It is over.

Once I laid down at 2 am I had contractions pretty regularly for the rest of the night. At one point I thought about waking Matthew up to rub my back but I just let him sleep. I got up off and on to go potty, but around 5:30 I had a really strong contraction and Matthew asked in his semi-conscious asleep state if I needed to walk around to get my water to break. I told him no, but then I felt a small gush and made a dash to the bathroom and didn't leave again until almost 8.

About 6:15 I hit transition. I HATE transition. My ears were buzzing, I broke out into a sweat, I was afraid I'd puke or pass out. My arms were limp. oh man it is rough. Finally it passed and I expected to feel the pushing contractions or a gush or something but they didn't come. I tried pushing anyway to get some movement and got none. I even tried pushing on my uterus. I think around 7 I stood up to see if changing position would help, and when I sat back down I finally felt the descent but never felt it completely pass. I decided to wipe and see what would happen and that is how I discovered the flesh was there at the opening and was stuck. I tugged a bit and got a large flat piece of tissue. There was still more stuck there and no matter how hard I tried to push it on out, it wouldn't come. Eventually I took some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand and pulled the remaining tissue from my body. It was long and stringy, but definitely more flesh/tissue product. Most of the contractions had subsided by this point so once I was convinced it was pretty much over, I cleaned up and left the bathroom. I was hungry from the effort and cold from the sweat of transition so I grabbed a stick of string cheese and hurried to get under the blankets with Matthew. We talked a little bit and then I went back to sleep.

I didn't get to rest long before the boys were up and playing in my bed. I finally sent them away so I could sleep, but Matthew was in and out by then too preparing for a trek down to Ft Dix. I really wanted to go, but I also wanted to stay home. About 9:30 I felt another gush of liquid so I ran to the bathroom again though I grabbed clothes so I could shower after. Finally a large clot came and I was able to feel empty. I feel much better now that I have showered.

I was telling Matthew that this experience is so different than the last one. There were a lot of blood clots the first time, but this time not so much. It seemed a lot drier, so I was relieved to have at least one large clot come. I know I experienced labor the first time, but I don't recall having the sharp pains in the contractions across my abdomen and back like this time. It also didn't take as long between transition and delivery. However, start to finish was a lot of quicker this time. The first sign of blood was Wed and I delivered in the early hours of Saturday vs first blood on Monday and not delivering until the early hours of Friday. Well, it is close. Matthew's response to this conversation was that every pregnancy is different :p

I have felt pretty much at peace with the situation and have not been sad or cried about it since Wed. However, as I laid in bed this morning thinking about showering, my mind wandered to my previous births and wondered how soon after I showered. And what did I do with my boys/babies? Did someone hold them while I showered? Did I leave them in the nursery cart? I don't remember. And then I thought of those tiny babies and it made me sad to not have one to cuddle and take care of. Only then did tears come, but there were no sobs.

Someone on facebook had posted the BYI Alumni profile of a family in our ward. Since I am on bedrest, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I learned that this family lost two of their children in a row. Such heartache. It was hard to watch considering my circumstances, but when it comes to families it is all kinds of hard.