For the most part things have been better. Even after my appt and I heard the h/b, I still carried some worry. Matthew came back home one morning to check on me because he'd been worried about me. We discussed how different I am emotionally with this one and the burden of worry and fear that comes with having previous miscarriages. At the end of our discussion, he said that we made it through this first appt and heard the heartbeat. His fears were laid to rest. I don't know why, but hearing that from him allowed me to also set aside those fears and have hope. I still have emotional days and some where I don't feel like doing anything, but for the most part I have felt happier and in more control of myself.  I believe this ending will be a happy one. In fact, once we left that conversation, I began thinking of how to tell my family. I ended up making Mom and Dad a photo calendar for their Christmas gift. Everyone's anniversary and birthday are marked with a picture. For the baby's due date I put a sheep with a cutout head from a farm we visited as its picture :) Mom and Dad spread the news to all the family so I haven't even had to say a word except thanks for the congrats and answers to how I am feeling :D We tried to tell the boys with Christmas presents, but the subtlety went over their heads. I am ok with that though.

Words have power, and I know it is superstitious of me to feel this way, but I feel like saying it too soon is like blowing a candle out. With the exception of my third pregnancy, the knowledge of pregnancy felt almost sacred and wasn't to be verbalized. Even with the last pgcy, I felt like I shouldn't talk about it but Julie asked me point blank so I answered her, and I immediately felt/heard a 'whoosh' and the baby died days later. Like I said, I know it is superstitious, but it is what it is.

I have been thinking of ways to share the news on facebook with my friends, but I have also been trying to decide how long I will wait. I have my next appt in two weeks but it will be Feb before my first u/s. Because I haven't been doing a very good job eating right and exercising, my legs and butt are growing along with my belly. It won't be long before I am 'forced' into maternity clothes (which I finally pulled from storage this week). I don't know who long I'll be able to hide my girth.

It is an odd and exciting feeling to actually acknowledge this life inside me and plan for its arrival. Sometimes I think I may feel its movement, and I look forward to knowing and not doubting.

Yesterday was busy and I didn't take the opportunity to update. I had high hopes when she checked my uterus and gave me a look that I took to mean it's measuring the right size. Then it was time for the doppler. She reminded me that sometimes it takes awhile on the first appt. And it did. She rolled it over the left side with nothing, found my heartbeat from a vein in the middle, rolled to the right, rolled lower and caught a little heartbeat briefly. I sobbed. She had to move the doppler b/c I causing so much noise from the movement. I must have startled the little one b/c the next time she had to find 'him' again. (She kept referring to the baby as a him, and it feels right to say that but maybe b/c that has just been my experience.) "He" moved a couple of times, but we listened a good long while at the end. Sweet relief. My next appt is Jan 7. Yesterday I was 10 w 3 days.

I found I had a mental shift by the end of the day. I think I've been in a holding state mentally and emotionally. I refused to think about life inside of me until the moment when life was verified. For the first time I even thought of this pregnancy as being more than just being pregnant/a fetus - but a baby. I think the 'baby' moving around was part of the mental shift b/c for the first time I found myself wanting to stroke my belly and talk to the baby. 

I reread the lyrics to Be Still, My Soul (still makes me cry) and feel like it is the perfect song for this experience.

"All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I am so nervous and scared about my appt today. I am scared to face it alone. I have been praying for the strength to face whatever the outcome may be. I have been on the verge of tears since Matthew walked out the door a little bit ago, and finally went over the edge. Be Still, My Soul (hymn 124) started running through my mind and I decided to copy and paste the lyrics to my other blog post. I believe it is from the Lord and an answer to my fears. Every time I read them I cry. Real tears. Tears of relief? sadness? anxiety? unreleased energy? tentative joy....

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had the baby early. There was no labor and though I had a baby, I never saw it. Last night I dreamt that I was in the bathroom and when I wiped a huge blobby clot came out - the beginning of a miscarriage. I hope it is just my apprehension and not a premonition. One week to go to find out.

It was quite the emotional week. At the end of Thurs night's breakdown Matthew decided that he would be in charge of Jared when he got home from work. Friday got off earlier, rearranged his 'office' and created a desk space for Jared to do his homework. The result after school was amazing. Jared responded so well to the set up and program that Matthew put in to place. They organized all his assignments on separate post it notes, they alternated choosing an assignment, and had frequent breaks. There ended up being 10 post its. By the time we had dinner, 5 had been accomplished and not a word was said from me. Unfortunately he chose all the relatively easy ones which meant all the writing assignments were left for the actual weekend. Matthew had drill so Jared and I decided (well, mostly I did) that we would keep up this program and accomplish his HW while Matthew was at work so that when he got home it was free time. It took all day, but he did it. There were tears and a little bit of words exchanged, but it was done and there was rejoicing.

It is becoming more and more apparent that Jared and I are treading a line that will define our relationship for the rest of his growing years and it isn't pretty. I know he loves me, but I think there is also anger and resentment boiling under the surface. I don't react well to his ADHD and find his behavior quite frustrating. As a result, I am quick to lose my patience. Many times words come out harsher than they need to be. To Aaron as well.

This week especially I have felt a lot of anger and just want to yell and scream. I think a lot of it is hormones and stress over the outcome of this pregnancy. Last night I was having a lot of cramps and felt so nauseous that I thought for sure I'd lost the baby, but today I feel fine again so who knows. I've asked Matthew for a blessing. Several times I've thought about telling the boys - at least Jared - what is going on, but just can't quite bring myself to do it. On one hand I think it would be helpful, but on the other I don't want him especially to have to carry the burden of worry either. It is two weeks til my appointment. Come what may, I can make it two weeks, right?

Sometimes I make a mess of things. Sometimes is happening a lot lately. My throat is sore from screaming. Jared is downstairs bawling. I get so frustrated and Matthew cleans up the mess. It isn't fair to him or the boys. I am approaching 8 weeks and the worry/stress of whether I'll hear a heartbeat Dec 3rd is playing its toll I think.  And the boys have hit this streak lately that just infuriates me - a total lack of regard for authority. Jared is struggling too but instead of talking with him I yell and cut him off. I worry about our relationship as he grows. We are on a rocky road that will not end well if I don't get myself together.

Tiredness has overwhelmed me. For the most part I have fought it and taken snippets of naps when I absolutely need to, but today I have mostly slept the day away. I got up at 9ish, made the boys breakfast, then laid down about 11? and then didn't get up again until 1:15. I showered and could have gone right back down and slept the rest of the day. I am beginning to wonder if my iron levels are really low. I should probably start taking some vitamins.

Tues I am picking up an arms reach co-sleeper from freecycle. I have wanted one of those but they don't come cheap. I happened to be thinking about them again the other night as I wondered how we would set up for a baby, then lo and behold one shows up on freecycle so I decided to take it. I hope that we will have the opportunity to use it.