Lonely?

The other day I was thinking about whether or not our family was done and how I felt about that. As I pictured it just being Jared and Aaron getting older, it suprised me that the emotion that followed was loneliness. It felt incomplete I guess, but that really wasn't the word for it. I've been trying to figure out why it would make me feel lonely. I haven't come up with much, but I thought of other families that I know with only two children and even those with lots (4+) of children. Every family's needs are different.

I was going to type this post, but the boys came in and were talking to me. So, I shared this experience with Jared. At first I asked him if he ever felt lonely and he responded that he does when he wants to be with me. I've asked him before how he felt about having another sibling, and he told me was kind of bored with just having Aaron. He'd really like to have a little sister. So, I told him that I think the only way that is going to happen is if he pray for her and make her feel so wanted that she can't help but want to come and be part of our family. He said ok, but by tonight I think he forgot because it wasn't mentioned in his prayer (not really surprised hehe)

scratch that. Despite the great temps, it is another 7 day LP.

Balanced Blessings

Fall has arrived. The cooler weather seems to have brought some balance to my hormones, and for the first time in almost a year my temps have managed to stay pretty consistent. This is the time of year that I get pregnant, and I've wondered if it is because my body equalizes with the cooler weather. It is when I am the happiest (besides spring when the weather returns to this state of cool warmth).

Over the last few months I've watched my temps range all over the place and my LP shrink to a whopping 7 days. SEVEN days!! I've been brewing and coming to terms with the thought that my body is reverting to an infertile state and the odds of another pregnancy are slim. I've noticed over the last few cycles that I would get a sharp pain in both ovaries and within hours AF would arrive. It's an interesting 'tell' and a pretty accurate one at that. At first I wondered if the poking were implantation, but it has a different feel than the times I was pregnant so I've learned to pay attention to the subtle difference. Cramps have been odd at times too. When we were on vacation I cramped almost an entire week before AF came. It was very disconcerting trying to figure out what my body was doing. Emotions have been crazy. I've noticed that once I ovulate my mood changes drastically, and I'm much grumpier. It's like I'm PMSing the whole time.

So, this cycle has been different. My temps have been consistent. I don't know exactly what day I ovulated b/c I missed two days last week for the Chickfila campout, but my temp was up the day I started again. So, I am approaching that week mark. Last cycle I thought I might make it passed the seven days because though my temp had dropped on day 6, it went back up on day 7. So far my temp has beem really consistent at 98.2. Monday I felt a really sharp pain on the right side that lasted quite a few seconds, and then yesterday my temp went to 98.4. Today it was back at 98.2, and I've been off and on crampy with that pre-AF feel. I've had a strong gag reflext the last few days too. I'm trying to not over-analyze everything, but I'm wondering if it is possible that I'll need to find our baby seat that's gone missing.

Our October budget marked the end of our savings account. All money is allocated and spent. There is absolutely no way we could have afforded a baby this year. Money is just too tight. Well, I suppose if we didn't take our roadtrip our situation would be a little different, but I really believe that it was important and necessary for us to go. Last month I fasted for our financial situation and within days Matthew was directed by the Lord to visit Lee's office. Matthew went thinking that he would just talk to him about being a reference, but Lee surprised him with a request to apply as a supervisor. I felt that this was an answer to my fast, and Matthew proceeded with the application process. He updated his resume and also began scanning the JISD job postings. I felt the offer was sacred and didn't share it with anyone until the day the supervisor's voted on the applications, at which point I solicited prayers on our behalf. A week later we received word that another applicant was selected. It was very upsetting for Matthew, but he then began applying for a lot of clerical positions within the school district, as well as substituting, and teacher's aid positions. Last week while at Chickfila he received a call requesting an interview for two positions at Eloff Elem. Today he finalized the steps necessary to be a substitute teacher. He had an appt this morning to get finger printed, and once that was accomplished he took his paperwork back to the district office to await word about attending the orientation required. Matthew said that the person in charge was talking to him about the orientation being too full, then stopped mid-sentence and told him to go anyway. He said it was like another person took over. He got in without any problem, though it was indeed full. It will take a few days to process all the new subs, but by the end of next week Matthew has the potential to be working full-time as a substitute teacher.

I know the Lord's hand is in our lives. He knows our needs and is carefully watching over us. His timing is perfect.