Last night I started to feel kind of crampy like I do when my period is due. I think I lost my mucus plug earlier in the day. I had a glob of green come out that I assume was it. I went to the bathroom around 11:30 pm and had a little bit of spotting and some more cramping. The other day I looked at the calendar to figure how much time passed last time between my first show of blood to the actual delivery. If I remember right, it was a Mon when I started spotting but Christmas Eve was on Friday. So it took about 5 days from start to finish. My lower back is sore today and I feel more wet and crampy this morning. I know my body is starting to do its work but we'll see how long the process will take this time.

Yesterday afternoon I was helping Jared with his homework in his room, and though I don't remember how the conversation came up, somehow we started talking about how sad I was the day before and told them that I will probably be sad for awhile. Finally Jared asked why I was sad, but then said, 'I know. Someone died.' I affirmed that guess. And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but a baby dying was mentioned and they thought I was referring to another child, but finally it started to sink in that it was OUR baby who died. It came as a complete shock for them because they had no idea. I told them that we weren't going to say anything so they wouldn't be sad, but went ahead and told them because he asked. I spoke mostly to Jared because he was fueling the conversation with questions, but Aaron was also present and expressed his grief that he wanted a baby too. Jared wanted to know why I didn't look pregnant. I told him that a baby takes about 40 weeks to grow, ours was 8 weeks when it died - the week we got back from TX. So it was really small. He wanted to know why it quit growing. I told him I have no idea, but he could ask Heavenly Father because He would know. He wondered if and suggested the doctors could find out. I told him they could, but they won't. He wanted to know if it was a girl or boy. I told him that it was too small/young to know. He said he wanted a girl baby. I told him, maybe it was going to be a boy so Heavenly Father stopped it from growing :)

I pressed upon them that I didn't want people to know about the situation so they are not to tell others. We can talk about it between ourselves but do not discuss it with others. Jared asked what if he started crying in the middle of school. Basically he wanted to know if he could discuss it with the guidance counselor who has been working so closely with him. I gave him permission because that is one more variable for him to be dealing with. I told them it was ok to cry, pray, draw pictures, write in their journal, whatever they needed to do to grieve. They both decided to draw a picture. I think it helped them because they were kind of laughing by the end with some of the things they added to it. I thought about showing them a picture from babycenter about what the baby - fetus really - looked like, but I decided to let it go.

Matthew has expressed that he keeps thinking somehow it is his fault though he knows it isn't. He has been sweet and kind and asked what he can do to help. Finally this morning I told him there really isn't anything he can do except give me a blessing. He agreed that was probably the only realistic response. He had to go to work so obviously it wasn't the right time for it, but he has the time to prepare himself mentally now and will do it when he is ready, I am sure.

This morning he discovered the happy news that he has been transferred to the Paralegal part of the unit. It happened the day after drill. This unit doesn't dawdle!! He is so excited :D It means that his opportunity is in the works. And amidst this great thing happening, I can't feel justified in being bitter about this pregnancy not working out. Obviously the Lord is orchestrating a great thing in our lives and there is a reason behind the heartache. I was continuing my reading in Ether as the Jaredites board the boats and cross the great waters. I found a great parallel there as they get swallowed up in the sea and the waves dash upon them, but they are safe inside their vessels and have the Light from Christ to guide them on the inside. They have moments of being swallowed up, but they are also brought to the surface for refreshment and respite all the while praying and singing praises for the Lord's tender mercies.