For Christmas I gave Aaron a book called I'm a Big Brother. We thought he would understand what that meant, but it went completely over both boys' heads. Aaron finally read the book yesterday and I prompted him with questions until Jared finally understood that I was pregnant. After several discussions, I realized that Aaron didn't understand b/c in his mind there is a dead baby in my belly from the last m/c. I told him that no, this is a new baby. His next question was, why aren't you fat? ha! I told him I'm getting there :) He had more questions for me, but the conversation got derailed and I figure it doesn't really matter for the time being anyway. The reality of it is still a long way off.

A couple of thoughts I've had though...

• Jared will be turning 18 when this baby turns 8. He could baptize him/her just before leaving on a mission. 
• If we have another one in 3 years, Aaron will be in the same position (turning 18 and preparing for a mission), and Jared will be just coming home.
• I had kind of wanted the baby to be born earlier in June than later, but then I realized that the later s/he is born, the longer I'll be able to enjoy the pool!
• I tried on my maternity clothes and was extremely disappointed. I had size 10 ones there for me b/c I had a goal that I had reached. I didn't maintain it though so now I don't have clothes that fit. Most of the clothes are either too big or too small. I sabotaged myself :/ I finally feel motivated to exercise and care about what I'm eating again.

I copied this from a msg I sent a friend back in March after I m/c. I wanted to remember it:

March 21, 2013

I had a miscarriage this weekend. I was 11 weeks but the fetus died the week I got back from TX at 8 weeks 3 days (when I noted in my blog that the bloat disappeared). We couldn't hear the heartbeat when I went to my first appointment so they thought it was too early and scheduled another appt two weeks later to try again. After an ultrasound we learned that it had died just a few days before that first appointment. 

People will say that a miscarriage is just cramping and bleeding, but it is legitimate labor and delivery with all the stages of a full term pregnancy. I don't remember my last miscarriage being as painful as this one, just shocked that it was all the stages of labor. I am still having cramping off and on but they are more like regular menstrual cramping which is annoying but not a big deal.

Emotionally I am at peace though I wonder how everything will play out. I thought this baby would go full term because Aaron randomly drew a picture of a baby in my arms at the beginning of January and insisted I was going to have a baby and then I ended up pregnant. The first time I miscarried the baby was due in July like both the boys, but I felt that our baby was meant to be a spring baby. This one would have been due the beginning of Oct so it wouldn't have been a spring baby either. Of course, 'spring' could be a symbolism of a point in our life too which I feel is approaching. Last mother's day I was singing in sacrament mtg with a friend about being a mother to a son and a daughter and felt the whisper that "She is coming". I want a daughter and felt a girl presence when I was pregnant with Aaron. I have hopes that we will yet have one more, but I am also concerned that I seem to only be able to get pregnant every 3 years. This cycle started 3 years to the day after my last miscarriage. I found this realization the most bitter. If I really can only get pg every 3 years, I will be 39 at my next opportunity. Not my ideal world, and even then there's no guarantee I won't m/c again. I hope for a miracle but leave it in the Lord's hands.

For the most part things have been better. Even after my appt and I heard the h/b, I still carried some worry. Matthew came back home one morning to check on me because he'd been worried about me. We discussed how different I am emotionally with this one and the burden of worry and fear that comes with having previous miscarriages. At the end of our discussion, he said that we made it through this first appt and heard the heartbeat. His fears were laid to rest. I don't know why, but hearing that from him allowed me to also set aside those fears and have hope. I still have emotional days and some where I don't feel like doing anything, but for the most part I have felt happier and in more control of myself.  I believe this ending will be a happy one. In fact, once we left that conversation, I began thinking of how to tell my family. I ended up making Mom and Dad a photo calendar for their Christmas gift. Everyone's anniversary and birthday are marked with a picture. For the baby's due date I put a sheep with a cutout head from a farm we visited as its picture :) Mom and Dad spread the news to all the family so I haven't even had to say a word except thanks for the congrats and answers to how I am feeling :D We tried to tell the boys with Christmas presents, but the subtlety went over their heads. I am ok with that though.

Words have power, and I know it is superstitious of me to feel this way, but I feel like saying it too soon is like blowing a candle out. With the exception of my third pregnancy, the knowledge of pregnancy felt almost sacred and wasn't to be verbalized. Even with the last pgcy, I felt like I shouldn't talk about it but Julie asked me point blank so I answered her, and I immediately felt/heard a 'whoosh' and the baby died days later. Like I said, I know it is superstitious, but it is what it is.

I have been thinking of ways to share the news on facebook with my friends, but I have also been trying to decide how long I will wait. I have my next appt in two weeks but it will be Feb before my first u/s. Because I haven't been doing a very good job eating right and exercising, my legs and butt are growing along with my belly. It won't be long before I am 'forced' into maternity clothes (which I finally pulled from storage this week). I don't know who long I'll be able to hide my girth.

It is an odd and exciting feeling to actually acknowledge this life inside me and plan for its arrival. Sometimes I think I may feel its movement, and I look forward to knowing and not doubting.

Yesterday was busy and I didn't take the opportunity to update. I had high hopes when she checked my uterus and gave me a look that I took to mean it's measuring the right size. Then it was time for the doppler. She reminded me that sometimes it takes awhile on the first appt. And it did. She rolled it over the left side with nothing, found my heartbeat from a vein in the middle, rolled to the right, rolled lower and caught a little heartbeat briefly. I sobbed. She had to move the doppler b/c I causing so much noise from the movement. I must have startled the little one b/c the next time she had to find 'him' again. (She kept referring to the baby as a him, and it feels right to say that but maybe b/c that has just been my experience.) "He" moved a couple of times, but we listened a good long while at the end. Sweet relief. My next appt is Jan 7. Yesterday I was 10 w 3 days.

I found I had a mental shift by the end of the day. I think I've been in a holding state mentally and emotionally. I refused to think about life inside of me until the moment when life was verified. For the first time I even thought of this pregnancy as being more than just being pregnant/a fetus - but a baby. I think the 'baby' moving around was part of the mental shift b/c for the first time I found myself wanting to stroke my belly and talk to the baby. 

I reread the lyrics to Be Still, My Soul (still makes me cry) and feel like it is the perfect song for this experience.

"All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I am so nervous and scared about my appt today. I am scared to face it alone. I have been praying for the strength to face whatever the outcome may be. I have been on the verge of tears since Matthew walked out the door a little bit ago, and finally went over the edge. Be Still, My Soul (hymn 124) started running through my mind and I decided to copy and paste the lyrics to my other blog post. I believe it is from the Lord and an answer to my fears. Every time I read them I cry. Real tears. Tears of relief? sadness? anxiety? unreleased energy? tentative joy....

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897