It is over.

Once I laid down at 2 am I had contractions pretty regularly for the rest of the night. At one point I thought about waking Matthew up to rub my back but I just let him sleep. I got up off and on to go potty, but around 5:30 I had a really strong contraction and Matthew asked in his semi-conscious asleep state if I needed to walk around to get my water to break. I told him no, but then I felt a small gush and made a dash to the bathroom and didn't leave again until almost 8.

About 6:15 I hit transition. I HATE transition. My ears were buzzing, I broke out into a sweat, I was afraid I'd puke or pass out. My arms were limp. oh man it is rough. Finally it passed and I expected to feel the pushing contractions or a gush or something but they didn't come. I tried pushing anyway to get some movement and got none. I even tried pushing on my uterus. I think around 7 I stood up to see if changing position would help, and when I sat back down I finally felt the descent but never felt it completely pass. I decided to wipe and see what would happen and that is how I discovered the flesh was there at the opening and was stuck. I tugged a bit and got a large flat piece of tissue. There was still more stuck there and no matter how hard I tried to push it on out, it wouldn't come. Eventually I took some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand and pulled the remaining tissue from my body. It was long and stringy, but definitely more flesh/tissue product. Most of the contractions had subsided by this point so once I was convinced it was pretty much over, I cleaned up and left the bathroom. I was hungry from the effort and cold from the sweat of transition so I grabbed a stick of string cheese and hurried to get under the blankets with Matthew. We talked a little bit and then I went back to sleep.

I didn't get to rest long before the boys were up and playing in my bed. I finally sent them away so I could sleep, but Matthew was in and out by then too preparing for a trek down to Ft Dix. I really wanted to go, but I also wanted to stay home. About 9:30 I felt another gush of liquid so I ran to the bathroom again though I grabbed clothes so I could shower after. Finally a large clot came and I was able to feel empty. I feel much better now that I have showered.

I was telling Matthew that this experience is so different than the last one. There were a lot of blood clots the first time, but this time not so much. It seemed a lot drier, so I was relieved to have at least one large clot come. I know I experienced labor the first time, but I don't recall having the sharp pains in the contractions across my abdomen and back like this time. It also didn't take as long between transition and delivery. However, start to finish was a lot of quicker this time. The first sign of blood was Wed and I delivered in the early hours of Saturday vs first blood on Monday and not delivering until the early hours of Friday. Well, it is close. Matthew's response to this conversation was that every pregnancy is different :p

I have felt pretty much at peace with the situation and have not been sad or cried about it since Wed. However, as I laid in bed this morning thinking about showering, my mind wandered to my previous births and wondered how soon after I showered. And what did I do with my boys/babies? Did someone hold them while I showered? Did I leave them in the nursery cart? I don't remember. And then I thought of those tiny babies and it made me sad to not have one to cuddle and take care of. Only then did tears come, but there were no sobs.

Someone on facebook had posted the BYI Alumni profile of a family in our ward. Since I am on bedrest, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I learned that this family lost two of their children in a row. Such heartache. It was hard to watch considering my circumstances, but when it comes to families it is all kinds of hard.

Last night I started to feel kind of crampy like I do when my period is due. I think I lost my mucus plug earlier in the day. I had a glob of green come out that I assume was it. I went to the bathroom around 11:30 pm and had a little bit of spotting and some more cramping. The other day I looked at the calendar to figure how much time passed last time between my first show of blood to the actual delivery. If I remember right, it was a Mon when I started spotting but Christmas Eve was on Friday. So it took about 5 days from start to finish. My lower back is sore today and I feel more wet and crampy this morning. I know my body is starting to do its work but we'll see how long the process will take this time.

Yesterday afternoon I was helping Jared with his homework in his room, and though I don't remember how the conversation came up, somehow we started talking about how sad I was the day before and told them that I will probably be sad for awhile. Finally Jared asked why I was sad, but then said, 'I know. Someone died.' I affirmed that guess. And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but a baby dying was mentioned and they thought I was referring to another child, but finally it started to sink in that it was OUR baby who died. It came as a complete shock for them because they had no idea. I told them that we weren't going to say anything so they wouldn't be sad, but went ahead and told them because he asked. I spoke mostly to Jared because he was fueling the conversation with questions, but Aaron was also present and expressed his grief that he wanted a baby too. Jared wanted to know why I didn't look pregnant. I told him that a baby takes about 40 weeks to grow, ours was 8 weeks when it died - the week we got back from TX. So it was really small. He wanted to know why it quit growing. I told him I have no idea, but he could ask Heavenly Father because He would know. He wondered if and suggested the doctors could find out. I told him they could, but they won't. He wanted to know if it was a girl or boy. I told him that it was too small/young to know. He said he wanted a girl baby. I told him, maybe it was going to be a boy so Heavenly Father stopped it from growing :)

I pressed upon them that I didn't want people to know about the situation so they are not to tell others. We can talk about it between ourselves but do not discuss it with others. Jared asked what if he started crying in the middle of school. Basically he wanted to know if he could discuss it with the guidance counselor who has been working so closely with him. I gave him permission because that is one more variable for him to be dealing with. I told them it was ok to cry, pray, draw pictures, write in their journal, whatever they needed to do to grieve. They both decided to draw a picture. I think it helped them because they were kind of laughing by the end with some of the things they added to it. I thought about showing them a picture from babycenter about what the baby - fetus really - looked like, but I decided to let it go.

Matthew has expressed that he keeps thinking somehow it is his fault though he knows it isn't. He has been sweet and kind and asked what he can do to help. Finally this morning I told him there really isn't anything he can do except give me a blessing. He agreed that was probably the only realistic response. He had to go to work so obviously it wasn't the right time for it, but he has the time to prepare himself mentally now and will do it when he is ready, I am sure.

This morning he discovered the happy news that he has been transferred to the Paralegal part of the unit. It happened the day after drill. This unit doesn't dawdle!! He is so excited :D It means that his opportunity is in the works. And amidst this great thing happening, I can't feel justified in being bitter about this pregnancy not working out. Obviously the Lord is orchestrating a great thing in our lives and there is a reason behind the heartache. I was continuing my reading in Ether as the Jaredites board the boats and cross the great waters. I found a great parallel there as they get swallowed up in the sea and the waves dash upon them, but they are safe inside their vessels and have the Light from Christ to guide them on the inside. They have moments of being swallowed up, but they are also brought to the surface for refreshment and respite all the while praying and singing praises for the Lord's tender mercies.

She is coming

For Mother's Day Sharon and I got to sing a song together called Mother's Knee or something like that. It is a Janice Kapp Perry song that just makes you want to bawl lol Funny back story - in January Sis. Andrew asked me to play the piano in sacrament mtg for her while she attended to her stake duties. She suggested that if I had a song I'd like to play, I could do that too. So, I searched for one and finally settled on Always by Lindy Kerby. I love it, but I was not able to have it performance ready in the short window I had. I decided what I'd really like to do is sing. I haven't been able to sing for such a long time. I told Sharon the situation and asked if she'd like to sing with me. She agreed, but I couldn't think of a song I wanted to do. Well, Lynette came back from her duties and a few weeks passed. I was gone when Lynette approached Sharon about doing a mother's day song together. Perfect! I told Lynette this week as we practiced the story, and she was so glad to know that she was inspired to pick us to sing this song together.

I was really nervous, but the performer in me (and heavenly help) pulled it off and it was beautiful. The song has two verses. The first verse asks if we've taught our sons enough about being a man, etc and the second one is about daughters. Then the chorus is about the importance of mothers. Well, as we were rehearsing yesterday morning, we were on the second verse and Sharon was singing her phrase about listening awhile when the thought came: 'She's coming.' In that moment I knew that our very own daughter will come to us soon.

I have been going back and forth about being pregnant while Matthew is gone for awhile now. I told him when I got called as Primary President that I was going to get pregnant, and he'd leave me like the last time. I dread the low energy and inhibition that pregnancy brings when there is so much I want to accomplish while Matthew is gone. I happened to be fasting yesterday morning, so when I came home from church to pray and end my fast, I recalled the feeling I had and told him my concerns but that in the end, my body is his and I will not deny a baby from coming to our family. Somehow we will be ok and our needs will be provided for. I did ask however that Matthew receive a confirmation as well. When I miscarried, I felt that we are meant to have a spring baby (around April) and June is the earliest to get pregnant for a spring baby. So, it is about the right time of year though still close to the winter months.

Heartache

Jared expressed to me again tonight the sadness he is feeling about the lost baby. My heart aches for him, and I realize we really didn't encourage him to grieve. We cried together the day we found out that the baby had died, and I let him know it was ok to cry, but once he finished crying he spent the rest of the week in a Wii trance. The funny thing is that I think he's remembered the baby more since it's death than when I was actually pregnant. While pregnant, he called the baby Peaches. Perhaps naming it gave him more of a connection. I think the emptiness of the house is making the memory and loss more acute for him. I am grateful for the music I can make to work through my feelings. I don't know what to do for him other than to hold him and be close.

As good a spot as any...

I'm having thoughts that I want out there, but not necessarily in a way that is quite so obvious. I figure putting it here with Aaron's birth story is appropriate because it is a birth story in its own right. I will probably come back and actually make a 'birth story' at some point:

For anyone reading who may not know, I got pregnant in November of 2009 with a July 18, 2010 due date; but miscarried at 10 weeks - Christmas Eve. I saved all the tissue that passed, but they couldn't find any fetal tissue to test. When I went for my 9 week appt, they didn't listen for the heartbeat, which I found odd. But, I am grateful too because of the way things played out. I started bleeding the following week, Monday night. Tuesday morning I went in for an u/s and discovered a life-less 6 week old fetus. It was very sad for all of us. But, if it had to happen, the Lord did it in the best way possible. I have been able to recognize the blessings in the experience. And as I was miscarrying, I felt the Lord tell me that this was not meant to be a July baby but a spring baby. I'm thinking she'll return to us in April (which would mean we get pg in July). We'll see though.

I was really mad that there was no fetal tissue for the lab to test. All the effort that I went through to sort through the blood and save the tissues seemed like such a wasted effort. I know what I saw too! As the anger coursed through me though, at the same time I felt the Lord tell me to calm down because it just wasn't meant to be.

In seeking solace through the message boards, I read someone's comment that they don't think of the fetus as a baby at conception but as a cell attached to her uterus. It's easier to be ok with the process of a 'bad match' when a miscarriage happens. I've thought about her comment coupled with a lesson that was given to the Primary kids in sharing time about our bodies and the spirit that inhabits them. Sis. A did the hand in a glove object lesson and said that if there is no spirit our bodies aren't alive. After her lesson, I wondered When does life really begin? Is it when the heart starts to beat? The heart starts to beat around 6 weeks post conception and the embryo turns into a fetus as the major brain/body development begins. If my baby stopped growing at six weeks, there's a chance the heart never beat, the body was never really viable or inhabitable for a spirit. As I reconciled these thoughts, I became ok with the miscarriage. There was a healing that came that took the pain away and the emotion behind it.

At this point, it is hard to believe that I was ever pregnant. My womb has not ached for a missing child. On the rare times I have felt a flicker of feeling about the miscarriage, it is never about the baby. It's about missing out on sharing the experience with friends. There are at least 8 people that I know of who are all due this summer (all with girls too). When I realized how many people were pregnant with similar due dates, I thought: due to the overwhelming demand, my baby has been put on backorder. So many of the ones who are having babies are ones who've waited a long time for this blessing and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! If I had to choose between me getting a baby and them, I'd give my baby up again in a heartbeat.

Today one of those people was wearing a maternity shirt that just accentuated her condition, and for the first time I felt an inkling of 'jealousy' - though it isn't really. My emotions are on the surface today because Jared brought it up last night. He was feeling sad about the lost baby and Aaron going away on a trip with Matthew. I often wonder how long Jared will be effected by this loss. Will he always remember this baby that wasn't? or will time heal his wound too? As he was feeling sad, I told him that some times sad things happen. But, Heavenly Father always makes it right/ok in the end. I hope he is able to experience the truth in that.