As the 2010 Christmas Day arrives, it has been one year since I spent the night laboring for a 6 week old fetus. It is amazing to me the transitions that have happened for me over the last year - the ups and downs and healings that have come. My wounds have been bound and for the most part the scar is faded. The miscarriage is a fact that is no longer colored with emotion. I still find myself sitting on the fence about having another baby. Aaron and Jared both are working their way out of diapers, and I'm ready to pack that stage up and move on. Though another baby would still be welcome and wanted, I also feel ready to purge the house of baby things. I want to declutter and move forward. When I told Matthew I wanted to purge, he asked if that meant I didn't want another one and if I did, then we should keep it. So, it all still sits. If nothing else, we should downsize b/c we have more than enough. Simplify.
I believe that the miscarriage was one of the Lord's tender mercies. There is no way we could have afforded a baby this year. We have literally gone to our last pennies. We went on food stamps at the end of November and we've sent in a request to withdraw funds from our TSP to pay for taxes in January. Despite the financial hardship, I am in awe - absolute awe - at the blessings we've been given.
For two months the focus of my fasts were on Matthew's/our family's behalf that we'd have the financial means to support our family. Both times within days Matthew was called for interviews, but nothing ever came of them. In December I offered a fast of gratitude instead and the blessings have poured in. Matthew struggled with his health this month, but worked as much as he could - which really wasn't much. We were able to qualify for the food stamps and the amount alotted is so above and beyond our typical food budget that it was absolutely overwhelming the first time I went into the grocery store to buy food. I walked down the aisle thinking, "I could buy whatever I want." I ended up walking out of the store with nothing because of the vastness of the opportunity. We came up with a budget and a plan and now it's better. We received our card on Nov 30th. Leftover amounts carry over to the next month, so we received a full amount that day and then another month's worth Dec 1st. We've decided to use the extra money to really re-stock and stock our pantry so that when we no longer qualify we'll be ok - which looks like it may be sooner than we expected.
Matthew had drill last weekend. He came home with the news that he was told to put in a Request For Orders from Jan 3rd - Feb 9th with the possibility that the work will be extended to March. If it does and he is able to accomplish what they need him to, they will send him to paralegal school then. The next session would start in April. It's a big 'if', but it is still a month's worth of full-time work - and for the Army which is good pay!! We figured that by mid-January we'd go over the income limit for the food stamps and we'll lose the benefits in just a few weeks.
Despite the good news, we were a little disappointed that Matthew wasn't on the schedule at all for the river this week. However, Monday morning Matthew got a call from dispatch asking if he could go in that evening. He did and ended up being put on the schedule every day except Christmas Eve and Day! In one week he's worked as much as one month. Plus he'll be working a lot next week because it is Bowl week.
I felt hesitant about requesting money from our TSP because I'd hoped there would be some way we could find the money. I didn't see how though and realized we needed to get the paperwork in or there was a chance we would end up being delinquent. At this point I'm looking at our financial prospects and thinking we might have been ok after all. But, perhaps the Lord needed us to show something on our end too.
As Christmas started looming, I was thinking a 'what if' scenerio of our family being spotlighted on an angel tree. I wondered what we'd need/want. I realized that there was a true need for just about everyone - especially the boys and Matthew, and I was able to pick one fun thing for the boys too. My 'what if' wasn't real, but amazingly enough our needs have been fulfilled. I found a ton of underwear for Aaron in a box of clothes that someone had given me. One of Matthew's relatives sent us a check that enabled me to buy school shoes for Jared and socks for Matthew (as well as all other Christmas presents), and a friend gave us a bunch of jeans that fit Jared as well as a gift card at JcPenny enabling us to purchase other clothing as needed - like a much needed dress shirt for Matthew. Thankfully with his Army orders that won't be a pressing matter for awhile.
I had bought toys on clearance along the way this year, so I wasn't really worried about the boys' Christmas - except for the clothes that were needed. However, we were identified by Matthew's unit as a family in need, so the Commander bought each of the boys a gift and awarded Matthew a silent auction win that he'd been eye-ing but did not bid on. I know the boys will love their gifts and it was so generous of the unit. I was wrapping presents Thurs night and feeling pretty satisfied with how Christmas was going to turn out. I felt like we had enough and were really blessed. Then, this morning when I was getting ready to leave to go to the grocery store I noticed two garbage bags at our door - filled with gifts for us. It was overwhelming for me. I have a feeling I know who did it b/c one of my friends asked if the boys were going to have a good Christmas. I didn't give much of a response, and I wouldn't be surprised if they went Santa on me :) I have such good friends, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.
Our cup overfloweth. I am so grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness of others. We are SO blessed.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Groundhog Day
A year ago we were in Florida enjoying a vacation at Disney - and awaiting the arrival of a period that didn't come. I find it absolutely amazing that a year ago my cycle has come full circle and again - at the exact same time - I am waiting for AF to show. I am slightly hopeful for this cycle. My temps have been SO stable and at almost 10:00 pm I am still dry on lp day 8. If I can make it through the night w/o AF showing, that will be one day better than I've been in months.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Lonely?
The other day I was thinking about whether or not our family was done and how I felt about that. As I pictured it just being Jared and Aaron getting older, it suprised me that the emotion that followed was loneliness. It felt incomplete I guess, but that really wasn't the word for it. I've been trying to figure out why it would make me feel lonely. I haven't come up with much, but I thought of other families that I know with only two children and even those with lots (4+) of children. Every family's needs are different.
I was going to type this post, but the boys came in and were talking to me. So, I shared this experience with Jared. At first I asked him if he ever felt lonely and he responded that he does when he wants to be with me. I've asked him before how he felt about having another sibling, and he told me was kind of bored with just having Aaron. He'd really like to have a little sister. So, I told him that I think the only way that is going to happen is if he pray for her and make her feel so wanted that she can't help but want to come and be part of our family. He said ok, but by tonight I think he forgot because it wasn't mentioned in his prayer (not really surprised hehe)
I was going to type this post, but the boys came in and were talking to me. So, I shared this experience with Jared. At first I asked him if he ever felt lonely and he responded that he does when he wants to be with me. I've asked him before how he felt about having another sibling, and he told me was kind of bored with just having Aaron. He'd really like to have a little sister. So, I told him that I think the only way that is going to happen is if he pray for her and make her feel so wanted that she can't help but want to come and be part of our family. He said ok, but by tonight I think he forgot because it wasn't mentioned in his prayer (not really surprised hehe)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Balanced Blessings
Fall has arrived. The cooler weather seems to have brought some balance to my hormones, and for the first time in almost a year my temps have managed to stay pretty consistent. This is the time of year that I get pregnant, and I've wondered if it is because my body equalizes with the cooler weather. It is when I am the happiest (besides spring when the weather returns to this state of cool warmth).
Over the last few months I've watched my temps range all over the place and my LP shrink to a whopping 7 days. SEVEN days!! I've been brewing and coming to terms with the thought that my body is reverting to an infertile state and the odds of another pregnancy are slim. I've noticed over the last few cycles that I would get a sharp pain in both ovaries and within hours AF would arrive. It's an interesting 'tell' and a pretty accurate one at that. At first I wondered if the poking were implantation, but it has a different feel than the times I was pregnant so I've learned to pay attention to the subtle difference. Cramps have been odd at times too. When we were on vacation I cramped almost an entire week before AF came. It was very disconcerting trying to figure out what my body was doing. Emotions have been crazy. I've noticed that once I ovulate my mood changes drastically, and I'm much grumpier. It's like I'm PMSing the whole time.
So, this cycle has been different. My temps have been consistent. I don't know exactly what day I ovulated b/c I missed two days last week for the Chickfila campout, but my temp was up the day I started again. So, I am approaching that week mark. Last cycle I thought I might make it passed the seven days because though my temp had dropped on day 6, it went back up on day 7. So far my temp has beem really consistent at 98.2. Monday I felt a really sharp pain on the right side that lasted quite a few seconds, and then yesterday my temp went to 98.4. Today it was back at 98.2, and I've been off and on crampy with that pre-AF feel. I've had a strong gag reflext the last few days too. I'm trying to not over-analyze everything, but I'm wondering if it is possible that I'll need to find our baby seat that's gone missing.
Our October budget marked the end of our savings account. All money is allocated and spent. There is absolutely no way we could have afforded a baby this year. Money is just too tight. Well, I suppose if we didn't take our roadtrip our situation would be a little different, but I really believe that it was important and necessary for us to go. Last month I fasted for our financial situation and within days Matthew was directed by the Lord to visit Lee's office. Matthew went thinking that he would just talk to him about being a reference, but Lee surprised him with a request to apply as a supervisor. I felt that this was an answer to my fast, and Matthew proceeded with the application process. He updated his resume and also began scanning the JISD job postings. I felt the offer was sacred and didn't share it with anyone until the day the supervisor's voted on the applications, at which point I solicited prayers on our behalf. A week later we received word that another applicant was selected. It was very upsetting for Matthew, but he then began applying for a lot of clerical positions within the school district, as well as substituting, and teacher's aid positions. Last week while at Chickfila he received a call requesting an interview for two positions at Eloff Elem. Today he finalized the steps necessary to be a substitute teacher. He had an appt this morning to get finger printed, and once that was accomplished he took his paperwork back to the district office to await word about attending the orientation required. Matthew said that the person in charge was talking to him about the orientation being too full, then stopped mid-sentence and told him to go anyway. He said it was like another person took over. He got in without any problem, though it was indeed full. It will take a few days to process all the new subs, but by the end of next week Matthew has the potential to be working full-time as a substitute teacher.
I know the Lord's hand is in our lives. He knows our needs and is carefully watching over us. His timing is perfect.
Over the last few months I've watched my temps range all over the place and my LP shrink to a whopping 7 days. SEVEN days!! I've been brewing and coming to terms with the thought that my body is reverting to an infertile state and the odds of another pregnancy are slim. I've noticed over the last few cycles that I would get a sharp pain in both ovaries and within hours AF would arrive. It's an interesting 'tell' and a pretty accurate one at that. At first I wondered if the poking were implantation, but it has a different feel than the times I was pregnant so I've learned to pay attention to the subtle difference. Cramps have been odd at times too. When we were on vacation I cramped almost an entire week before AF came. It was very disconcerting trying to figure out what my body was doing. Emotions have been crazy. I've noticed that once I ovulate my mood changes drastically, and I'm much grumpier. It's like I'm PMSing the whole time.
So, this cycle has been different. My temps have been consistent. I don't know exactly what day I ovulated b/c I missed two days last week for the Chickfila campout, but my temp was up the day I started again. So, I am approaching that week mark. Last cycle I thought I might make it passed the seven days because though my temp had dropped on day 6, it went back up on day 7. So far my temp has beem really consistent at 98.2. Monday I felt a really sharp pain on the right side that lasted quite a few seconds, and then yesterday my temp went to 98.4. Today it was back at 98.2, and I've been off and on crampy with that pre-AF feel. I've had a strong gag reflext the last few days too. I'm trying to not over-analyze everything, but I'm wondering if it is possible that I'll need to find our baby seat that's gone missing.
Our October budget marked the end of our savings account. All money is allocated and spent. There is absolutely no way we could have afforded a baby this year. Money is just too tight. Well, I suppose if we didn't take our roadtrip our situation would be a little different, but I really believe that it was important and necessary for us to go. Last month I fasted for our financial situation and within days Matthew was directed by the Lord to visit Lee's office. Matthew went thinking that he would just talk to him about being a reference, but Lee surprised him with a request to apply as a supervisor. I felt that this was an answer to my fast, and Matthew proceeded with the application process. He updated his resume and also began scanning the JISD job postings. I felt the offer was sacred and didn't share it with anyone until the day the supervisor's voted on the applications, at which point I solicited prayers on our behalf. A week later we received word that another applicant was selected. It was very upsetting for Matthew, but he then began applying for a lot of clerical positions within the school district, as well as substituting, and teacher's aid positions. Last week while at Chickfila he received a call requesting an interview for two positions at Eloff Elem. Today he finalized the steps necessary to be a substitute teacher. He had an appt this morning to get finger printed, and once that was accomplished he took his paperwork back to the district office to await word about attending the orientation required. Matthew said that the person in charge was talking to him about the orientation being too full, then stopped mid-sentence and told him to go anyway. He said it was like another person took over. He got in without any problem, though it was indeed full. It will take a few days to process all the new subs, but by the end of next week Matthew has the potential to be working full-time as a substitute teacher.
I know the Lord's hand is in our lives. He knows our needs and is carefully watching over us. His timing is perfect.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Empty Arms
I had really hoped that I'd be able to come home from vacation with positive news, but aside from a great trip there wasn't any. I am afraid my body has fallen back into its infertility pattern and it makes me sad, apprehensive, and guilty for all the misgivings I had about being pregnant. My arms are longing for a new baby to hold, but I am wondering if it is too late. I'm wishing I hadn't been so afraid of getting pg when Aaron was still a baby and I felt that it was time. I wish that I hadn't wished I wasn't pg all those times that I wasn't. I wish that this wasn't so all consuming. I need to trust in the Lord. I've already felt myself question the feelings I had when I was miscarrying. It's passed time for an April birth for this year, but that doesn't mean I'll never have a spring baby.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Ode to Joy
Today marks the day of 'what might have been' had it been the Lord's will. Although, with the way my births have gone, I probably would have delivered this weekend or earlier. This date (July 12th) has loomed in the back of my mind for days, but for the moment there is no real sadness in those thoughts. It is surreal to think that there could have been a new baby being integrated into our family right now. Our experiences of the last seven months would have been drastically different than what they were - and not always for the better judging how I was when I was pregnant with Aaron.
As I mowed the lawn this morning, I began compiling an "I am so blessed" list in my mind. From the mundane and trite to the not so much so, here is what I've come up with so far (in no particular order)....
1) I can mow the lawn myself instead of waiting on someone else to do it.
2) I can keep up with my boys.
3) I am not in constant pain.
4) I am able to love on my boys without having to divide my attention among three (or four if you count Matthew in there too ;) ) and enjoy their relationship with each other as best friends.
5) I am able to go on an insane 3 1/2 week long cross-country road trip at the end of the month.
6) I am able to maintain and even enlarge my piano teaching business.
7) I've been able to spend the last seven months working on getting to my goal weight (and largely succeeding).
8) Though there are moments of sadness - usually spurred by hormone changes, the Lord has given me peace.
9) We don't have to worry about doctor bills we can't pay.
10) I have incredible friends and family who have loved me and supported me in a myriad of ways.
11) We weren't really ready anyway.
12) If it had to happen, the timing and events couldn't have been better.
13) My body held on to that fetus as long as possible to give it every chance to grow if it were going to grow, so that there was no wondering or opportunity for me to think "if only"
14) There are so many others who've waited a LONG time for a baby who are getting one this summer, and I'd gladly give up my turn for them.
15) I can sleep on my back. or side. or tummy. Heck, I get to sleep!!
The list could go on and on. The Lord is mindful of me - of us. I am so grateful once again for a loving doting Father in Heaven who has encircled me in the arms of His love, allowed me to mourn, and then show me a new way. He knew of my goal to be 150 when I got pregnant again, and when I didn't succeed the first time, He gave me a second chance. I'm not saying that's why I miscarried, just that the Lord does care about what we want and will help provide a way for us to accomplish our goals. Of all things, I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and my knowledge of the plan of salvation. And through the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we were able to be sealed together in the temple as a forever family. How blessed I am!
As I mowed the lawn this morning, I began compiling an "I am so blessed" list in my mind. From the mundane and trite to the not so much so, here is what I've come up with so far (in no particular order)....
1) I can mow the lawn myself instead of waiting on someone else to do it.
2) I can keep up with my boys.
3) I am not in constant pain.
4) I am able to love on my boys without having to divide my attention among three (or four if you count Matthew in there too ;) ) and enjoy their relationship with each other as best friends.
5) I am able to go on an insane 3 1/2 week long cross-country road trip at the end of the month.
6) I am able to maintain and even enlarge my piano teaching business.
7) I've been able to spend the last seven months working on getting to my goal weight (and largely succeeding).
8) Though there are moments of sadness - usually spurred by hormone changes, the Lord has given me peace.
9) We don't have to worry about doctor bills we can't pay.
10) I have incredible friends and family who have loved me and supported me in a myriad of ways.
11) We weren't really ready anyway.
12) If it had to happen, the timing and events couldn't have been better.
13) My body held on to that fetus as long as possible to give it every chance to grow if it were going to grow, so that there was no wondering or opportunity for me to think "if only"
14) There are so many others who've waited a LONG time for a baby who are getting one this summer, and I'd gladly give up my turn for them.
15) I can sleep on my back. or side. or tummy. Heck, I get to sleep!!
The list could go on and on. The Lord is mindful of me - of us. I am so grateful once again for a loving doting Father in Heaven who has encircled me in the arms of His love, allowed me to mourn, and then show me a new way. He knew of my goal to be 150 when I got pregnant again, and when I didn't succeed the first time, He gave me a second chance. I'm not saying that's why I miscarried, just that the Lord does care about what we want and will help provide a way for us to accomplish our goals. Of all things, I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and my knowledge of the plan of salvation. And through the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we were able to be sealed together in the temple as a forever family. How blessed I am!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
New Life
Alright, I admit it. Today I am not ok with having lost a baby. In December I thought the new body coming would be a baby, not a new one for me. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I've been able to accomplish such an amazing feat - and it really is. I am so proud of myself for reaching my weight loss goal. But as the time draws near for when I'd be delivering, I feel a remorse. Whenever MH comments about my weight loss, this trade-off is always my first thought.
I happened to be in a position today where the first-born of the summer babies was handed to me to hold, and had the right people been around me I'd have lost it. I was next in line. Just another two weeks and I'd be full term. Aaron was two weeks early. I could have had a baby any day now.
The other side of me recognizes that there is a plan. Whenever I've gone through rough spots with the boys the last 7 months, I think how much harder it would have been had I been pregnant. I also wonder how different the boys' relationships would be if we were preparing them for another sibling. Aaron is so possessive of me, that I wonder if he needed the extra year. And honestly, I think Matthew and I did too. We were not ready. Today I am hormonal and feeling ready. Give me another few months and maybe I'll change my mind again lol But seriously, I do feel like it is time. We'll see what happens though.
July 17th is a dual baby shower for the August preggos. We'll see how I hold up.
I happened to be in a position today where the first-born of the summer babies was handed to me to hold, and had the right people been around me I'd have lost it. I was next in line. Just another two weeks and I'd be full term. Aaron was two weeks early. I could have had a baby any day now.
The other side of me recognizes that there is a plan. Whenever I've gone through rough spots with the boys the last 7 months, I think how much harder it would have been had I been pregnant. I also wonder how different the boys' relationships would be if we were preparing them for another sibling. Aaron is so possessive of me, that I wonder if he needed the extra year. And honestly, I think Matthew and I did too. We were not ready. Today I am hormonal and feeling ready. Give me another few months and maybe I'll change my mind again lol But seriously, I do feel like it is time. We'll see what happens though.
July 17th is a dual baby shower for the August preggos. We'll see how I hold up.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Hunger
I'm feeling the pull. As I was midcycle this month the impression came that I would get pregnant - which would really be perfect timing, but AF came as usual. I weighed in at 150.1 this morning, which means I have pretty much met my goal. I would not be surprised if the Lord allowed a pgcy to happen because I've met my goal. He is kind and thoughtful that way. I have found myself being sad at the new pg announcements popping up. It is nearing the time I should have been delivering. It is surreal to think we could have been preparing to bring home a baby any day now, but I'm honestly ok with that. I'm more sad at the new announcements than the babies preparing for birth.
My emotions have been like a light switch because for the last 9 months I've been ok with not having another baby. I was content with what we had, but the ache is returning. I'm hearing Matthew mention another baby here and there too. Usually it is in the context of, do we really want another one? But I hadn't heard any comments for awhile, and now I'm hearing them, which means it is on his mind as well. We will see what happens.
My emotions have been like a light switch because for the last 9 months I've been ok with not having another baby. I was content with what we had, but the ache is returning. I'm hearing Matthew mention another baby here and there too. Usually it is in the context of, do we really want another one? But I hadn't heard any comments for awhile, and now I'm hearing them, which means it is on his mind as well. We will see what happens.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Heartache
Jared expressed to me again tonight the sadness he is feeling about the lost baby. My heart aches for him, and I realize we really didn't encourage him to grieve. We cried together the day we found out that the baby had died, and I let him know it was ok to cry, but once he finished crying he spent the rest of the week in a Wii trance. The funny thing is that I think he's remembered the baby more since it's death than when I was actually pregnant. While pregnant, he called the baby Peaches. Perhaps naming it gave him more of a connection. I think the emptiness of the house is making the memory and loss more acute for him. I am grateful for the music I can make to work through my feelings. I don't know what to do for him other than to hold him and be close.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
As good a spot as any...
I'm having thoughts that I want out there, but not necessarily in a way that is quite so obvious. I figure putting it here with Aaron's birth story is appropriate because it is a birth story in its own right. I will probably come back and actually make a 'birth story' at some point:
For anyone reading who may not know, I got pregnant in November of 2009 with a July 18, 2010 due date; but miscarried at 10 weeks - Christmas Eve. I saved all the tissue that passed, but they couldn't find any fetal tissue to test. When I went for my 9 week appt, they didn't listen for the heartbeat, which I found odd. But, I am grateful too because of the way things played out. I started bleeding the following week, Monday night. Tuesday morning I went in for an u/s and discovered a life-less 6 week old fetus. It was very sad for all of us. But, if it had to happen, the Lord did it in the best way possible. I have been able to recognize the blessings in the experience. And as I was miscarrying, I felt the Lord tell me that this was not meant to be a July baby but a spring baby. I'm thinking she'll return to us in April (which would mean we get pg in July). We'll see though.
I was really mad that there was no fetal tissue for the lab to test. All the effort that I went through to sort through the blood and save the tissues seemed like such a wasted effort. I know what I saw too! As the anger coursed through me though, at the same time I felt the Lord tell me to calm down because it just wasn't meant to be.
In seeking solace through the message boards, I read someone's comment that they don't think of the fetus as a baby at conception but as a cell attached to her uterus. It's easier to be ok with the process of a 'bad match' when a miscarriage happens. I've thought about her comment coupled with a lesson that was given to the Primary kids in sharing time about our bodies and the spirit that inhabits them. Sis. A did the hand in a glove object lesson and said that if there is no spirit our bodies aren't alive. After her lesson, I wondered When does life really begin? Is it when the heart starts to beat? The heart starts to beat around 6 weeks post conception and the embryo turns into a fetus as the major brain/body development begins. If my baby stopped growing at six weeks, there's a chance the heart never beat, the body was never really viable or inhabitable for a spirit. As I reconciled these thoughts, I became ok with the miscarriage. There was a healing that came that took the pain away and the emotion behind it.
At this point, it is hard to believe that I was ever pregnant. My womb has not ached for a missing child. On the rare times I have felt a flicker of feeling about the miscarriage, it is never about the baby. It's about missing out on sharing the experience with friends. There are at least 8 people that I know of who are all due this summer (all with girls too). When I realized how many people were pregnant with similar due dates, I thought: due to the overwhelming demand, my baby has been put on backorder. So many of the ones who are having babies are ones who've waited a long time for this blessing and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! If I had to choose between me getting a baby and them, I'd give my baby up again in a heartbeat.
Today one of those people was wearing a maternity shirt that just accentuated her condition, and for the first time I felt an inkling of 'jealousy' - though it isn't really. My emotions are on the surface today because Jared brought it up last night. He was feeling sad about the lost baby and Aaron going away on a trip with Matthew. I often wonder how long Jared will be effected by this loss. Will he always remember this baby that wasn't? or will time heal his wound too? As he was feeling sad, I told him that some times sad things happen. But, Heavenly Father always makes it right/ok in the end. I hope he is able to experience the truth in that.
For anyone reading who may not know, I got pregnant in November of 2009 with a July 18, 2010 due date; but miscarried at 10 weeks - Christmas Eve. I saved all the tissue that passed, but they couldn't find any fetal tissue to test. When I went for my 9 week appt, they didn't listen for the heartbeat, which I found odd. But, I am grateful too because of the way things played out. I started bleeding the following week, Monday night. Tuesday morning I went in for an u/s and discovered a life-less 6 week old fetus. It was very sad for all of us. But, if it had to happen, the Lord did it in the best way possible. I have been able to recognize the blessings in the experience. And as I was miscarrying, I felt the Lord tell me that this was not meant to be a July baby but a spring baby. I'm thinking she'll return to us in April (which would mean we get pg in July). We'll see though.
I was really mad that there was no fetal tissue for the lab to test. All the effort that I went through to sort through the blood and save the tissues seemed like such a wasted effort. I know what I saw too! As the anger coursed through me though, at the same time I felt the Lord tell me to calm down because it just wasn't meant to be.
In seeking solace through the message boards, I read someone's comment that they don't think of the fetus as a baby at conception but as a cell attached to her uterus. It's easier to be ok with the process of a 'bad match' when a miscarriage happens. I've thought about her comment coupled with a lesson that was given to the Primary kids in sharing time about our bodies and the spirit that inhabits them. Sis. A did the hand in a glove object lesson and said that if there is no spirit our bodies aren't alive. After her lesson, I wondered When does life really begin? Is it when the heart starts to beat? The heart starts to beat around 6 weeks post conception and the embryo turns into a fetus as the major brain/body development begins. If my baby stopped growing at six weeks, there's a chance the heart never beat, the body was never really viable or inhabitable for a spirit. As I reconciled these thoughts, I became ok with the miscarriage. There was a healing that came that took the pain away and the emotion behind it.
At this point, it is hard to believe that I was ever pregnant. My womb has not ached for a missing child. On the rare times I have felt a flicker of feeling about the miscarriage, it is never about the baby. It's about missing out on sharing the experience with friends. There are at least 8 people that I know of who are all due this summer (all with girls too). When I realized how many people were pregnant with similar due dates, I thought: due to the overwhelming demand, my baby has been put on backorder. So many of the ones who are having babies are ones who've waited a long time for this blessing and I am absolutely thrilled for them!! If I had to choose between me getting a baby and them, I'd give my baby up again in a heartbeat.
Today one of those people was wearing a maternity shirt that just accentuated her condition, and for the first time I felt an inkling of 'jealousy' - though it isn't really. My emotions are on the surface today because Jared brought it up last night. He was feeling sad about the lost baby and Aaron going away on a trip with Matthew. I often wonder how long Jared will be effected by this loss. Will he always remember this baby that wasn't? or will time heal his wound too? As he was feeling sad, I told him that some times sad things happen. But, Heavenly Father always makes it right/ok in the end. I hope he is able to experience the truth in that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)