It is almost 1 am and tomorrow promises to be a long day, but I have spent the last couple of hours reading the blog of a sister I visit teach who adopted a boy from Russia after 8 years of infertility. I loved reading her journey and feel a connection with her in some of our shared experiences. I ventured to check out some of the blogs on her blog roll and came across a woman who suffered 8 miscarriages - all with IVF. I cannot fathom the pain and heartache to endure that many failed hopes.

We have spent the weekend in Hershey, PA while Matthew is on orders for the week. The hotel has a pool that the boys have enjoyed swimming. Today an earache came on for me so I wasn't able to be in the water with them, but instead watched them play with Matthew and reflect on the times that I neglected them in the water and almost lost them though I was clueless. Almost every time that swimming is mentioned, the boys will bring up instances where they have almost drowned. I am so grateful for guardian angels who made sure that their lives were secure. I am a selfish mother in many regards. I love my boys but I could do better - be better.

I think I have forgotten what it is to yearn for children and to enjoy the privilege of having them in my home.

Hard to believe it has been a week already. For the most part I am doing well, but I am having cramping off and on. Sometimes it is really uncomfortable. Today especially.It has felt almost like I was in labor again. I talked to the midwife yesterday and she said there is probably some tissue my body is still trying to get rid of. I believe that, but I think my body is struggling to do it. I don't think I've had enough blood flow to purge my insides. That seems like an odd thing to say, but I think it is true. I have an appt with them on the 4th. She did ask if there was a bad smell, which there isn't at this point. I suppose if it gets to that then we'll know I am in trouble for sure.

I told Matthew that I could really use a blessing in the next few days and agreed. He had forgotten I'd asked.

While Matthew had the boys yesterday morning and most of the afternoon I enjoyed the quiet and did some laundry and began the task of 'the great clothing migration' for Aaron. I was just finishing up when they got home. I don't know if it was timing or the energy they came in with, but I felt zapped after that. I ended up on the couch and fell asleep. Jared asked me why I'd slept so much the last few days. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something like I've been tired and not feeling well.

I ended up having more cramping the rest of the day. It wasn't as painful as before delivery, but they were still pretty uncomfortable. I am sure it was just the afterbirth cramping for the uterus to shrink again but it was miserable. I ended up laying in bed most of the evening. Matthew ordered Papa Johns for us and we all ate on the bed together. Jared and Matthew played on the Wii and Aaron played on my computer til midnight while I crashed out. I was so worn out.

I did not want to get up this morning but with Stake Conference we couldn't sleep in very late either. I have felt pretty well today with just a little cramping off and on but I still feel pretty tired. I am more weepy today though. I was thinking this morning that unlike when you have a newborn, I'm not getting any of the oxytocin to counter the effects of labor and delivery. What a wild ride pregnancy is.

It is over.

Once I laid down at 2 am I had contractions pretty regularly for the rest of the night. At one point I thought about waking Matthew up to rub my back but I just let him sleep. I got up off and on to go potty, but around 5:30 I had a really strong contraction and Matthew asked in his semi-conscious asleep state if I needed to walk around to get my water to break. I told him no, but then I felt a small gush and made a dash to the bathroom and didn't leave again until almost 8.

About 6:15 I hit transition. I HATE transition. My ears were buzzing, I broke out into a sweat, I was afraid I'd puke or pass out. My arms were limp. oh man it is rough. Finally it passed and I expected to feel the pushing contractions or a gush or something but they didn't come. I tried pushing anyway to get some movement and got none. I even tried pushing on my uterus. I think around 7 I stood up to see if changing position would help, and when I sat back down I finally felt the descent but never felt it completely pass. I decided to wipe and see what would happen and that is how I discovered the flesh was there at the opening and was stuck. I tugged a bit and got a large flat piece of tissue. There was still more stuck there and no matter how hard I tried to push it on out, it wouldn't come. Eventually I took some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand and pulled the remaining tissue from my body. It was long and stringy, but definitely more flesh/tissue product. Most of the contractions had subsided by this point so once I was convinced it was pretty much over, I cleaned up and left the bathroom. I was hungry from the effort and cold from the sweat of transition so I grabbed a stick of string cheese and hurried to get under the blankets with Matthew. We talked a little bit and then I went back to sleep.

I didn't get to rest long before the boys were up and playing in my bed. I finally sent them away so I could sleep, but Matthew was in and out by then too preparing for a trek down to Ft Dix. I really wanted to go, but I also wanted to stay home. About 9:30 I felt another gush of liquid so I ran to the bathroom again though I grabbed clothes so I could shower after. Finally a large clot came and I was able to feel empty. I feel much better now that I have showered.

I was telling Matthew that this experience is so different than the last one. There were a lot of blood clots the first time, but this time not so much. It seemed a lot drier, so I was relieved to have at least one large clot come. I know I experienced labor the first time, but I don't recall having the sharp pains in the contractions across my abdomen and back like this time. It also didn't take as long between transition and delivery. However, start to finish was a lot of quicker this time. The first sign of blood was Wed and I delivered in the early hours of Saturday vs first blood on Monday and not delivering until the early hours of Friday. Well, it is close. Matthew's response to this conversation was that every pregnancy is different :p

I have felt pretty much at peace with the situation and have not been sad or cried about it since Wed. However, as I laid in bed this morning thinking about showering, my mind wandered to my previous births and wondered how soon after I showered. And what did I do with my boys/babies? Did someone hold them while I showered? Did I leave them in the nursery cart? I don't remember. And then I thought of those tiny babies and it made me sad to not have one to cuddle and take care of. Only then did tears come, but there were no sobs.

Someone on facebook had posted the BYI Alumni profile of a family in our ward. Since I am on bedrest, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I learned that this family lost two of their children in a row. Such heartache. It was hard to watch considering my circumstances, but when it comes to families it is all kinds of hard.

2 am

My lower back is constantly uncomfortable though massaging it helps. I am having shooting pains across my abdomen like a nerve is being hit. My contractions seem to be getting more intense but I am still not seeing much by way of clotting so I know I am a long way off yet. I have realized that the flow is about the usual for a period though the cramping is more intense than I would normally feel for my period.

I haven't exercised since Monday but I thought about it today. I haven't because I've been so uncomfortable but I've also thought that if I were at the end of a 9 month pregnancy I would be walking to get labor started. Probably walking would kick start things now too - though that idea isn't exactly appealing to me either.

In other news, Matthew told me he submitted his AGR packet last night. So now we wait and see what fate will hand us.

11:50 am and I am having stronger cramping and more blood flow.

I have a constant kind of sharp pain in my stomach today. And I'm tired. I told Matthew this morning it feels like someone punched me in the stomach :p I am not really crampy though, but my lower back still kind of aches. Still not a lot of bleeding despite having some contractions last night that I thought for sure would bring a swell of blood.