Hard to believe it has been a week already. For the most part I am doing well, but I am having cramping off and on. Sometimes it is really uncomfortable. Today especially.It has felt almost like I was in labor again. I talked to the midwife yesterday and she said there is probably some tissue my body is still trying to get rid of. I believe that, but I think my body is struggling to do it. I don't think I've had enough blood flow to purge my insides. That seems like an odd thing to say, but I think it is true. I have an appt with them on the 4th. She did ask if there was a bad smell, which there isn't at this point. I suppose if it gets to that then we'll know I am in trouble for sure.

I told Matthew that I could really use a blessing in the next few days and agreed. He had forgotten I'd asked.

While Matthew had the boys yesterday morning and most of the afternoon I enjoyed the quiet and did some laundry and began the task of 'the great clothing migration' for Aaron. I was just finishing up when they got home. I don't know if it was timing or the energy they came in with, but I felt zapped after that. I ended up on the couch and fell asleep. Jared asked me why I'd slept so much the last few days. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something like I've been tired and not feeling well.

I ended up having more cramping the rest of the day. It wasn't as painful as before delivery, but they were still pretty uncomfortable. I am sure it was just the afterbirth cramping for the uterus to shrink again but it was miserable. I ended up laying in bed most of the evening. Matthew ordered Papa Johns for us and we all ate on the bed together. Jared and Matthew played on the Wii and Aaron played on my computer til midnight while I crashed out. I was so worn out.

I did not want to get up this morning but with Stake Conference we couldn't sleep in very late either. I have felt pretty well today with just a little cramping off and on but I still feel pretty tired. I am more weepy today though. I was thinking this morning that unlike when you have a newborn, I'm not getting any of the oxytocin to counter the effects of labor and delivery. What a wild ride pregnancy is.

It is over.

Once I laid down at 2 am I had contractions pretty regularly for the rest of the night. At one point I thought about waking Matthew up to rub my back but I just let him sleep. I got up off and on to go potty, but around 5:30 I had a really strong contraction and Matthew asked in his semi-conscious asleep state if I needed to walk around to get my water to break. I told him no, but then I felt a small gush and made a dash to the bathroom and didn't leave again until almost 8.

About 6:15 I hit transition. I HATE transition. My ears were buzzing, I broke out into a sweat, I was afraid I'd puke or pass out. My arms were limp. oh man it is rough. Finally it passed and I expected to feel the pushing contractions or a gush or something but they didn't come. I tried pushing anyway to get some movement and got none. I even tried pushing on my uterus. I think around 7 I stood up to see if changing position would help, and when I sat back down I finally felt the descent but never felt it completely pass. I decided to wipe and see what would happen and that is how I discovered the flesh was there at the opening and was stuck. I tugged a bit and got a large flat piece of tissue. There was still more stuck there and no matter how hard I tried to push it on out, it wouldn't come. Eventually I took some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand and pulled the remaining tissue from my body. It was long and stringy, but definitely more flesh/tissue product. Most of the contractions had subsided by this point so once I was convinced it was pretty much over, I cleaned up and left the bathroom. I was hungry from the effort and cold from the sweat of transition so I grabbed a stick of string cheese and hurried to get under the blankets with Matthew. We talked a little bit and then I went back to sleep.

I didn't get to rest long before the boys were up and playing in my bed. I finally sent them away so I could sleep, but Matthew was in and out by then too preparing for a trek down to Ft Dix. I really wanted to go, but I also wanted to stay home. About 9:30 I felt another gush of liquid so I ran to the bathroom again though I grabbed clothes so I could shower after. Finally a large clot came and I was able to feel empty. I feel much better now that I have showered.

I was telling Matthew that this experience is so different than the last one. There were a lot of blood clots the first time, but this time not so much. It seemed a lot drier, so I was relieved to have at least one large clot come. I know I experienced labor the first time, but I don't recall having the sharp pains in the contractions across my abdomen and back like this time. It also didn't take as long between transition and delivery. However, start to finish was a lot of quicker this time. The first sign of blood was Wed and I delivered in the early hours of Saturday vs first blood on Monday and not delivering until the early hours of Friday. Well, it is close. Matthew's response to this conversation was that every pregnancy is different :p

I have felt pretty much at peace with the situation and have not been sad or cried about it since Wed. However, as I laid in bed this morning thinking about showering, my mind wandered to my previous births and wondered how soon after I showered. And what did I do with my boys/babies? Did someone hold them while I showered? Did I leave them in the nursery cart? I don't remember. And then I thought of those tiny babies and it made me sad to not have one to cuddle and take care of. Only then did tears come, but there were no sobs.

Someone on facebook had posted the BYI Alumni profile of a family in our ward. Since I am on bedrest, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I learned that this family lost two of their children in a row. Such heartache. It was hard to watch considering my circumstances, but when it comes to families it is all kinds of hard.

2 am

My lower back is constantly uncomfortable though massaging it helps. I am having shooting pains across my abdomen like a nerve is being hit. My contractions seem to be getting more intense but I am still not seeing much by way of clotting so I know I am a long way off yet. I have realized that the flow is about the usual for a period though the cramping is more intense than I would normally feel for my period.

I haven't exercised since Monday but I thought about it today. I haven't because I've been so uncomfortable but I've also thought that if I were at the end of a 9 month pregnancy I would be walking to get labor started. Probably walking would kick start things now too - though that idea isn't exactly appealing to me either.

In other news, Matthew told me he submitted his AGR packet last night. So now we wait and see what fate will hand us.

11:50 am and I am having stronger cramping and more blood flow.

I have a constant kind of sharp pain in my stomach today. And I'm tired. I told Matthew this morning it feels like someone punched me in the stomach :p I am not really crampy though, but my lower back still kind of aches. Still not a lot of bleeding despite having some contractions last night that I thought for sure would bring a swell of blood.

Last night I started to feel kind of crampy like I do when my period is due. I think I lost my mucus plug earlier in the day. I had a glob of green come out that I assume was it. I went to the bathroom around 11:30 pm and had a little bit of spotting and some more cramping. The other day I looked at the calendar to figure how much time passed last time between my first show of blood to the actual delivery. If I remember right, it was a Mon when I started spotting but Christmas Eve was on Friday. So it took about 5 days from start to finish. My lower back is sore today and I feel more wet and crampy this morning. I know my body is starting to do its work but we'll see how long the process will take this time.

Yesterday afternoon I was helping Jared with his homework in his room, and though I don't remember how the conversation came up, somehow we started talking about how sad I was the day before and told them that I will probably be sad for awhile. Finally Jared asked why I was sad, but then said, 'I know. Someone died.' I affirmed that guess. And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but a baby dying was mentioned and they thought I was referring to another child, but finally it started to sink in that it was OUR baby who died. It came as a complete shock for them because they had no idea. I told them that we weren't going to say anything so they wouldn't be sad, but went ahead and told them because he asked. I spoke mostly to Jared because he was fueling the conversation with questions, but Aaron was also present and expressed his grief that he wanted a baby too. Jared wanted to know why I didn't look pregnant. I told him that a baby takes about 40 weeks to grow, ours was 8 weeks when it died - the week we got back from TX. So it was really small. He wanted to know why it quit growing. I told him I have no idea, but he could ask Heavenly Father because He would know. He wondered if and suggested the doctors could find out. I told him they could, but they won't. He wanted to know if it was a girl or boy. I told him that it was too small/young to know. He said he wanted a girl baby. I told him, maybe it was going to be a boy so Heavenly Father stopped it from growing :)

I pressed upon them that I didn't want people to know about the situation so they are not to tell others. We can talk about it between ourselves but do not discuss it with others. Jared asked what if he started crying in the middle of school. Basically he wanted to know if he could discuss it with the guidance counselor who has been working so closely with him. I gave him permission because that is one more variable for him to be dealing with. I told them it was ok to cry, pray, draw pictures, write in their journal, whatever they needed to do to grieve. They both decided to draw a picture. I think it helped them because they were kind of laughing by the end with some of the things they added to it. I thought about showing them a picture from babycenter about what the baby - fetus really - looked like, but I decided to let it go.

Matthew has expressed that he keeps thinking somehow it is his fault though he knows it isn't. He has been sweet and kind and asked what he can do to help. Finally this morning I told him there really isn't anything he can do except give me a blessing. He agreed that was probably the only realistic response. He had to go to work so obviously it wasn't the right time for it, but he has the time to prepare himself mentally now and will do it when he is ready, I am sure.

This morning he discovered the happy news that he has been transferred to the Paralegal part of the unit. It happened the day after drill. This unit doesn't dawdle!! He is so excited :D It means that his opportunity is in the works. And amidst this great thing happening, I can't feel justified in being bitter about this pregnancy not working out. Obviously the Lord is orchestrating a great thing in our lives and there is a reason behind the heartache. I was continuing my reading in Ether as the Jaredites board the boats and cross the great waters. I found a great parallel there as they get swallowed up in the sea and the waves dash upon them, but they are safe inside their vessels and have the Light from Christ to guide them on the inside. They have moments of being swallowed up, but they are also brought to the surface for refreshment and respite all the while praying and singing praises for the Lord's tender mercies.

This is around 8 wks 3 days - Feb 24th. Interestingly this was the week my symptoms quit - bbs quit feeling so big and sore, I dropped a pound, and I quit feeling bloated and sick. It could be coincidence or not.

On one hand I feel a sense of peace, and on the other I don't. The fact I still have to deliver this fetus is not a happy thought for me. I will be sure to make a 'birth story' accessible for future reference though. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone at home. I'd rather have to go through this without having to acknowledge it to anyone else. I don't really want sympathy right now, but last time the bringing of a meal by Sharon the day I got the news was a real blessing. We had pizza tonight. Amazingly I really didn't feel like eating though I had no problem doing it. 

We read scriptures tonight and Aaron opened to the book of Revelations chapter 20. We read through the end of the book, but this verse felt especially poignant:

‎"And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away" ~ Revelations 20:4

8 weeks 3 days. There was the yolk sac and fetus. I should be 11 weeks this week. I will wait another week or two for my body to catch up and then if it doesn't schedule a D&C

Still no heartbeat. Heading to get an ultrasound in about 30 minutes. I believe it will be a miracle to find life inside me. I have prayed for peace, understanding and comfort.

I thought this week would pass so slowly, but it hasn't. I have felt great, been productive, and look forward to Tues!

Tuesday I felt especially good and wanted to be productive so I prayed for help in following through. My prayer was answered. Aaron ended up falling asleep after he got home from school so it allowed me to do some things around the house that I normally don't feel like can get done while he is home. I managed to clean the bathroom in the 15 minutes I had between getting home from scripture class and him getting off the bus; then once he fell asleep I did two loads of laundry, dishes, and swept and mopped the floor. I think I wore myself out though because Wed I felt so dead and did not want to do anything. Overall though, it really has been a great week.

Matthew just got home from his second day of drill at his new unit. It seems the Lord knew exactly what He was doing by transferring him there. He had an 'interview' with someone today that resulted in three things 1) he is to apply for promotion, 2) they are pushing paperwork through for him to go to 27D school (paralegal school - his dream), and 3) put in AGR packet again. When Matthew said it would stink for them to put him through school and then move out with AGR they said, 'Oh well. Look out for yourself.' SO many people have expressed those sentiments to me but it was good for him to hear it from someone with authority. He realizes he has no room for failure on his PT test, so there's more motivation for that element as well.

I am excited and look forward to what the next few months will bring and where this adventure will take us.