to be more of a do-er instead of a passive sitter.

opportunities?

I was thinking this morning about how much we need to document the things going on in our life, but I've been so bad about it. I think I will begin using this blog as a more consistent journal.

I'm not sure where to begin. The big vague summation is that our opportunities seem to be tied to a revolving door and every time we think we'll get to step out, the door closes and a new option opens.

Currently Matthew is on orders through the 4th. When he went on orders at the beginning of Jan, the plan was that he'd work through Feb 9th, then they'd try to get him funding through the end of the month. At that point they would support/fund him going to parallegal school. Well, when Matthew processed the soldier's paperwork who was supposed to be in the slot to kick him out, the guy called and they worked it out so that that soldier will fulfill his responsibilities and go to paralegal school. Well, that was disappointing, but it was going to be ok because there was nother opportunity opening that would provide for a career that M would be happy with.

There is a Unit Administrator position that we thought M would be able to get. Mr. A was originally the one doing the hiring for the position. As long as M's resume made it to his desk, he'd get the job. In order to ensure it made it through all the jumps in the computer system, Mr. A told him exactly what to say. M was even going to go to Tennesee for a week sometime this month to fill in as a UA for the unit he'd be going to. The job would go online in March. Well, Matthew came home yesterday and said that opportunity was most likely a bust. A UA unit is being created and Mr.A will no longer be the one doing the hiring which means his odds of being chosen are slim.

So, where does this leave us? Another lead. They've put in a request for 60 day orders, but there is also a mobilization opportunity. It would be a great stepping stone to be able to check off a lot of little boxes that M needs to further his opportunities for Federeal jobs. Here are the details. It's a 7 month mobilization to one of three places: Wisconsin, New Jersey, or South Carolina. The kicker - he'd report Feb 11th - next Friday!!! and the return date is Sept 30th. There are only 5 openings, so again the odds are slim but it is something. I am scared and nervous and hopeful all at the same time.

I know something good is waiting for us, and maybe it's all the blessings along the way. But we can't keep living on hopes. As nice as food stamps are, it isn't the way it should be nor the way we want it to be.

The Close of a Year

As the 2010 Christmas Day arrives, it has been one year since I spent the night laboring for a 6 week old fetus. It is amazing to me the transitions that have happened for me over the last year - the ups and downs and healings that have come. My wounds have been bound and for the most part the scar is faded. The miscarriage is a fact that is no longer colored with emotion. I still find myself sitting on the fence about having another baby. Aaron and Jared both are working their way out of diapers, and I'm ready to pack that stage up and move on. Though another baby would still be welcome and wanted, I also feel ready to purge the house of baby things. I want to declutter and move forward. When I told Matthew I wanted to purge, he asked if that meant I didn't want another one and if I did, then we should keep it. So, it all still sits. If nothing else, we should downsize b/c we have more than enough. Simplify.

I believe that the miscarriage was one of the Lord's tender mercies. There is no way we could have afforded a baby this year. We have literally gone to our last pennies. We went on food stamps at the end of November and we've sent in a request to withdraw funds from our TSP to pay for taxes in January. Despite the financial hardship, I am in awe - absolute awe - at the blessings we've been given.

For two months the focus of my fasts were on Matthew's/our family's behalf that we'd have the financial means to support our family. Both times within days Matthew was called for interviews, but nothing ever came of them. In December I offered a fast of gratitude instead and the blessings have poured in. Matthew struggled with his health this month, but worked as much as he could - which really wasn't much. We were able to qualify for the food stamps and the amount alotted is so above and beyond our typical food budget that it was absolutely overwhelming the first time I went into the grocery store to buy food. I walked down the aisle thinking, "I could buy whatever I want." I ended up walking out of the store with nothing because of the vastness of the opportunity. We came up with a budget and a plan and now it's better. We received our card on Nov 30th. Leftover amounts carry over to the next month, so we received a full amount that day and then another month's worth Dec 1st. We've decided to use the extra money to really re-stock and stock our pantry so that when we no longer qualify we'll be ok - which looks like it may be sooner than we expected.

Matthew had drill last weekend. He came home with the news that he was told to put in a Request For Orders from Jan 3rd - Feb 9th with the possibility that the work will be extended to March. If it does and he is able to accomplish what they need him to, they will send him to paralegal school then. The next session would start in April. It's a big 'if', but it is still a month's worth of full-time work - and for the Army which is good pay!! We figured that by mid-January we'd go over the income limit for the food stamps and we'll lose the benefits in just a few weeks.

Despite the good news, we were a little disappointed that Matthew wasn't on the schedule at all for the river this week. However, Monday morning Matthew got a call from dispatch asking if he could go in that evening. He did and ended up being put on the schedule every day except Christmas Eve and Day! In one week he's worked as much as one month. Plus he'll be working a lot next week because it is Bowl week.

I felt hesitant about requesting money from our TSP because I'd hoped there would be some way we could find the money. I didn't see how though and realized we needed to get the paperwork in or there was a chance we would end up being delinquent. At this point I'm looking at our financial prospects and thinking we might have been ok after all. But, perhaps the Lord needed us to show something on our end too.

As Christmas started looming, I was thinking a 'what if' scenerio of our family being spotlighted on an angel tree. I wondered what we'd need/want. I realized that there was a true need for just about everyone - especially the boys and Matthew, and I was able to pick one fun thing for the boys too. My 'what if' wasn't real, but amazingly enough our needs have been fulfilled. I found a ton of underwear for Aaron in a box of clothes that someone had given me. One of Matthew's relatives sent us a check that enabled me to buy school shoes for Jared and socks for Matthew (as well as all other Christmas presents), and a friend gave us a bunch of jeans that fit Jared as well as a gift card at JcPenny enabling us to purchase other clothing as needed - like a much needed dress shirt for Matthew. Thankfully with his Army orders that won't be a pressing matter for awhile.

I had bought toys on clearance along the way this year, so I wasn't really worried about the boys' Christmas - except for the clothes that were needed. However, we were identified by Matthew's unit as a family in need, so the Commander bought each of the boys a gift and awarded Matthew a silent auction win that he'd been eye-ing but did not bid on. I know the boys will love their gifts and it was so generous of the unit. I was wrapping presents Thurs night and feeling pretty satisfied with how Christmas was going to turn out. I felt like we had enough and were really blessed. Then, this morning when I was getting ready to leave to go to the grocery store I noticed two garbage bags at our door - filled with gifts for us. It was overwhelming for me. I have a feeling I know who did it b/c one of my friends asked if the boys were going to have a good Christmas. I didn't give much of a response, and I wouldn't be surprised if they went Santa on me :) I have such good friends, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Our cup overfloweth. I am so grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness of others. We are SO blessed.