Yesterday I decided to check the mail because it hadn't been done in a few days and found the new Ensign had come. I was so down yesterday I really just wanted to escape and didn't spend much time in the scriptures, but at lunch I was at the table by myself and decided to open the Ensign and read the First Presidency msg. As soon as the I read the title, the feeling of the Spirit wrapped itself around me and I knew it was for me. The title, "Peace, Be Still". Here is the final quote from the article:

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so. His words in holy writ are sufficient: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I testify to this truth."

It was enough. I knew that the Lord has a plan and not to worry. It will be ok. From that moment, I did feel peace and light-hearted again. I felt like smiling and being happy again. I am thankful for that.

Still feeling disappointed, down, and weepy. I think I will ask Matthew for a blessing. I don't know that I can go two weeks with this worry and wondering. It isn't healthy. I did catch hold of the thought of Aaron and his drawing a baby in my arms and thinking he wouldn't have done it if it weren't really going to happen. I think it was too inspired. Every once in awhile he'll rub my tummy too. Though he went to the appt yesterday, I think he is too young to understand anything that was said. He could hear the doppler through the walls and just thought it was my own heartbeat.

Had my first appointment. She said my uterus was in a good position but we did not hear a heartbeat. I was hoping and praying it would somehow shine through, but it never did. She suggested that maybe I wasn't quite as far along as we thought since we don't know when I ovulated - like 7 1/2 - 8 weeks. We've scheduled another appt for March 11 hoping it will be good and strong by then to hear on the doppler. I really wish they did dating u/s :(

When I got home from the appt, Matthew was already home and Aaron ran on inside. I didn't feel like getting out of the car so I sat there reading through the packet of info they gave me. Matthew came out looking for me after not too long to check on me. When I told him that they didn't find a heartbeat a look of sadness and anger crossed his face and tears welled in his eyes. I told him they'd try again in two weeks but it did little to assuage his hurt. I am holding on to hope though.

This morning I would prefer to be actually writing in my journal instead of typing into the blog, but I am tucked in bed, my pen has walked off, and I don't feel like finding getting up and finding one.

Matthew has finally been able to be in communication with his new unit on Staten Island (an hour drive away!!). He will be a general's secretary and in a Civil Affairs unit. He was telling me about what he learned from a guy who just left the same building on the way to drill this morning (his last one at the Trenton unit) and seemed kind of excited about the types of things that they do. With such a long commute now, we need to either get his truck back in working order or get a functioning car. There is one that has been sitting on the side of the road down the street with a for sale sign. But I think he'd rather fix up the truck (though it needs a LOT of work).

I feel at a loss as to what we will do once the lease expires in May/June. Every once in awhile I think about birthing a baby in this house and I cringe. I have looked at housing options though and for the price, we might as well stay here. If we did stay, I would want the carpet changed and the screen door fixed at least. Though the dog has been a good thing, he is not good for carpet :p I look forward to the day we will be pet-less again. Coming back from TX, I look forward to having our own space again. Though it has not been bad to share the house for the most part, I am ready to be able to call the shots on where things go and have a place to put all our stuff. Matthew needs his space too. He is especially having a hard time with the situation.

There is a flower shop practically across the street from us that had a 'help wanted' sign out. I picked up an application last week - felt an urgency in doing so - but never finished it. This morning the sign was gone :/ Too late.

I am anxious for my appointment on Tues and really wish I were getting an u/s. I am feeling nervous that something might be wrong. My bbs don't hurt like they had been and I've been having some pains and a little bit of cramping this morning. I m/c at 9 wks last time which is where I am this week. I don't feel as bloated either though it could just be where I am in the pgcy too. Guess we'll see! I was supposed to do a hospital tour yesterday but didn't go since I won't deliver at that hospital, Matthew was at work, and kids weren't allowed. I probably should have called and removed my name, but I didn't.

Mike called last night to talk houses with me. The baby wasn't cooperative so they go back in two weeks to try again. They think it is a girl though.

Yesterday was spent cleaning up the boys' room. They did an amazing job and worked so hard! I gave them a break about noon on the Wii. They played for about 30 minutes then went back to finish. By 3 they were tired of it and ended up with a longer break after lunch. But, while Aaron worked on changing his sheets and doing his laundry, Jared tackled his pile of homework - and there was a LOT of it! I was especially proud of him. He worked and worked at his homework. By the time he fell asleep he was down to one and catching up his moon journal. I think he felt good about how much he accomplished yesterday too.

We were sent Just Dance and Just Dance 2 from a high school acquaintence. It has been so fun playing with the boys. Last night after they'd gone to bed I pulled out JD2 and danced for awhile. That is totally a game I could spend hours playing! I love it :)

I never really had morning sickness with my other pregnancies but this one is certainly asserting itself over my stomach. Yesterday I felt sickish most of the late afternoon and evening. I kind of wonder if it wasn't the peanut butter choco crunch ball I had as a snack - a tiny 1 TB size ball.

A couple of weeks ago I was craving peanut butter in a bad way. I finally took a big spoonful and had animal crackers with it then got a second helping. That second helping totally did me in and made me feel sick like natural peanut butter does. Ever since then it has gotten worse. At this point I can't even think about peanut butter or smell it without making me feel nauseous. I've been on a granola bar making binge and just the thought of the peanut butter in them is a turn off :(

Today Mike and Tran go for their gender u/s. So excited to find out!! I have my first appt next Tues at 1:30. The boys are still in the dark, but Aaron will have to go with me. I am not quite sure how well that will go over.... I am debating having someone watch him, but we'll see. I decided to go with the homebirth midwives on the chance that I decide to do a homebirth. I figure this will be my one opportunity to do it so I might as well. But they only do the 20 wk u/s not a dating one :( On one hand I am amazed that I am already 8 weeks and on the other hand it is passing so slowly!!

I just remembered I was supposed to be making laundry soap this morning :(