New Life

Alright, I admit it. Today I am not ok with having lost a baby. In December I thought the new body coming would be a baby, not a new one for me. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I've been able to accomplish such an amazing feat - and it really is. I am so proud of myself for reaching my weight loss goal. But as the time draws near for when I'd be delivering, I feel a remorse. Whenever MH comments about my weight loss, this trade-off is always my first thought.

I happened to be in a position today where the first-born of the summer babies was handed to me to hold, and had the right people been around me I'd have lost it. I was next in line. Just another two weeks and I'd be full term. Aaron was two weeks early. I could have had a baby any day now.

The other side of me recognizes that there is a plan. Whenever I've gone through rough spots with the boys the last 7 months, I think how much harder it would have been had I been pregnant. I also wonder how different the boys' relationships would be if we were preparing them for another sibling. Aaron is so possessive of me, that I wonder if he needed the extra year. And honestly, I think Matthew and I did too. We were not ready. Today I am hormonal and feeling ready. Give me another few months and maybe I'll change my mind again lol But seriously, I do feel like it is time. We'll see what happens though.

July 17th is a dual baby shower for the August preggos. We'll see how I hold up.

Hunger

I'm feeling the pull. As I was midcycle this month the impression came that I would get pregnant - which would really be perfect timing, but AF came as usual. I weighed in at 150.1 this morning, which means I have pretty much met my goal. I would not be surprised if the Lord allowed a pgcy to happen because I've met my goal. He is kind and thoughtful that way. I have found myself being sad at the new pg announcements popping up. It is nearing the time I should have been delivering. It is surreal to think we could have been preparing to bring home a baby any day now, but I'm honestly ok with that. I'm more sad at the new announcements than the babies preparing for birth.

My emotions have been like a light switch because for the last 9 months I've been ok with not having another baby. I was content with what we had, but the ache is returning. I'm hearing Matthew mention another baby here and there too. Usually it is in the context of, do we really want another one? But I hadn't heard any comments for awhile, and now I'm hearing them, which means it is on his mind as well. We will see what happens.