The Close of a Year

As the 2010 Christmas Day arrives, it has been one year since I spent the night laboring for a 6 week old fetus. It is amazing to me the transitions that have happened for me over the last year - the ups and downs and healings that have come. My wounds have been bound and for the most part the scar is faded. The miscarriage is a fact that is no longer colored with emotion. I still find myself sitting on the fence about having another baby. Aaron and Jared both are working their way out of diapers, and I'm ready to pack that stage up and move on. Though another baby would still be welcome and wanted, I also feel ready to purge the house of baby things. I want to declutter and move forward. When I told Matthew I wanted to purge, he asked if that meant I didn't want another one and if I did, then we should keep it. So, it all still sits. If nothing else, we should downsize b/c we have more than enough. Simplify.

I believe that the miscarriage was one of the Lord's tender mercies. There is no way we could have afforded a baby this year. We have literally gone to our last pennies. We went on food stamps at the end of November and we've sent in a request to withdraw funds from our TSP to pay for taxes in January. Despite the financial hardship, I am in awe - absolute awe - at the blessings we've been given.

For two months the focus of my fasts were on Matthew's/our family's behalf that we'd have the financial means to support our family. Both times within days Matthew was called for interviews, but nothing ever came of them. In December I offered a fast of gratitude instead and the blessings have poured in. Matthew struggled with his health this month, but worked as much as he could - which really wasn't much. We were able to qualify for the food stamps and the amount alotted is so above and beyond our typical food budget that it was absolutely overwhelming the first time I went into the grocery store to buy food. I walked down the aisle thinking, "I could buy whatever I want." I ended up walking out of the store with nothing because of the vastness of the opportunity. We came up with a budget and a plan and now it's better. We received our card on Nov 30th. Leftover amounts carry over to the next month, so we received a full amount that day and then another month's worth Dec 1st. We've decided to use the extra money to really re-stock and stock our pantry so that when we no longer qualify we'll be ok - which looks like it may be sooner than we expected.

Matthew had drill last weekend. He came home with the news that he was told to put in a Request For Orders from Jan 3rd - Feb 9th with the possibility that the work will be extended to March. If it does and he is able to accomplish what they need him to, they will send him to paralegal school then. The next session would start in April. It's a big 'if', but it is still a month's worth of full-time work - and for the Army which is good pay!! We figured that by mid-January we'd go over the income limit for the food stamps and we'll lose the benefits in just a few weeks.

Despite the good news, we were a little disappointed that Matthew wasn't on the schedule at all for the river this week. However, Monday morning Matthew got a call from dispatch asking if he could go in that evening. He did and ended up being put on the schedule every day except Christmas Eve and Day! In one week he's worked as much as one month. Plus he'll be working a lot next week because it is Bowl week.

I felt hesitant about requesting money from our TSP because I'd hoped there would be some way we could find the money. I didn't see how though and realized we needed to get the paperwork in or there was a chance we would end up being delinquent. At this point I'm looking at our financial prospects and thinking we might have been ok after all. But, perhaps the Lord needed us to show something on our end too.

As Christmas started looming, I was thinking a 'what if' scenerio of our family being spotlighted on an angel tree. I wondered what we'd need/want. I realized that there was a true need for just about everyone - especially the boys and Matthew, and I was able to pick one fun thing for the boys too. My 'what if' wasn't real, but amazingly enough our needs have been fulfilled. I found a ton of underwear for Aaron in a box of clothes that someone had given me. One of Matthew's relatives sent us a check that enabled me to buy school shoes for Jared and socks for Matthew (as well as all other Christmas presents), and a friend gave us a bunch of jeans that fit Jared as well as a gift card at JcPenny enabling us to purchase other clothing as needed - like a much needed dress shirt for Matthew. Thankfully with his Army orders that won't be a pressing matter for awhile.

I had bought toys on clearance along the way this year, so I wasn't really worried about the boys' Christmas - except for the clothes that were needed. However, we were identified by Matthew's unit as a family in need, so the Commander bought each of the boys a gift and awarded Matthew a silent auction win that he'd been eye-ing but did not bid on. I know the boys will love their gifts and it was so generous of the unit. I was wrapping presents Thurs night and feeling pretty satisfied with how Christmas was going to turn out. I felt like we had enough and were really blessed. Then, this morning when I was getting ready to leave to go to the grocery store I noticed two garbage bags at our door - filled with gifts for us. It was overwhelming for me. I have a feeling I know who did it b/c one of my friends asked if the boys were going to have a good Christmas. I didn't give much of a response, and I wouldn't be surprised if they went Santa on me :) I have such good friends, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Our cup overfloweth. I am so grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness of others. We are SO blessed.