A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had the baby early. There was no labor and though I had a baby, I never saw it. Last night I dreamt that I was in the bathroom and when I wiped a huge blobby clot came out - the beginning of a miscarriage. I hope it is just my apprehension and not a premonition. One week to go to find out.

It was quite the emotional week. At the end of Thurs night's breakdown Matthew decided that he would be in charge of Jared when he got home from work. Friday got off earlier, rearranged his 'office' and created a desk space for Jared to do his homework. The result after school was amazing. Jared responded so well to the set up and program that Matthew put in to place. They organized all his assignments on separate post it notes, they alternated choosing an assignment, and had frequent breaks. There ended up being 10 post its. By the time we had dinner, 5 had been accomplished and not a word was said from me. Unfortunately he chose all the relatively easy ones which meant all the writing assignments were left for the actual weekend. Matthew had drill so Jared and I decided (well, mostly I did) that we would keep up this program and accomplish his HW while Matthew was at work so that when he got home it was free time. It took all day, but he did it. There were tears and a little bit of words exchanged, but it was done and there was rejoicing.

It is becoming more and more apparent that Jared and I are treading a line that will define our relationship for the rest of his growing years and it isn't pretty. I know he loves me, but I think there is also anger and resentment boiling under the surface. I don't react well to his ADHD and find his behavior quite frustrating. As a result, I am quick to lose my patience. Many times words come out harsher than they need to be. To Aaron as well.

This week especially I have felt a lot of anger and just want to yell and scream. I think a lot of it is hormones and stress over the outcome of this pregnancy. Last night I was having a lot of cramps and felt so nauseous that I thought for sure I'd lost the baby, but today I feel fine again so who knows. I've asked Matthew for a blessing. Several times I've thought about telling the boys - at least Jared - what is going on, but just can't quite bring myself to do it. On one hand I think it would be helpful, but on the other I don't want him especially to have to carry the burden of worry either. It is two weeks til my appointment. Come what may, I can make it two weeks, right?

Sometimes I make a mess of things. Sometimes is happening a lot lately. My throat is sore from screaming. Jared is downstairs bawling. I get so frustrated and Matthew cleans up the mess. It isn't fair to him or the boys. I am approaching 8 weeks and the worry/stress of whether I'll hear a heartbeat Dec 3rd is playing its toll I think.  And the boys have hit this streak lately that just infuriates me - a total lack of regard for authority. Jared is struggling too but instead of talking with him I yell and cut him off. I worry about our relationship as he grows. We are on a rocky road that will not end well if I don't get myself together.

Tiredness has overwhelmed me. For the most part I have fought it and taken snippets of naps when I absolutely need to, but today I have mostly slept the day away. I got up at 9ish, made the boys breakfast, then laid down about 11? and then didn't get up again until 1:15. I showered and could have gone right back down and slept the rest of the day. I am beginning to wonder if my iron levels are really low. I should probably start taking some vitamins.

Tues I am picking up an arms reach co-sleeper from freecycle. I have wanted one of those but they don't come cheap. I happened to be thinking about them again the other night as I wondered how we would set up for a baby, then lo and behold one shows up on freecycle so I decided to take it. I hope that we will have the opportunity to use it.