Amazing Coincidence? No, Amazing Grace

Let me tell you a story about The Three Books.


When I was called as Primary President in March of 2011, I sought out a blank book that Matthew had on the shelf and requested permission to claim it as my own to use as a journal. Many months later a blessing was given with counsel to write in my journal daily during this year of fire as it would be necessary for my posterity's sake. Although I have not been exact in my daily requirement, I have kept it up regularly.

From July 26, 2011:

I had a thought/picture this morning of my writing to the future generations who will read this account. I was thinking more about the blessing I received. In it, I was counseled to keep a daily record - the good and hard times - because it will serve a great purpose for those who come after me. I thought of the Book of Mormon and the counsel given to keep a record and the manifestations of the Spirit. I wondered if some of the 'knowings' and 'dealings' came from Priesthood blessings such as my own.

As I remember that this record is to be of value to my posterity, I begin to see Nephi's feelings more fully. He would not fill his journal with the mundane things but of those things that are of most value - the things of the Spirit and their relationship with God. What will my posterity gain from this record? What is it that would help them the most? I believe the promptings & inspirations are of great value, but perhaps my faith and testimony in the everyday life is of worth as well. I shall have to ponder this further and find out if the Lord needs me to record specific things....

I was thinking more about scripture comparisons. From the beginning I have thought of Nephi and felt like he did. Matthew compared himself to Abraham. Both men experienced a trial of faith, but the elements were different. I see them both.

Monday, December 12 I was sitting at my computer when I heard a large vehicle on our street. Soon I heard a shuffling sound and the doorbell ring. I was surprised to discover a bunch of wrapped packages waiting for us along with a note from The Happy Elves. On the back was a calendar with the dates leading up to Christmas circled. I wondered if this was the first of many visits from the Happy Elves. Amongst the presents for the boys was one for me. The paper had torn a bit and a soft blanket peeked at me.

From Friday, Dec 16, 2011 (the last page of my journal)

This morning my scripture reading paralleled my life again. I had asked myself what kind of journal I should keep. This is Nephi's answer in 1 Nephi 6:3-6 : "the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world; ... not occupy these plates with things which are not of worth unto the children of men; .. I write the things of God."

Sunday, December 18, 2011
Gifts

My heart is full today as I reflect on the blessings I've been showered with. It has been a tough week filled with wonderful things that also carried a lot of stress in it. I've also filled my journal so I'm feeling at a loss as to where to write.

Thurs, December 22 Mom called asking if she could borrow the boys from me. I was so glad to hear this question because I had just been contemplating how I was going to get to the store to finish my Christmas shopping for them. I wondered if she wanted to take them shopping for me, so I told the boys that just in case anyone wanted to know, what I really wanted for Christmas was a new journal. Jared suggested a new spiral notebook, but I told him I didn't want one like that. I reminded him what my journal looked like so he could understand what kind I wanted. He understood. That night he told me he found a new spiral on his desk I could use. He showed it to me and I let him know that it actually belonged to him to be used as a journal. That very night he opened it up and wrote in it. His first entry: "I am happy."

Sunday, December 25, 2011 (5 am)
Longing.....

I am missing my journal these days :( I filled it last week and have so much to add, but have neglected writing here too. Last night I got on the computer with the intent of writing and went back to bed before I remembered that had been my intent :/

Around 9:30 am our final gift was discovered along with this note:

We hope you have enjoyed your Twelve Days of Christmas.

The Lord testified in many hearts independently this Christmas season, that Sister ... was deserving of blessings because of her faithfulness.

'Yeah, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.' (D&C 8:2)

Many returns for your faithful service to your sisters and unyielding prayers for the children of the ward.

'And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.' (Moses 7:18)

And let that which belongs to this people be appointed unto this people. And the money which is left unto this people - let there be an agent appointed unto this people, to take the money to provide food and raiment, according to the wants of this people. And let every man deal honestly, and be alike among this people, and receive alike, that ye may be one, even as I have commanded you. (D&C 51:7-9)

This is not the result of our observations about your financial needs. It is a gift to you from the Lord.

And I said unto them, that it should be granted unto them according to their faith in their prayers. (D&C 10:47)

Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and, if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.

'Therefore this is thy gift; apply it unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall deliver you...' (D&C 8:4)

Sunday, December 25, 2011 (about 5:30 am)

I talked to a Known Elf [Friday] about the 12 days of Christmas. She said that the most she can say is that I am very loved. I feel that way and am humbled by the generosity of each of these families who gave so much to us. So many times I thought how nice something would be and then it would appear as a gift. How can that be unless there are those who are in tune with the Spirit because He knows the desires of my heart?

Christmas presents seem so much more important and exciting to children so I always let them go for it and not worry about opening mine. However, my children have such good hearts and remembered my presents and encouraged me to open mine before all of theirs were even done.
Since I'd already seen the blanket peeking from the wrapping, I left it for last. I had no clue that that first gift that I had saved for last would contain my most treasured possession.
Tucked inside the blanket was a beautiful new journal. Tears poured down my cheeks as I felt Heavenly Father's love for me. Before I'd even asked for a new journal, one was waiting for me under the tree. This is Book Two. This simple book feels so sacred to me because it represents a loving Father who anticipates our needs and the faithfulness of others who follow the promptings of the Spirit. How could I fill its pages with anything but "the things of God?"


Book Three arrived in the form of a gift from the boys. Mom had indeed taken the boys shopping for me. They were able to relay my desire for a new journal and now another wonderful book waiting for words is in my possession. I am thankful for my loving family and their desire to fill my needs as well.


To the Happy Elves, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Words cannot adequately express my love and appreciation for you and the sacrifices your families have made on our behalf.

Longing.....

I am missing my journal these days :( I filled it last week and have so much to add, but have neglected writing here too. Last night I got on the computer with the intent of writing and went back to bed before I remembered that had my intent :/

It is 5 am and I am finally done with Christmas preparations. I have been going to sleep snuggling with the boys and waking up between midnight and 1 am then being awake for several hours. Tonight I told the boys that if they want Christmas to be ready then they'd have to go to bed themselves. They really wanted to do that, but I realized that I was too tired to do anything anyway so I went ahead and snuggled with them. It was a little after midnight when I got up. I gathered everything and just felt overwhelmed.

I thought of all the little things that Matthew does for Christmas for the boys and it just made me miss him. We've been so blessed by the generosity of others that I felt like we have too much so I sat there wondering what to do about giving it all to the boys. I finally decided I needed to pray and get some focus. I felt better and was able to go back to work.

This week felt like it was so long and then all of a sudden it was over. I've been trying to get everything done. Today we made the candy airplane ornaments and were able to deliver them this evening. It was wonderful to see the joy in their faces - especially the lonely ones. We were invited in, but declined every time. The boys called me selfish because they wanted to go in (especially to the first one even though they had no idea who he was. I should have accepted his offer because I am sure he could have used the company). We were going to do gingerbread (graham cracker) houses tonight but it just got to be too late. So hopefully we can do it tomorrow at Mom's and invite Mike and Tran (Drun) to make some too.

I talked to Julie yesterday about the 12 days of Christmas. She told me that it was not who I thought it was who organized it. She said that the most she can say is that I am very loved. I feel that way and am humbled by the generosity of each of these families who gave so much to us. So many times I thought how nice something would be and then it would appear as a gift. How can that be unless there are those who are in tune with the Spirit because He knows the desires of my heart. Today with the gift I got a typed letter regarding this 'project'. Here are the words:

We hope you have enjoyed your Twelve Days of Christmas.

The Lord testified in many hearts independently this Christmas season, that Sister Valerie Baugh was deserving of blessings because of her faithfulness.

'Yeah, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.' (D&C 8:2)

Many returns for your faithful service to your sisters and unyielding prayers for the children of the ward.

'And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them.' (Moses 7:18)

And let that which belongs to this people be appointed unto this people. And the money which is left unto this people - let there be an agent appointed unto this people, to take the money to provide food and raiment, according to the wants of this people. And let every man deal honestly, and be alike among this people, and receive alike, that ye may be one, even as I have commanded you. (D&C 51:7-9)

This is not the result of our observations about your financial needs. It is a gift to you from the Lord.

And I said unto them, that it should be granted unto them according to their faith in their prayers. (D&C 10:47)

Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and, if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.

'Therefore this is thy gift; apply it unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall deliver you...' (D&C 8:4)

Gifts

My heart is full today as I reflect on the blessings I've been showered with. It has been a tough week filled with wonderful things that also carried a lot of stress in it. I've also filled my journal so I'm feeling at a loss as to where to write.

The night of the 12th we had a large package drop-off full of Christmas presents for our family and a note that it came from the Happy Elves. On the back was a calendar with dates circled leading up to Christmas and the note 12 days of Christmas. I wondered if that meant that someone was going to treat us to the 12 days of Christmas = gifts of some sort every day. I wasn't going to count on it, or expect it, but sure enough every day but Saturday night we've had SOMETHING. We have been really blessed. We've received a lot of food and presents for the boys and some money for me to use at Home Depot and then today at HEB. One night the Blacks left something and that was the night no anonymous gifts were left, so I wondered if there was some coordinating going on. Jared and Aaron wondered and wondered who could be leaving stuff for us. They wanted to wait up and catch the deliverers, but I reminded them that we don't want to get caught when doing our heart attacks so they wouldn't either. Well, today the cat was let out of the bag a bit. One of the elves asked me if I'd be home and apologized that she missed her day. In that moment I knew that indeed there was some coordination going on and I suspect SW is behind it, but I will never ask (even though I really want to know). I have my suspicions about who filled our porch with food. My biggest question really is how they managed to pull this off without me finding out? And when did they decide to do this?

I had Jared make a list of all the people we've heart attacked and crossed off the ones who I knew for sure would not participate in a reciprocation. Interestingly enough, the remainder is 12. Talk about karma. I started the heart attacks because every day when I come home I wonder and wish that there was something waiting for me on the porch and it's always a disappointment to return to nothing. I decided to do something about it for other people not expecting anything in return and yet here we are months later receiving something on our porch every day. The Lord loves me and knows my heart.

Today after church Jared was sorting through the presents under the tree and asked what the big bucket of laundry soap was. When I told him, he thought that was a silly present and wondered who would want laundry soap. I told him I would. We're almost out and we needed it. Jared is becoming more and more aware of our lack and is labeling us poor. He again brought it up as we discussed the laundry soap, but I corrected him and told him we are not poor. We are very blessed and our needs are met which means we are rich. I tried to stress to him that the Lord is taking care of us and to be grateful for those blessings. He had an ah-ha moment that I hope will stick with him.

The capstone of my week was today's demands between ward council, music practice, teaching sharing time, and having stuff ready for teachers for the new year. It was really quite overwhelming, but I did the best I could and the Lord made up the rest. Sharing time was amazing. The Spirit was so strong and both groups were captivated and participated. I especially enjoyed SR primary because we had some good discussion and geniune learning going on. Those are the moments that I treasure.

We did our Christmas presentation in Sacrament mtg which meant a lot of demands for my piano playing. I agreed to do all the hymns because it isn't really that big of a deal, but as I sat at the piano beforehand wondering how I was going to manage ALL that music I wished I'd declined and let Sis. Andrew take care of the hymns but it turned out just fine. My biggest worry was the music for O Holy Night. I practiced for awhile after playing with Kelly yesterday but today I was not in the zone and was messing up quite a bit when we ran through it. I ran out of time for going over it again though and had to just accept that it was what it was and prayed for help. It was not perfect, but it was pretty darn close. For the first time that I can remember, when the Spirit and music moved me I didn't get so shaky and nervous that I began messing up. I maintained it and that was such a great feeling. It was a privilege to be apart of something so wonderful. I love Christmas programs because the music is always amazing and inspiring. I am so grateful for the talent and gift of playing the piano.

Why covet but the drop?

"Let them repent of all their sins, and of all their covetous desires, before me, saith the Lord; for what is property unto me? saith the Lord.
For have I not the fowls of heaven, and also the fish of the sea, and the beasts of the mountains? Have I not made the earth? Do I not hold the destinies of all the armies of the nations of the earth?
Therefore, will I not make solitary places to bud and to blossom, and to bring forth in abundance? saith the Lord.
Is there not room enough on the mountains of Adam-ondi-Ahman, and on the plains of Olaha Shinehah, or the land where Adam dwelt, that you should covet that which is but the drop, and neglect the more weighty matters?
Therefore, come up hither unto the land of my people, even Zion.
Let my servant... be faithful over a few things, and he shall be a ruler over many."

~D&C 117:4-10

Buried Alive

*sigh* The house is such a heavy burden. Every day I watch the cracks in the wall and the tile get bigger, but I feel absolutely helpless. We have no money to do anything about it. I finally hooked the hose back up so that at least the leak would keep the soil wet enough that hoepfully it'll stall some of the damage, but I'm afraid it is too late.

Sharon and Julie know how bad the house is and how much work it will take just to detox the inside. Sharon did a walk through with me last week. I felt so overwhelmed I completely shut down on Monday when I had the time to do something about it. I understand L in her plight when she left San Antonio. You need help but it is too embarassing and overwhelming to do anything about it until it is easier just to walk away.

I need to start in the cave because that can become a storage are while we go through the rest of the house. I haven't really been in there since we left for NJ, so I decided if nothing else, I needed to at least go in and LOOK at it and get a feel for what to do. Oh it just sucks every ounce of energy out of me. I want to call Sharon and Julie, but it is embarassing and OUR mess, not theirs. How do I choose what to keep or throw? And what do I do with Bob's stuff?

Tender Mercies

Today the boys and I went to Sun Harvest. We've been listening to Peter and the Starcatchers and were at the very end of the story when we arrived at the store. I also desperately needed to charge my phone because I couldn't find the charger Mon or Tues. So, we sat in the parking lot with my phone charging via the inverter and listening to the book with the car set on acc power. Apparently this was a bad idea because when I went to start the car after our shopping trip, the battery was dead. I happened to be on the phone with Matthew at the time. I told him that I'd probably call Dad and he suggested seeing if someone in the parking lot could help me. I thought of all the times I'd stopped to help people jump their car and thought about saying a prayer for assistance. Seconds later an employee walked up to my window and asked if everything was ok. I told him that my battery was dead and that I need a jump. He said ok and went to get his truck. Right after he walked off, the car next to me pulled out and moments later he was pulling it. It took maybe 5 minutes and we were good to go. Jared said that he wondered/thinks that the Lord sent him to help us. I told him that absolutely he did. So, we said a prayer of grattitude.

This evening Bro. Hoffmann called regarding the primary attendance statistics. Right as I was getting ready to hang up I heard him call my name like he had a question for me, so I stopped and responded to him. He asked me if there was anything that needed done around the house. I thought of asking him to mow the lawn because it really needs it and the lawn mower quit the last time I did it. I told him that we were good for now because we're still settling in from being gone. He again offered his help and asked that I let him know if I need anything while Matthew was gone because he wants to help.

I can't help but feel the Lord's love and blessings - the bubble of protection that comes from being faithful. This is going to be an amazing year.

***********

Matthew told me today that he feels drawn to applying at Six Flags - which he doesn't really want to do, so he recognized it is the right thing to do! lol One of his concerns was the weekend schedule, but upon further inspection he doesn't think he'll have to worry about it. I believe he is going to go ahead and finish the application. We'll see what happens :)

Ah-Ha! Job jars

Remember this? Well, last year we took it a step further and blended our points system with the school's color code discipline system and created a flexible reward/punishment program. This has been a great tool in our family dynamics and the boys - especially Jared - respond really well to it. The established system hasn't changed much since it's implementation, but the way to earn points has evolved a bit. Today we had a major breakthrough.

The boys could earn points for be ready for the day by a certain time, answering questions correctly while reading scriptures, being reverent, and doing whatever else we may decide to offer points for. Sometime in the last 6 months Matthew created a job chart and every day we each had a job/chore we had to accomplish. If that assigned chore was done, 5 points would be awarded. For second and third chores, even more points would be acquired. There are a few chores that are accomplished regularly, but most of them are not.

With Matthew gone, I've known I needed to step up and be more quick to act otherwise this is going to be a nightmare year. I'm much harder on the boys and willing to take away their points. When Matthew went to NJ in May for 4 days, the boys spent just about every day on red (no privileges and no chance to earn them back for that day). It was pretty miserable - but I did get a lot of work out of them :). I've drawn on that experience to remind the boys to be obedient, and it has worked. I'm really quick to take away points, but unfortunately often forget to award points so there is little chance to earn their way off of the negative colors. Today Jared was on orange and I wanted to show him something on the tv, but realized he had no privileges so I couldn't. We needed a win-win for earning points. In this moment, inspiration struck.

This weekend when I was at B&J's, I read a clipping from a blog post about job jars. Basically you write down chores to do on index cards or popsicle sticks along with the amount of money earned for accomplishing it. They were using change (3 cents, 25 cents, etc). The rules were that in order to be paid, the job had to be done to mom (or dad)'s satisfaction. The job drawn had to be completed before another job could be picked.

Well, I don't have money to hand out, but I do have points!! So, I presented the idea to Jared (and Aaron). Jared was so excited about it!! I tasked him with thinking of jobs we could write down and he spent about 15 min drawing pictures of work that could be done. His ideas were cleaning the sink, the turtle tank, and cleaning his room. We've tweaked it for us, but the same rules apply.

We (because the boys helped too) used popsicle sticks for our job jar. We made sticks for all the morning and evening jobs: praying, brushing teeth, getting dressed, making beds, etc. We colored the morning jobs yellow and the night jobs blue, and then the sides of the sticks are color coordinated to match their point peg. In the morning (or at night) they can draw which of their routine jobs to do first and will earn 1 point for each job accomplished. Once a tast is completed, they turn the stick over. Points can be earned immediately (thus overcoming an orange or red color before the end of the day).

Each of the boys has a daily routine jar, and then there's a big jar filled with the other assignments. The jobs range from 'cleaning the bathroom sink' to 'jumping to the count of 10'. I threw in a 'read for 10 minutes' and 'write your name 5 times' as well. I broke down cleaning the bedroom to more specific tasks like: put away all the books and throw away the trash. Each task is assigned a point value ranging from 1 - 5 points. I even included two Riley Challenge sticks from Flylady because there will be tasks that she could think of that I would never have. Every time Jared drew a stick tonight he was saying, 'I hope it's not a Riley Challenge' lol

It was amazing to watch the boys tonight. Aaron didn't get as into it as Jared did, but he was still excited about finding out what his job was. Jared did 5 or 6 tasks. He would have done more, but we ran out of time. He ended up cleaning the toilet, reading for 10 minutes, writing his name (he has to use the dry erase board with the lines to practice good letter sizing - in the future he has to do first and last name), wiping up all the dirt spots on the floor (lucky him the floor had been mopped recently), helping with the dishes (again he lucked out b/c there weren't very many), putting away the books (which requires actually putting the books on the shelf the way they belong which was quite the task today) AND he took out the trash (which was his chore for the day). He even put away all the blocks he had pulled out - without complaining and without earning points!!! It was so impressive. He moved so quickly through his bedtime chores and everything. He went to bed happy.

Aaron picked out sweep the bathroom floor (which it desperately needed! YAY!)

It would be naive of me to think that this will happen every day, but for today it worked wonders.

Literally today was one of the best days we've had in a long time. The boys loved helped making their sticks, they got to play, cleaned up without arguing.... Aaron asked to help me with the food I was working on, we had dinner on the table by 6:30, we read scriptures, and the boys were in bed by 7:45 pm without a word (because I threatened they'd go down a color - and Jared worked VERY hard to earn his white). Absolutely incredible.

Oh, and I made a job jar for me too. I put some of the deep cleaning jobs that I often neglect as well as tasks that I want to get done but sometimes end up going undone because I start turning in circles not knowing where to start. This will give me some direction/structure. I also put in there to call one of my VT sisters (one for each of them), practicing piano, writing in my journal - I ought to add some exercise ones.

Hopefully with all of us working through these job jar tasks, our home will be a much more pleasant place to be :)

New Chapter - putting one foot in front of the other.

We should be on the road to Raleigh already, but I'm the only one up and I'm not in a hurry to leave thought we ought to be.

I have such mixed feelings right now. I'm anxious, nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. I think we'll be fine once we're home because the busy-ness will start, but I'm scared of getting lost along the way. I love what I've seen of NJ. In some ways I think it would have been easier to just move together, but I know Matthew needs to do this on his own.

We were shocked on Sunday to see how large the 2nd ward is. Matthew left wondering why the Lord could possibly need him here when there are already so many people here. It is quite the international ward, and I wonder if his European experience has anything to do with it, but I also feel like Matthew needs these people. Last night we talked to the boys one last time about Matthew staying here and us going back home. Aaron didn't like that idea at all. Jared was so sweet. He was asking if Matthew had anyone here to be his friend that he could talk to when he was feeling sad and lonely. The answer of course was no, and I told Jared that we should pray that daddy will find some good friends here. It was really insightful of Jared.

Two days before we left for NJ, Matthew got an email saying his job offer was withdrawn. We decided to continue moving forward anyway. As we did our budget meeting Sunday night, we realized we are at the end of our rope. The Lord has never left us hanging though and I don't believe He will this time either. This is all just part of the adventure.

I need to get out the door - it's 9:30 and we have an 8 hour drive ahead of us.

Two down, one to go

Well, I survived the recital and the FL trip. Now to get a start date and prepare for NJ.

Recital: went well. We did boomwhackers for an opening number and then did the rhythm boomwhackers to end it. Subway is definitely a better choice than pizza - it was devoured and could have used more. Everyone did well, though I don't think anyone (including myself) played it without making mistakes.

The day itself was really crazy. Funny how I'd forgotten that, but it was. I dropped the van off at the dealership in the morning to get the warranty work done on it. The day before the ABS and check engine lights came on, so I had them check those out as well. Turns out that took a LONG time to take care of. We ended up needing to replace a few sensors, but one of the parts wasn't in stock. I was hoping the van would be ready to pickup before I had to be at the church for the recital, but it wasn't. And to top it off, my phone was on its last of the battery juice so it was hard to coordinate as a result. I left all the recital refreshments in the back of the van thinking I'd have it back by then. Mom ended up stopping by and retrieving it for me. I sent Dorian to get the Subway (cost $15 more than I thought it would) then after the recital we had to do all this car hopping to get the van and the truck home - while I was also treated to dinner for my birthday. It was craziness, but it all worked out thanks to fantastic friends and family. Julie was awesome for calling and offering to do whatever needed to be done to make my day better. She ended up taking Aaron and Jared for the day and she brought refreshments for the recital. So did almost everyone els, so there was a ton of food.

We went to Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. I tell ya, it is my friends that make my day special. I didn't think I cared, but when I got ice cream with a candle to blow out from the restaurant I got a little teary eyed at having the opportunity to make a wish and blow out a candle. I need to learn the lesson to not order a salad for my birthday dinner though. Two years in a row I've done that and been disappointed. I did however really enjoy my chocolate coconut cheesecake - tasted like a magic bar and sometimes like an Idaho Spud. Good stuff. Julie surprised me with a new outfit and Melissa got me a blouse too. Makes me feel like such a bad friend that I don't do more for them. It was really nice of them. Matthew got me the webcam I wanted :D

Florida - was crazy. Lots of wasted time, but it was still fun. I went indoor skydiving at IFly. It was awesome.

Happy Birthday to Me

Facebook certainly has brought my birthdays to the forefront of my mind. It was shocking to open my email and facebook this morning to an overflowing of posts. Once I remembered it was my birthday I was like, oh yeah. Most people give the token 'happy birthday' (which I am guilty of as well), but the few heart-felt posts are really touching.

I think it is the stress of all the chaos and planning of trips and reality of Matthew being gone that is setting me so emotional. I feel so distant from everyone and emotions are on the edge. Today especially I have felt 'tipsy' with tears. I feel like I'm on the brink - disengaging myself from everyone. I need companionship, but at the same time I don't want anyone very close for fear of exposing what may lie beneath 'the smiling eyes'.

There's so much to do, yet I feel like nothing is getting done. Spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Still no start date. Matthew may have to be in NJ this weekend for drill. May not make it in to FL Monday. Need to transfer the reservations to Mom and Dad's name. Need to make a baby carrier, fix the van, do laundry, pack, fill totes, clean house, prepare for the piano recital, find someone to feed the fish and tomatoes....

Getting nervous

Well... temp dropped though it is still within range, seeing brown sticky cm and I'm at day 8 lp. This could be it. It's hard to tell these days b/c I've been mimicking pgcy during my 2 WW for a few months now. We'll find out by the end of the week.

Paper pushing

After waiting a week with no news about Matthew's start date, we decided he ought to go to NJ to see if he can't get his transfer papers signed in person. Thanks to Dad's awesome connections, he flew out last night after subbing and arrived in Philadelphia at 1:15 am. He spent the night in the USO at the airport, picked up his rental car this morning and made some progress.

It turns out that the person in the unit who requested the position to be filled had no idea that he was selected. They've done the reoranization in that unit like they did here, so that is where a lot of the confusion is coming in. They are excited that he will be the UA, but if he is "downstairs" with all the other admins, he won't have to transfer to their unit. He can attend any unit he wants, otherwise he'll need to be officially transferred there. So, the people that are in charge there are trying to get that all sorted so he can get the paperwork finished. They want him to start ASAP.

Matthew was also able to do some networking regarding housing. The apartments next to the unit are no good, but he has some good leads after talking to the Bishop and Ward Mission Leader tonight (of the 2nd ward.) Apparently he ended up having to play the piano for a baptism tonight! lol They've recommended the apartments the missionaries are in :) I felt really good about those when he mentioned them. He has an appointment tomorrow to look at another apt and he'll add the missionaries' to the list.

By 11 am we both knew that it was worth the expensive of this little trip up north. YAY!

In regards to my previous post, I told Matthew what happened on Mother's Day. He doesn't like the idea of me being pg while he is gone either. I think our odds are pretty good though. My body seems to have decided to work exceptionally well so far this cycle with a perfect looking chart. We'll see how long my LP is though. I'm already on day 3.

She is coming

For Mother's Day Sharon and I got to sing a song together called Mother's Knee or something like that. It is a Janice Kapp Perry song that just makes you want to bawl lol Funny back story - in January Sis. Andrew asked me to play the piano in sacrament mtg for her while she attended to her stake duties. She suggested that if I had a song I'd like to play, I could do that too. So, I searched for one and finally settled on Always by Lindy Kerby. I love it, but I was not able to have it performance ready in the short window I had. I decided what I'd really like to do is sing. I haven't been able to sing for such a long time. I told Sharon the situation and asked if she'd like to sing with me. She agreed, but I couldn't think of a song I wanted to do. Well, Lynette came back from her duties and a few weeks passed. I was gone when Lynette approached Sharon about doing a mother's day song together. Perfect! I told Lynette this week as we practiced the story, and she was so glad to know that she was inspired to pick us to sing this song together.

I was really nervous, but the performer in me (and heavenly help) pulled it off and it was beautiful. The song has two verses. The first verse asks if we've taught our sons enough about being a man, etc and the second one is about daughters. Then the chorus is about the importance of mothers. Well, as we were rehearsing yesterday morning, we were on the second verse and Sharon was singing her phrase about listening awhile when the thought came: 'She's coming.' In that moment I knew that our very own daughter will come to us soon.

I have been going back and forth about being pregnant while Matthew is gone for awhile now. I told him when I got called as Primary President that I was going to get pregnant, and he'd leave me like the last time. I dread the low energy and inhibition that pregnancy brings when there is so much I want to accomplish while Matthew is gone. I happened to be fasting yesterday morning, so when I came home from church to pray and end my fast, I recalled the feeling I had and told him my concerns but that in the end, my body is his and I will not deny a baby from coming to our family. Somehow we will be ok and our needs will be provided for. I did ask however that Matthew receive a confirmation as well. When I miscarried, I felt that we are meant to have a spring baby (around April) and June is the earliest to get pregnant for a spring baby. So, it is about the right time of year though still close to the winter months.

THREE!!!

Job offer number 3 came in today - Illinois. I suppose it was a matter of time before all the job applications made it through all the processing. With about 50 job application it makes sense that we'd hear back from at least one or two. It seems also that each one gets 'better and better' as far as location goes.

Matthew went to talked to Bro Jackson today, so now he is aware of the situation approaching. He also informed Rio, so as soon as he gets a start date he can put in his official 2 week notice so that he'll be re-hireable should the need or desire ever arise.

I don't think I can say enough how blessed we are!!

Good news!!

Last week Matthew was planning on working Wed-Friday, but by Thursday is was obviously he wasn't getting any sub jobs and he was suffering from major lethargy and allergies. I went to playgroup and we were talking about the lack of work happening in some of our homes. Just as I was saying Matthew needs a job, he called to tell me he got a job offer. YAY!!!!!!!!!!! In New Jersey. He said he told them he needed to talk to me first. I told him to call them back and accept it. Who would have guessed that 2 hours later he'd get another job offer from Kansas?!?! Two job offers in one day!! Of course he'd already accepted the NJ position so he had to turn down Kansas, but yay!! Our preferred location would have been Kansas, but I've thought it would be NJ all along.

Matthew has been wanting to visit his sister Robin and was feeling a great urgency about it. We were going back and forth about whether he should go over mother's day or the weekend following, but finally decided on the earlier. I guess it is a good thing too b/c they wanted him to start at the beginning of a pay cycle. The 8th is the first one for May (mother's day) or the 22nd (drill weekend). Since he is on vacation they assured him he could report for the second cycle. Perfect! He is relieved to not have to drill with this unit again.

We are working on getting all of our ducks in a row. Matthew is still working on paperwork. Today he received his official letter with the job offer. He'll go down and get fingerprinted tomorrow and get all of that paperwork taken care of. I think he got his security clearance request submitted today. By the time he gets home everything should be taken care of so that we can get an official start date. At the point I can be more vocal about the job b/c it is solid. We are so happy though!! This is definitely unexpected and merry-making.

Matthew told me that when he was 15 he'd decided he wanted to go to Princeton. Well, even if he doesn't actually go there, that's where he'll be living! We've decided he'll go on his own, and I'll stay here so we can continue to pay the mortgage. It is only a temporary assignment (one year). My feeling is that we have this year to get the house ready to go on the market and then we'll begin a moving career. Money will still be tight but I have no doubt our needs will be provided for. We have already been blessed so much.

The public transportation system is pretty good and there are an abundance of walking and biking trails, so there doesn't appear to be an immediate need for his own vehicle. He's found several apts or other rentals that are furnished and include utilities. There is even a housing option within walking distance to the church and he can commute to work (apparently there are a lot of bad neighborhoods in Trenton). He plans on calling the Bishop tomorrow to see what kind of information he can gather about housing and such. He may even be able to commute with another member.

We bought him a new laptop to take so that we can skype. Now i need a camera so we can both have video feed. We skyped mom and dad tonight to give the boys some practice. They loved it :)

It is hard to wrap my mind around the reality of Matthew being gone, but I don't really have any fears about it either. I know it will be ok. And New Jersey is alot better than Afghanistan. Although, yesterday Osama bin Laden was killed, so I'm not sure how that will effect deployments and such. History tells us that someone else will arise in his stead. Sometimes even more viscious than the original, so we'll see.

Today was pre-K roundup, so I registered Aaron for school. I am not convinced it is the right thing, but we'll see. His tonsils are getting so much better according to the doctor today. yay!

So many reasons to rejoice! :D

Some things change by not changing.

Changes were definitely in the works, but it wasn't quite what we were expecting. Matthew had his last day of active duty time Friday and with it came an evaulation from a 'grumpy' supervisor. A couple of comments were made on it that ultimately tell anyone reading it to not promote him. Matthew was so angry and frustrated that he's decided to transfer to a unit in the building that is deploying. I told him I would support him as long as he prayed about it. I would support him if the Lord said it was good. So, yesterday we both fasted about it. Before Matthew even finished his question the Lord told him he knew what he should do. Matthew's position is that it just makes sense in so many way, but he was going to wait until the end of his fast and ask again. The further response he got was that it did indeed make sense, but be prepared for something unexpected. Who knows what that means, but it is exactly the kind of answer Matthew needs because he doesn't like surprises and the Lord agreed his logic was sound.

A few weeks ago he got an email from the New Jersey unit asking if he was still interested in the position there. It is the closest lead we've gotten as far as jobs go. Who knows - maybe that will work out. We'll see.

So, this morning Matthew is headed back to the Reserve Center to find out as much information as he can regarding this deployment. I don't like the idea of him deploying to Kuwait, but if it is the best thing than it is the right thing.

I suppose Matthew's work situation really isn't a change. It's more of the same with different variables, but my responsibilities were tweaked. It was I who was called as the Primary President. Matthew knew right away what it was, but I was in denial. I think often of my first Primary Presidency with great fondness and nastolgia. But, I have a fantastic presidency. I am surrounded by incredible women who are right for these children right now.

Last night Jared was telling me a conversation with one of the other Primary kids at school. She'd asked if I was still the pianist or the president. Jared told her I was the president. I asked him if he liked me being the president, and he said he did. I've used Matthew as a sub every week he's been available since we've been in lol Jared seemed happy that we've been there as a whole family.

Yesterday was Easter, so we dyed eggs and had our annual hunt. We had the boys hide in their room while Matthew hid Jared's in the white room and I hid Aaron's in the white room. They took turns finding their eggs. Whatever they couldn't find in 3 minutes went into hot/cold game mode. After all the eggs were found, the boys hid our eggs in the blue room for us to find. It was a lot of fun :)

Changes

Matthew submitted his resume to about 24 job postings. Most of the Unit Administrator ones were denied being "well qualified" but 3 did go through: Ft. Mead, MD; Ft. Lewis, WA; Ardmore, OK. Of the three, we're voting for OK but really we'll take whatever we get.

I've found myself over the last weeks - possibly months - being critical/judgmental about some of the things in Primary. I've had to remind myself to reserve judgment. The last time I was that way I got called as the President. Actually, every time I end up as President. I've been feeling pretty cozy in my calling as pianist, but having 'what if' type musings too. Last night the Ex Sec called to schedule an appt with Matthew and me. I was in the middle of Sam's so I didn't quite catch how he phrased things. Matthew doesn't have a calling right now and I have three. This morning Matthew asked me how many and what callings I have now so he can know which one I'm getting released from. I laughed and made a prideful remark about the callings I hold being pretty secure. Well.... maybe not.

This morning they released the Primary Presidency without calling anyone to replace them. uh oh. This got my wheels turning and of course whenever a major change like that takes place everyone starts eyeing everyone else to figure out who will be the replacements. I don't think I'll be President because I'd expect to have been notified before the Presidency was released. Clemencia Chacon (one of the counselors in the Presidency) was talking with the now former Secretary about getting together to maintain their friendship despite not working together anymore. Clemencia asked Shelby if she knew it was going to happen, then she asked me if I was aware of it. In that question I had the idea that Clemencia would be the new President and asking me was the subtle way of finding out if I'd been talked to yet or not. We'll find out this evening......

I was wondering who would replace me as the pianist, then I thought of Matthew. heh heh heh

But who knows. Maybe it is him getting the calling.

Blah - crisis?

I am feeling so weepy and sad and frustrated and blah. We had a great week despite my fears about the stress of starting piano again this last week. Matthew and I went on a date Friday to rollerskate and yesterday we went as a family to Eisenhour park to walk the trails. All great stuff. After we got done 'hiking' I took a bathroom break and had quite the surprise waiting for me. I thought I had a few more days. My body is all wacked out right now. I had a 22 day cycle last time and this one was 25 with only an 8 day lp. I don't know what my body is doing. Plus I am not losing any weight. Today I am back to where I was two weeks ago. It is so frustrating.

For some reason this cycle I was starting to think about babies and pregnancy again and it made me a bit sad to be side-swiped with the beginning of a new one. I really don't want a winter baby, so this isn't the ideal time to be trying to get pg if I wanted to. The end of April or May would be the earliest I'd want to try, but I don't know how we'd afford a baby anyway. Matthew's active duty ends this week and then we're back to limbo. We'll lose our food stamps this week b/c we went over the income threshold at the end of Feb. The good news is that it is tax season and we will probably get quite the chunk so we can live off of it for a few months at least. I plan on starting another kids class as well as an adult theory class; and I started a new student this week. So, there's some extra income ready to come in too.

I'm having all kinds of other thoughts too, and I'm wondering if I am headed for a change (hopefully for the better). I feel like I'm wandering and need to find my way back home. I think this is what is keeping Matthew from being mobilized. I've come to realize that although I am home with the boys more, he is the stable steady teaching influence in our home. I am so grateful he is here. He is such a good father. I feel like I've checked out and am merely a body in the home fascilitating but not investing.

Sick

Because this is my blog and my thoughts, I can complain about this here, right? I don't think it's very funny to have cramps on top of an achey body from sickness. Seems like a cruel joke :p

Matthew had a flat tire on the way to work today, so I ended up taking him to work. He told me that Mr. A had sent an email up to division to find out what was going on with the mobilization. Late this afternoon I got an email from Matthew with a communication that they wanted to see his last 3 evaluations if he was still interested in the opportunity. Of course he sent them and apparently this is a good sign that they requested them. So, as I thought, the game isn't over yet.

Today Jared brought home a request to test him for the Gifted/Talented program. I'm really happy for him :) Matthew isn't sure it's a good idea, but I think it would be an opportunity to give him some better peers. The biggest challenge is the extra work that will result, but I think he ought to at least be given the opportunity to try. We'll see.

Today is the Day

Up to this point we haven't heard anything about the mobilization, so we've been in carefree limbo. But, this morning when I knelt to pray the thought 'It'll happen" came into my mind. So, I expect we'll get the orders today while Matthew is at work. The start date is Friday, so he'd have to be in place before then. I've prayed that whatever is best for our family is what will happen, so in that regard I know we'll be just fine. But, I'm still feeling anxious. Most of that is just the anticipation and waiting I think though. Matthew told me last night that we need to get all of our money deposited today so we can start fresh at least. I do have all of my piano checks still from last month so I do really need to get them in the bank.

Yesterday was the Stake Conference broadcast from Salt Lake. It was a great meeting. Elder Jensen, Sis. Dibb (Pres Monson's daughter), Elder Ballard and Pres Monson were the speakers. How cool is it to say that Pres Monson spoke at our Stake Conference?! I think Sis. Dibb's was the most memorable for me because she gave us an acronym to remember:

Pray
Read the Book of Mormon every day for 5 min
Obey
Smile. We can follow the prophet by smiling and being happy :) I liked that one.

I talked to Jared about her talk afterwards. He's decided that he's going to make the BOM as part of his required 15 min of reading for school. He started last night and was a bit frustrated by all the hard names, but he finally settled on Alma preaching in Ammonihah. He made it through the first two pages, but he did it!

I asked him if he thought I smiled/was happy enough. He said that I was happy sometimes, but I was usually unhappy. When questioned further, he said that it was because of their - his - behavior that made me unhappy. I worry about how he will grow up and what kind of relationship we will have. I worry that he is not getting enough positive attention. Elder Ballard commented that families should be a safe haven. That there should be love and security there. It is easy to love on Aaron because he readily accepts it, initiates it, craves it. Jared needs it, but fights it too. He wants to be snuggly, but he can be rough about it and fight it. I had the boys switch places and separated them, and cuddled Jared. I know he relished it. I need to find ways to do that more and to give him positive attention.

Thurs he got in trouble for stealing - which is something we've talked to him a lot about. Honesty was one of the topics yesterday, and I wonder what kind of example am I setting? What do I need to change in the way I speak and act so that Jared will be more honest too?

I need to be more of a do-er instead of a passive sitter.

opportunities?

I was thinking this morning about how much we need to document the things going on in our life, but I've been so bad about it. I think I will begin using this blog as a more consistent journal.

I'm not sure where to begin. The big vague summation is that our opportunities seem to be tied to a revolving door and every time we think we'll get to step out, the door closes and a new option opens.

Currently Matthew is on orders through the 4th. When he went on orders at the beginning of Jan, the plan was that he'd work through Feb 9th, then they'd try to get him funding through the end of the month. At that point they would support/fund him going to parallegal school. Well, when Matthew processed the soldier's paperwork who was supposed to be in the slot to kick him out, the guy called and they worked it out so that that soldier will fulfill his responsibilities and go to paralegal school. Well, that was disappointing, but it was going to be ok because there was nother opportunity opening that would provide for a career that M would be happy with.

There is a Unit Administrator position that we thought M would be able to get. Mr. A was originally the one doing the hiring for the position. As long as M's resume made it to his desk, he'd get the job. In order to ensure it made it through all the jumps in the computer system, Mr. A told him exactly what to say. M was even going to go to Tennesee for a week sometime this month to fill in as a UA for the unit he'd be going to. The job would go online in March. Well, Matthew came home yesterday and said that opportunity was most likely a bust. A UA unit is being created and Mr.A will no longer be the one doing the hiring which means his odds of being chosen are slim.

So, where does this leave us? Another lead. They've put in a request for 60 day orders, but there is also a mobilization opportunity. It would be a great stepping stone to be able to check off a lot of little boxes that M needs to further his opportunities for Federeal jobs. Here are the details. It's a 7 month mobilization to one of three places: Wisconsin, New Jersey, or South Carolina. The kicker - he'd report Feb 11th - next Friday!!! and the return date is Sept 30th. There are only 5 openings, so again the odds are slim but it is something. I am scared and nervous and hopeful all at the same time.

I know something good is waiting for us, and maybe it's all the blessings along the way. But we can't keep living on hopes. As nice as food stamps are, it isn't the way it should be nor the way we want it to be.