For the most part things have been better. Even after my appt and I heard the h/b, I still carried some worry. Matthew came back home one morning to check on me because he'd been worried about me. We discussed how different I am emotionally with this one and the burden of worry and fear that comes with having previous miscarriages. At the end of our discussion, he said that we made it through this first appt and heard the heartbeat. His fears were laid to rest. I don't know why, but hearing that from him allowed me to also set aside those fears and have hope. I still have emotional days and some where I don't feel like doing anything, but for the most part I have felt happier and in more control of myself.  I believe this ending will be a happy one. In fact, once we left that conversation, I began thinking of how to tell my family. I ended up making Mom and Dad a photo calendar for their Christmas gift. Everyone's anniversary and birthday are marked with a picture. For the baby's due date I put a sheep with a cutout head from a farm we visited as its picture :) Mom and Dad spread the news to all the family so I haven't even had to say a word except thanks for the congrats and answers to how I am feeling :D We tried to tell the boys with Christmas presents, but the subtlety went over their heads. I am ok with that though.

Words have power, and I know it is superstitious of me to feel this way, but I feel like saying it too soon is like blowing a candle out. With the exception of my third pregnancy, the knowledge of pregnancy felt almost sacred and wasn't to be verbalized. Even with the last pgcy, I felt like I shouldn't talk about it but Julie asked me point blank so I answered her, and I immediately felt/heard a 'whoosh' and the baby died days later. Like I said, I know it is superstitious, but it is what it is.

I have been thinking of ways to share the news on facebook with my friends, but I have also been trying to decide how long I will wait. I have my next appt in two weeks but it will be Feb before my first u/s. Because I haven't been doing a very good job eating right and exercising, my legs and butt are growing along with my belly. It won't be long before I am 'forced' into maternity clothes (which I finally pulled from storage this week). I don't know who long I'll be able to hide my girth.

It is an odd and exciting feeling to actually acknowledge this life inside me and plan for its arrival. Sometimes I think I may feel its movement, and I look forward to knowing and not doubting.