Did I mention that time is flying?!?!

I did day 1 of the 10 min bootcamp video from sparkpeople today. I didn't get to use the excuse of showering before the boys left for school so I took advantage of it. I have a lot of work to do to get myself back into shape.

I had an appt today to help a sister I visit teach take down her Christmas decorations. We did it in about an hour and then her daughter showed up. We had a really nice visit. She kept asking about having more kids though and so I eventually told them I am already expecting. They are the first to know in this area. It is weird to talk about it outside of family.

I started looking up names today. I remembered a prayer discussion I had when I was pregnant last time about needing to exercise prudence so the child is not spoiled. I liked the idea of Prudence as a name. I tried to find a name that means prudence, but didn't come up with anything. Instead I followed a few other leads for other means and found one that just brought me to tears every time I read it: Laelynn which means 'flower of hope'. Truly this baby is a flower of hope - especially if it is a girl. I don't think Matthew would go for it though. I don't think it is traditional enough for him. I also liked Emma and couldn't remember why I wanted to stay away from it before. I think it was because there was an Emma born "recently" in San Antonio. Rebekah was always a name I'd planned on using, but it just doesn't fit anymore. When I told the boys I was thinking about names today, Aaron told me was thinking of the name Shark. HA!

Today I am 16 weeks. This last week flew by and I am realizing that time will just continue to fly - especially as I look ahead at the calendar and all the things that will keep us busy until it will be June before we know it.

I've been working on getting the house back into shape now that I have some energy. My hope is that we will all develop these new habits so that when the baby comes the house will be a refuge and the family (boys especially) will be in habits that can be maintained while I am in recovery. I explained this to them on Saturday as we worked on getting the living room cleaned and they agreed it was important.

I talked to Julie on Friday. She is the only person besides Matthew (well, and the midwives) that I have actually said I am pregnant or having a baby. I keep thinking about spilling the beans on facebook but it still feels taboo. I feel like once my big u/s next month happens, it will be more real and THEN I'll make a 'big' deal about it. I haven't mentioned it to my counselors either though I wonder how much longer I'll be able to 'hide' it. I noticed my secretary do a glance at my tummy today but it could have been nothing too. It's odd that I don't mind my TX people knowing but I don't feel ready for the locals to know.

I think all the productivity of the rest of the week wore me out. I felt so tired and headachey all day. Probably the crying from the news of a friend's death didn't help either. Both tonight and last night when I went to bed I was hurting near my pubic bone which makes me think that maybe I can't handle plyo jumping though I really need to do something b/c I feel flabbily uncomfortable - especially in my legs. By the end of the night the waist band on my pants was really bothersome too.

I am thinking of breaking my silence on FB b/c I could use some feedback about these stupid car seats. Round and round I go.... ugh

I've been excited to try out  my new maternity jeans, so I started on Monday. They haven't worked out quite as well as I'd hoped but they are comfy when I first put them on. Monday I chose the mid band one and they were sliding down all day long. I figured I would have to make a different undergarment choice and maybe that would help. Today I am wearing them again and it is more of the same. Oh well. I don't feel constricted in them at least. Tues I wore the ones that has the fabric that comes up to my chest (which will eventually cover a large belly). They slid down as well, but not as bad as the band ones do. Yesterday I wore my sweat pants and it was kind of nice to have clothes that would stay up, but it won't be long before they feel kind of snug.

Tuesday I had my appt. I am measuring right on target for 15 weeks and we heard the baby's heartbeat nice and clear :) My next appt is Feb 4th and I have the slip for my ultrasound. I am having a hard time waiting!! Yesterday I was at WalMart so I browsed through the fabric real quick and found one that I liked. It is a blue background with stacked bowls and cherries scattered around. It has some nice varieties of color. I didn't have a lot of time to find coordinating fabrics, but I did find one that had small squares of color that seemed to match it. I talked to Mom last night about it and she is working on other quilts right now and wondered if she should figure out a pattern or if I had one in mind. I think she does a great job finding patterns and I do well at figuring out the coordination of the fabrics.

Target has been having a mega clearance sale as they update inventory. I found an Eddie Bauer travel set for $65 but I have continued to research and discovered it really isn't great :/ It is sitting in the back of the van waiting to determine if it goes back or not. The more I look and research, the more my price point changes. Although I have lots of time to find one, I don't have a lot of time to decide if I want these bargain priced ones. This is the first time I've actually shopped for a new car seat b/c I've always had used ones. Seems ironic that I'd get a new one for #3. In the process I've realized that there's a good chance that the seat Aaron is in is expired or will soon :/ blah

I've been having weird dreams and usually involve injury or death or a non-existant baby. I am going to chalk it up to still being nervous about losing the baby. I look forward to being able to feel the baby somewhat regularly so there is not doubt about it growing.

Wanted to document an event that occurred on Tues. I sent this to Tran in a FB msg:

Today when I asked them if they wanted to go to my ultrasound was the first time they really got excited about the idea of a baby. At first Aaron didn't want to go because he was afraid the baby had died again. Our last miscarriage is pretty imprinted on his little heart and mind. When I assured him that this one was alive, his excitement was so cute!! He started talking to the baby even though I told him that it was too soon for the baby to be able to hear him. I won't for sure get my first ultrasound until Feb when they do the anatomy scan, but there is a possibility I could get one after my next appt on the 7th. We'll see.

After this little incident in the kitchen with the boys, we headed to the computer and watched Babycenter's videos of the growth of babies from week 1 all the way to full term. We also watched one about the development of boys and girls and ultrasounds. When we watched the one from the first weeks of pregnancy, I told the boys that that was about what ours looked like when it died. Jared wanted to know if it looked like that when it was 'born.' I told him the first one I could kind of see it but the second one I couldn't - it was mostly just blood. He found that odd but accepted it.

Today the boys went back to school so I headed to the store. I've been itching to get out of the house and shop by myself. I was obsessing over going to Good Will and gave in. Boy am I glad!! Almost all their maternity pants were my size!! I ended up with 3 pairs of jeans and 2 capris. I figured that even though it'll be awhile before I need the shorts, it'll be nice to have them when I want them b/c I won't have anything that fits then. I found a cute sweater top that is long and will make a good maternity top too. I can wear it now and probably through the rest of winter because the last button is at my waist though it goes down further like a maternity top. I also found a dress that was so cute I decided to buy it even though it falls a little short when I sit down. It comes to my knees while I'm standing, but won't work when I sit. I'm trying to think of a way to modify it so I can wear it modestly - probably with a long slip or leggings.

We are in the midst of a snow storm so there will be no school for the boys tomorrow. Today I was really productive and I'm afraid tomorrow will be another lazy day, but there's so much I want/need to get done that maybe I can pull myself together. It helped that we all had to get up and get going this morning. I left the boys' alarm on so maybe there's a chance we'll get it going.

For Christmas I gave Aaron a book called I'm a Big Brother. We thought he would understand what that meant, but it went completely over both boys' heads. Aaron finally read the book yesterday and I prompted him with questions until Jared finally understood that I was pregnant. After several discussions, I realized that Aaron didn't understand b/c in his mind there is a dead baby in my belly from the last m/c. I told him that no, this is a new baby. His next question was, why aren't you fat? ha! I told him I'm getting there :) He had more questions for me, but the conversation got derailed and I figure it doesn't really matter for the time being anyway. The reality of it is still a long way off.

A couple of thoughts I've had though...

• Jared will be turning 18 when this baby turns 8. He could baptize him/her just before leaving on a mission. 
• If we have another one in 3 years, Aaron will be in the same position (turning 18 and preparing for a mission), and Jared will be just coming home.
• I had kind of wanted the baby to be born earlier in June than later, but then I realized that the later s/he is born, the longer I'll be able to enjoy the pool!
• I tried on my maternity clothes and was extremely disappointed. I had size 10 ones there for me b/c I had a goal that I had reached. I didn't maintain it though so now I don't have clothes that fit. Most of the clothes are either too big or too small. I sabotaged myself :/ I finally feel motivated to exercise and care about what I'm eating again.

I copied this from a msg I sent a friend back in March after I m/c. I wanted to remember it:

March 21, 2013

I had a miscarriage this weekend. I was 11 weeks but the fetus died the week I got back from TX at 8 weeks 3 days (when I noted in my blog that the bloat disappeared). We couldn't hear the heartbeat when I went to my first appointment so they thought it was too early and scheduled another appt two weeks later to try again. After an ultrasound we learned that it had died just a few days before that first appointment. 

People will say that a miscarriage is just cramping and bleeding, but it is legitimate labor and delivery with all the stages of a full term pregnancy. I don't remember my last miscarriage being as painful as this one, just shocked that it was all the stages of labor. I am still having cramping off and on but they are more like regular menstrual cramping which is annoying but not a big deal.

Emotionally I am at peace though I wonder how everything will play out. I thought this baby would go full term because Aaron randomly drew a picture of a baby in my arms at the beginning of January and insisted I was going to have a baby and then I ended up pregnant. The first time I miscarried the baby was due in July like both the boys, but I felt that our baby was meant to be a spring baby. This one would have been due the beginning of Oct so it wouldn't have been a spring baby either. Of course, 'spring' could be a symbolism of a point in our life too which I feel is approaching. Last mother's day I was singing in sacrament mtg with a friend about being a mother to a son and a daughter and felt the whisper that "She is coming". I want a daughter and felt a girl presence when I was pregnant with Aaron. I have hopes that we will yet have one more, but I am also concerned that I seem to only be able to get pregnant every 3 years. This cycle started 3 years to the day after my last miscarriage. I found this realization the most bitter. If I really can only get pg every 3 years, I will be 39 at my next opportunity. Not my ideal world, and even then there's no guarantee I won't m/c again. I hope for a miracle but leave it in the Lord's hands.