Changes

Matthew submitted his resume to about 24 job postings. Most of the Unit Administrator ones were denied being "well qualified" but 3 did go through: Ft. Mead, MD; Ft. Lewis, WA; Ardmore, OK. Of the three, we're voting for OK but really we'll take whatever we get.

I've found myself over the last weeks - possibly months - being critical/judgmental about some of the things in Primary. I've had to remind myself to reserve judgment. The last time I was that way I got called as the President. Actually, every time I end up as President. I've been feeling pretty cozy in my calling as pianist, but having 'what if' type musings too. Last night the Ex Sec called to schedule an appt with Matthew and me. I was in the middle of Sam's so I didn't quite catch how he phrased things. Matthew doesn't have a calling right now and I have three. This morning Matthew asked me how many and what callings I have now so he can know which one I'm getting released from. I laughed and made a prideful remark about the callings I hold being pretty secure. Well.... maybe not.

This morning they released the Primary Presidency without calling anyone to replace them. uh oh. This got my wheels turning and of course whenever a major change like that takes place everyone starts eyeing everyone else to figure out who will be the replacements. I don't think I'll be President because I'd expect to have been notified before the Presidency was released. Clemencia Chacon (one of the counselors in the Presidency) was talking with the now former Secretary about getting together to maintain their friendship despite not working together anymore. Clemencia asked Shelby if she knew it was going to happen, then she asked me if I was aware of it. In that question I had the idea that Clemencia would be the new President and asking me was the subtle way of finding out if I'd been talked to yet or not. We'll find out this evening......

I was wondering who would replace me as the pianist, then I thought of Matthew. heh heh heh

But who knows. Maybe it is him getting the calling.

Blah - crisis?

I am feeling so weepy and sad and frustrated and blah. We had a great week despite my fears about the stress of starting piano again this last week. Matthew and I went on a date Friday to rollerskate and yesterday we went as a family to Eisenhour park to walk the trails. All great stuff. After we got done 'hiking' I took a bathroom break and had quite the surprise waiting for me. I thought I had a few more days. My body is all wacked out right now. I had a 22 day cycle last time and this one was 25 with only an 8 day lp. I don't know what my body is doing. Plus I am not losing any weight. Today I am back to where I was two weeks ago. It is so frustrating.

For some reason this cycle I was starting to think about babies and pregnancy again and it made me a bit sad to be side-swiped with the beginning of a new one. I really don't want a winter baby, so this isn't the ideal time to be trying to get pg if I wanted to. The end of April or May would be the earliest I'd want to try, but I don't know how we'd afford a baby anyway. Matthew's active duty ends this week and then we're back to limbo. We'll lose our food stamps this week b/c we went over the income threshold at the end of Feb. The good news is that it is tax season and we will probably get quite the chunk so we can live off of it for a few months at least. I plan on starting another kids class as well as an adult theory class; and I started a new student this week. So, there's some extra income ready to come in too.

I'm having all kinds of other thoughts too, and I'm wondering if I am headed for a change (hopefully for the better). I feel like I'm wandering and need to find my way back home. I think this is what is keeping Matthew from being mobilized. I've come to realize that although I am home with the boys more, he is the stable steady teaching influence in our home. I am so grateful he is here. He is such a good father. I feel like I've checked out and am merely a body in the home fascilitating but not investing.