Last night I started to feel kind of crampy like I do when my period is due. I think I lost my mucus plug earlier in the day. I had a glob of green come out that I assume was it. I went to the bathroom around 11:30 pm and had a little bit of spotting and some more cramping. The other day I looked at the calendar to figure how much time passed last time between my first show of blood to the actual delivery. If I remember right, it was a Mon when I started spotting but Christmas Eve was on Friday. So it took about 5 days from start to finish. My lower back is sore today and I feel more wet and crampy this morning. I know my body is starting to do its work but we'll see how long the process will take this time.

Yesterday afternoon I was helping Jared with his homework in his room, and though I don't remember how the conversation came up, somehow we started talking about how sad I was the day before and told them that I will probably be sad for awhile. Finally Jared asked why I was sad, but then said, 'I know. Someone died.' I affirmed that guess. And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but a baby dying was mentioned and they thought I was referring to another child, but finally it started to sink in that it was OUR baby who died. It came as a complete shock for them because they had no idea. I told them that we weren't going to say anything so they wouldn't be sad, but went ahead and told them because he asked. I spoke mostly to Jared because he was fueling the conversation with questions, but Aaron was also present and expressed his grief that he wanted a baby too. Jared wanted to know why I didn't look pregnant. I told him that a baby takes about 40 weeks to grow, ours was 8 weeks when it died - the week we got back from TX. So it was really small. He wanted to know why it quit growing. I told him I have no idea, but he could ask Heavenly Father because He would know. He wondered if and suggested the doctors could find out. I told him they could, but they won't. He wanted to know if it was a girl or boy. I told him that it was too small/young to know. He said he wanted a girl baby. I told him, maybe it was going to be a boy so Heavenly Father stopped it from growing :)

I pressed upon them that I didn't want people to know about the situation so they are not to tell others. We can talk about it between ourselves but do not discuss it with others. Jared asked what if he started crying in the middle of school. Basically he wanted to know if he could discuss it with the guidance counselor who has been working so closely with him. I gave him permission because that is one more variable for him to be dealing with. I told them it was ok to cry, pray, draw pictures, write in their journal, whatever they needed to do to grieve. They both decided to draw a picture. I think it helped them because they were kind of laughing by the end with some of the things they added to it. I thought about showing them a picture from babycenter about what the baby - fetus really - looked like, but I decided to let it go.

Matthew has expressed that he keeps thinking somehow it is his fault though he knows it isn't. He has been sweet and kind and asked what he can do to help. Finally this morning I told him there really isn't anything he can do except give me a blessing. He agreed that was probably the only realistic response. He had to go to work so obviously it wasn't the right time for it, but he has the time to prepare himself mentally now and will do it when he is ready, I am sure.

This morning he discovered the happy news that he has been transferred to the Paralegal part of the unit. It happened the day after drill. This unit doesn't dawdle!! He is so excited :D It means that his opportunity is in the works. And amidst this great thing happening, I can't feel justified in being bitter about this pregnancy not working out. Obviously the Lord is orchestrating a great thing in our lives and there is a reason behind the heartache. I was continuing my reading in Ether as the Jaredites board the boats and cross the great waters. I found a great parallel there as they get swallowed up in the sea and the waves dash upon them, but they are safe inside their vessels and have the Light from Christ to guide them on the inside. They have moments of being swallowed up, but they are also brought to the surface for refreshment and respite all the while praying and singing praises for the Lord's tender mercies.

This is around 8 wks 3 days - Feb 24th. Interestingly this was the week my symptoms quit - bbs quit feeling so big and sore, I dropped a pound, and I quit feeling bloated and sick. It could be coincidence or not.

On one hand I feel a sense of peace, and on the other I don't. The fact I still have to deliver this fetus is not a happy thought for me. I will be sure to make a 'birth story' accessible for future reference though. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone at home. I'd rather have to go through this without having to acknowledge it to anyone else. I don't really want sympathy right now, but last time the bringing of a meal by Sharon the day I got the news was a real blessing. We had pizza tonight. Amazingly I really didn't feel like eating though I had no problem doing it. 

We read scriptures tonight and Aaron opened to the book of Revelations chapter 20. We read through the end of the book, but this verse felt especially poignant:

‎"And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away" ~ Revelations 20:4

8 weeks 3 days. There was the yolk sac and fetus. I should be 11 weeks this week. I will wait another week or two for my body to catch up and then if it doesn't schedule a D&C

Still no heartbeat. Heading to get an ultrasound in about 30 minutes. I believe it will be a miracle to find life inside me. I have prayed for peace, understanding and comfort.

I thought this week would pass so slowly, but it hasn't. I have felt great, been productive, and look forward to Tues!

Tuesday I felt especially good and wanted to be productive so I prayed for help in following through. My prayer was answered. Aaron ended up falling asleep after he got home from school so it allowed me to do some things around the house that I normally don't feel like can get done while he is home. I managed to clean the bathroom in the 15 minutes I had between getting home from scripture class and him getting off the bus; then once he fell asleep I did two loads of laundry, dishes, and swept and mopped the floor. I think I wore myself out though because Wed I felt so dead and did not want to do anything. Overall though, it really has been a great week.

Matthew just got home from his second day of drill at his new unit. It seems the Lord knew exactly what He was doing by transferring him there. He had an 'interview' with someone today that resulted in three things 1) he is to apply for promotion, 2) they are pushing paperwork through for him to go to 27D school (paralegal school - his dream), and 3) put in AGR packet again. When Matthew said it would stink for them to put him through school and then move out with AGR they said, 'Oh well. Look out for yourself.' SO many people have expressed those sentiments to me but it was good for him to hear it from someone with authority. He realizes he has no room for failure on his PT test, so there's more motivation for that element as well.

I am excited and look forward to what the next few months will bring and where this adventure will take us.

Yesterday I decided to check the mail because it hadn't been done in a few days and found the new Ensign had come. I was so down yesterday I really just wanted to escape and didn't spend much time in the scriptures, but at lunch I was at the table by myself and decided to open the Ensign and read the First Presidency msg. As soon as the I read the title, the feeling of the Spirit wrapped itself around me and I knew it was for me. The title, "Peace, Be Still". Here is the final quote from the article:

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so. His words in holy writ are sufficient: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I testify to this truth."

It was enough. I knew that the Lord has a plan and not to worry. It will be ok. From that moment, I did feel peace and light-hearted again. I felt like smiling and being happy again. I am thankful for that.