For Christmas I gave Aaron a book called I'm a Big Brother. We thought he would understand what that meant, but it went completely over both boys' heads. Aaron finally read the book yesterday and I prompted him with questions until Jared finally understood that I was pregnant. After several discussions, I realized that Aaron didn't understand b/c in his mind there is a dead baby in my belly from the last m/c. I told him that no, this is a new baby. His next question was, why aren't you fat? ha! I told him I'm getting there :) He had more questions for me, but the conversation got derailed and I figure it doesn't really matter for the time being anyway. The reality of it is still a long way off.

A couple of thoughts I've had though...

• Jared will be turning 18 when this baby turns 8. He could baptize him/her just before leaving on a mission. 
• If we have another one in 3 years, Aaron will be in the same position (turning 18 and preparing for a mission), and Jared will be just coming home.
• I had kind of wanted the baby to be born earlier in June than later, but then I realized that the later s/he is born, the longer I'll be able to enjoy the pool!
• I tried on my maternity clothes and was extremely disappointed. I had size 10 ones there for me b/c I had a goal that I had reached. I didn't maintain it though so now I don't have clothes that fit. Most of the clothes are either too big or too small. I sabotaged myself :/ I finally feel motivated to exercise and care about what I'm eating again.

I copied this from a msg I sent a friend back in March after I m/c. I wanted to remember it:

March 21, 2013

I had a miscarriage this weekend. I was 11 weeks but the fetus died the week I got back from TX at 8 weeks 3 days (when I noted in my blog that the bloat disappeared). We couldn't hear the heartbeat when I went to my first appointment so they thought it was too early and scheduled another appt two weeks later to try again. After an ultrasound we learned that it had died just a few days before that first appointment. 

People will say that a miscarriage is just cramping and bleeding, but it is legitimate labor and delivery with all the stages of a full term pregnancy. I don't remember my last miscarriage being as painful as this one, just shocked that it was all the stages of labor. I am still having cramping off and on but they are more like regular menstrual cramping which is annoying but not a big deal.

Emotionally I am at peace though I wonder how everything will play out. I thought this baby would go full term because Aaron randomly drew a picture of a baby in my arms at the beginning of January and insisted I was going to have a baby and then I ended up pregnant. The first time I miscarried the baby was due in July like both the boys, but I felt that our baby was meant to be a spring baby. This one would have been due the beginning of Oct so it wouldn't have been a spring baby either. Of course, 'spring' could be a symbolism of a point in our life too which I feel is approaching. Last mother's day I was singing in sacrament mtg with a friend about being a mother to a son and a daughter and felt the whisper that "She is coming". I want a daughter and felt a girl presence when I was pregnant with Aaron. I have hopes that we will yet have one more, but I am also concerned that I seem to only be able to get pregnant every 3 years. This cycle started 3 years to the day after my last miscarriage. I found this realization the most bitter. If I really can only get pg every 3 years, I will be 39 at my next opportunity. Not my ideal world, and even then there's no guarantee I won't m/c again. I hope for a miracle but leave it in the Lord's hands.

For the most part things have been better. Even after my appt and I heard the h/b, I still carried some worry. Matthew came back home one morning to check on me because he'd been worried about me. We discussed how different I am emotionally with this one and the burden of worry and fear that comes with having previous miscarriages. At the end of our discussion, he said that we made it through this first appt and heard the heartbeat. His fears were laid to rest. I don't know why, but hearing that from him allowed me to also set aside those fears and have hope. I still have emotional days and some where I don't feel like doing anything, but for the most part I have felt happier and in more control of myself.  I believe this ending will be a happy one. In fact, once we left that conversation, I began thinking of how to tell my family. I ended up making Mom and Dad a photo calendar for their Christmas gift. Everyone's anniversary and birthday are marked with a picture. For the baby's due date I put a sheep with a cutout head from a farm we visited as its picture :) Mom and Dad spread the news to all the family so I haven't even had to say a word except thanks for the congrats and answers to how I am feeling :D We tried to tell the boys with Christmas presents, but the subtlety went over their heads. I am ok with that though.

Words have power, and I know it is superstitious of me to feel this way, but I feel like saying it too soon is like blowing a candle out. With the exception of my third pregnancy, the knowledge of pregnancy felt almost sacred and wasn't to be verbalized. Even with the last pgcy, I felt like I shouldn't talk about it but Julie asked me point blank so I answered her, and I immediately felt/heard a 'whoosh' and the baby died days later. Like I said, I know it is superstitious, but it is what it is.

I have been thinking of ways to share the news on facebook with my friends, but I have also been trying to decide how long I will wait. I have my next appt in two weeks but it will be Feb before my first u/s. Because I haven't been doing a very good job eating right and exercising, my legs and butt are growing along with my belly. It won't be long before I am 'forced' into maternity clothes (which I finally pulled from storage this week). I don't know who long I'll be able to hide my girth.

It is an odd and exciting feeling to actually acknowledge this life inside me and plan for its arrival. Sometimes I think I may feel its movement, and I look forward to knowing and not doubting.

Yesterday was busy and I didn't take the opportunity to update. I had high hopes when she checked my uterus and gave me a look that I took to mean it's measuring the right size. Then it was time for the doppler. She reminded me that sometimes it takes awhile on the first appt. And it did. She rolled it over the left side with nothing, found my heartbeat from a vein in the middle, rolled to the right, rolled lower and caught a little heartbeat briefly. I sobbed. She had to move the doppler b/c I causing so much noise from the movement. I must have startled the little one b/c the next time she had to find 'him' again. (She kept referring to the baby as a him, and it feels right to say that but maybe b/c that has just been my experience.) "He" moved a couple of times, but we listened a good long while at the end. Sweet relief. My next appt is Jan 7. Yesterday I was 10 w 3 days.

I found I had a mental shift by the end of the day. I think I've been in a holding state mentally and emotionally. I refused to think about life inside of me until the moment when life was verified. For the first time I even thought of this pregnancy as being more than just being pregnant/a fetus - but a baby. I think the 'baby' moving around was part of the mental shift b/c for the first time I found myself wanting to stroke my belly and talk to the baby. 

I reread the lyrics to Be Still, My Soul (still makes me cry) and feel like it is the perfect song for this experience.

"All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I am so nervous and scared about my appt today. I am scared to face it alone. I have been praying for the strength to face whatever the outcome may be. I have been on the verge of tears since Matthew walked out the door a little bit ago, and finally went over the edge. Be Still, My Soul (hymn 124) started running through my mind and I decided to copy and paste the lyrics to my other blog post. I believe it is from the Lord and an answer to my fears. Every time I read them I cry. Real tears. Tears of relief? sadness? anxiety? unreleased energy? tentative joy....

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had the baby early. There was no labor and though I had a baby, I never saw it. Last night I dreamt that I was in the bathroom and when I wiped a huge blobby clot came out - the beginning of a miscarriage. I hope it is just my apprehension and not a premonition. One week to go to find out.

It was quite the emotional week. At the end of Thurs night's breakdown Matthew decided that he would be in charge of Jared when he got home from work. Friday got off earlier, rearranged his 'office' and created a desk space for Jared to do his homework. The result after school was amazing. Jared responded so well to the set up and program that Matthew put in to place. They organized all his assignments on separate post it notes, they alternated choosing an assignment, and had frequent breaks. There ended up being 10 post its. By the time we had dinner, 5 had been accomplished and not a word was said from me. Unfortunately he chose all the relatively easy ones which meant all the writing assignments were left for the actual weekend. Matthew had drill so Jared and I decided (well, mostly I did) that we would keep up this program and accomplish his HW while Matthew was at work so that when he got home it was free time. It took all day, but he did it. There were tears and a little bit of words exchanged, but it was done and there was rejoicing.

It is becoming more and more apparent that Jared and I are treading a line that will define our relationship for the rest of his growing years and it isn't pretty. I know he loves me, but I think there is also anger and resentment boiling under the surface. I don't react well to his ADHD and find his behavior quite frustrating. As a result, I am quick to lose my patience. Many times words come out harsher than they need to be. To Aaron as well.

This week especially I have felt a lot of anger and just want to yell and scream. I think a lot of it is hormones and stress over the outcome of this pregnancy. Last night I was having a lot of cramps and felt so nauseous that I thought for sure I'd lost the baby, but today I feel fine again so who knows. I've asked Matthew for a blessing. Several times I've thought about telling the boys - at least Jared - what is going on, but just can't quite bring myself to do it. On one hand I think it would be helpful, but on the other I don't want him especially to have to carry the burden of worry either. It is two weeks til my appointment. Come what may, I can make it two weeks, right?

Sometimes I make a mess of things. Sometimes is happening a lot lately. My throat is sore from screaming. Jared is downstairs bawling. I get so frustrated and Matthew cleans up the mess. It isn't fair to him or the boys. I am approaching 8 weeks and the worry/stress of whether I'll hear a heartbeat Dec 3rd is playing its toll I think.  And the boys have hit this streak lately that just infuriates me - a total lack of regard for authority. Jared is struggling too but instead of talking with him I yell and cut him off. I worry about our relationship as he grows. We are on a rocky road that will not end well if I don't get myself together.

Tiredness has overwhelmed me. For the most part I have fought it and taken snippets of naps when I absolutely need to, but today I have mostly slept the day away. I got up at 9ish, made the boys breakfast, then laid down about 11? and then didn't get up again until 1:15. I showered and could have gone right back down and slept the rest of the day. I am beginning to wonder if my iron levels are really low. I should probably start taking some vitamins.

Tues I am picking up an arms reach co-sleeper from freecycle. I have wanted one of those but they don't come cheap. I happened to be thinking about them again the other night as I wondered how we would set up for a baby, then lo and behold one shows up on freecycle so I decided to take it. I hope that we will have the opportunity to use it.

Matthew came home in the middle of the day yesterday for a break and in the process of our discussion, I told him I was pregnant. He was not surprised because a couple of days ago he was wondering if I was. I feel peace and am trusting everything to the Lord. I pray that I can endure well whatever the outcome may be.

Suspicions confirmed. Now to figure out when to tell Matthew and the boys. The boys have said things a couple of times in the last few weeks that make me go hmm. We found out last Monday nightnthat M's aunt has stage 4 cancer and that his gma broke her hip and was in the hospital getting surgery. The next morning I was going to tell the boys and Jared said, 'let me guess. You were going to have another baby but it died.' :( I think it affected him harder than I thought. Aaron has been talking about more babies too. Random things like hand-me-downs and doing things for the babies. I told him that maybe there'd be more. He'd need to pray for them to come. He asked why, and I answered that that would probably be the only way they came. And here I am with the possibility, at least, once again. I think I will ask Matthew for a blessing.

Last night I was so tired, but then once I was in bed i couldn't go to sleep. Finally it came, and then I got up to go potty at 3 and felt wide awake. I did the test then and waited until this morning to see the result. Aaron got up at 4 and was wide awake. I finally left him at 4:30 to go back to my own bed. It took a while to go back to sleep, but I did. And deep. It was hard to get up when my alarm went off at 6:15. Last night I was feeling pretty nauseous and then at 4 I was starving. I'm feeling a little sick again this morning. I don't know if this is good or bad to feel this way. I had my moments like this last time too.

It is day 29. I think I may have been correct after all. I thought *maybe* I'd lost the plug yesterday but I have been mostly dry since so perhaps not. I have been really tired the last couple of days but sleep patterns have been off. Tonight I am especially tired though it was a really long and stressful day. I had my morning smoothie at 9 am and then nothing until almost 4:30 p. I almost passed out. Thankfully I had an apple and cheese stick in my purse so I could have something in my system before driving home from church. Tonight Matthew shaved his head and the site of the hair in the toilet almost made me vomit. Depending on how many times I get up in the middle of the night, I plan on testing in the morning.

So many thoughts and blessings lately I should have accounted for. But, I haven't.

I realized with the post of a friend's son's bday wishes on FB (did you catch that?! :p) that my due date had passed. I had forgotten all about it. Not been in my mind at all. Occasionally it would come to mind and I would think wow, if I were pg I'd not be able to do this or something similar. I am not unhappy with my current state and the what could have been is not in my thoughts except in vague rare passings.

That being said, Matthew and I went to the temple Friday and the thought came that we'd have two more babies. It would be like we have two different sets of children with the age gap between the boys and any that come at this point. I do not feel it was inspiration, just a random thought. However, if it was inspiration I wanted to record it.

And on that note, my bbs are sore. I have had thoughts float through my mind that we would get pg either last month or this month. Very same kind of feelings/thoughts when I got pg with Aaron. The bb thing really has me curious b/c i don't think it is 'normal'. I need to check the calendar but I didn't think I was that far along in my cycle. Just checked the calendar. Yeah, way early for bbs to be sore. I'm only on like day 16. Very interesting.

pregnant?

I think I may be pregnant but trying to wait it out instead of use a third test in the last two weeks. I can't remember when my last period was to know where I am in the cycle. I feel crampy and my bbs are more tender but so far there is nothing.

The countdown is on for paralegal school and the end of the boys' school. Matthew is working every day but today, next Sunday and the day he leaves :/ I could be remembering wrong, but I think I have more anxiety about him going this time than last time. Perhaps because the hardness is more tangible with experience. Perhaps I feel more alone right now because my spiritual habits are seriously lacking. Perhaps because I don't have the network I had in San Antonio to fall back on. Perhaps all of the above. I am sure we will be just fine and it will work for our good, but I dread it at the same time.

I am going to say my period finally started for real. Monday or Tuesday I woke up with a lot of blood. My light miscarriage has been made up for. This is a pretty heavy period with a lot of clots. But hopefully when this is done my body will be ready for a fresh start. I just think it's weird the way last week I'd bleed and then not bleed all in the same day. I should have taken more accurate I - marked it on the calendar or something, but I despite thinking I should I never did.

My ear is doing better though it is not completely  healed. I am down to pain killers closer to every 5 - 6 hours. I think my teeth are going to be next. Aaron had a root canal done yesterday because the cavity was so bad. His gum was swollen with infection too :( He did amazing though. I am so proud of him.

I don't know what my body is doing. All the blood is gone (or at least seems to be) so either I had a really light and short period or my body is wacked.

My earache has effected my head now too and I spent most of the day in pain. Sometimes the attack would be so intense that I could feel it through my face almost to the point of numbness. I queried about it on facebook and the overall opinion is that this is not normal and need to be seen by a doctor again. I keep holding out hope that tomorrow will be better because I hate going to a dr only to find out that they can't do anything about it or there's nothing wrong :/ I guess if I have to pop pills in the morning I should move forward with seeing a dr.

Here's the ironic thing. The day or two after I miscarried I had shooting pains in this same ear/area and they went away after a couple of days. What are the odds that the ear pains would return around the same time as another bleeding episode?

I haven't done a good job of keeping track of the doings of my body passed the week mark of the miscarriage. I bled and cramped off and on for another week and then week 3 it was spotty. I kept thinking I was done and then surprise! I had a LOT of blood tinged mucus. It looked stretchy and fertile but I wasn't sure whether it was that or perhaps infection? I was relieved to go to the midwife that week (appt was April 4) and find out that everything looked good and healed, and she confirmed that it did look like fertile mucus and perhaps my body was trying to ovulate. Sure enough the mucus changed and went away for a few days so I anticipated my period arriving some time this week. Sunday night I had very mild cramping and a little bit of blood so I thought maybe that was it. But nope, nothing. Last night I went to the bathroom and was surprised to discover a "lot" of blood/clots in the toilet. No warning. I guess this is my period? Today the blood is more brown. I expect this is my period but it is also the final cleansing of my uterus.

Between this weirdness and an ear infection, I have not been very motivated to exercise. It is like contractions in my ear. As painful as the m/c was, I've been popping pills for my ear ache like crazy while I did nothing for the contractions.

It is almost 1 am and tomorrow promises to be a long day, but I have spent the last couple of hours reading the blog of a sister I visit teach who adopted a boy from Russia after 8 years of infertility. I loved reading her journey and feel a connection with her in some of our shared experiences. I ventured to check out some of the blogs on her blog roll and came across a woman who suffered 8 miscarriages - all with IVF. I cannot fathom the pain and heartache to endure that many failed hopes.

We have spent the weekend in Hershey, PA while Matthew is on orders for the week. The hotel has a pool that the boys have enjoyed swimming. Today an earache came on for me so I wasn't able to be in the water with them, but instead watched them play with Matthew and reflect on the times that I neglected them in the water and almost lost them though I was clueless. Almost every time that swimming is mentioned, the boys will bring up instances where they have almost drowned. I am so grateful for guardian angels who made sure that their lives were secure. I am a selfish mother in many regards. I love my boys but I could do better - be better.

I think I have forgotten what it is to yearn for children and to enjoy the privilege of having them in my home.

Hard to believe it has been a week already. For the most part I am doing well, but I am having cramping off and on. Sometimes it is really uncomfortable. Today especially.It has felt almost like I was in labor again. I talked to the midwife yesterday and she said there is probably some tissue my body is still trying to get rid of. I believe that, but I think my body is struggling to do it. I don't think I've had enough blood flow to purge my insides. That seems like an odd thing to say, but I think it is true. I have an appt with them on the 4th. She did ask if there was a bad smell, which there isn't at this point. I suppose if it gets to that then we'll know I am in trouble for sure.

I told Matthew that I could really use a blessing in the next few days and agreed. He had forgotten I'd asked.

While Matthew had the boys yesterday morning and most of the afternoon I enjoyed the quiet and did some laundry and began the task of 'the great clothing migration' for Aaron. I was just finishing up when they got home. I don't know if it was timing or the energy they came in with, but I felt zapped after that. I ended up on the couch and fell asleep. Jared asked me why I'd slept so much the last few days. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something like I've been tired and not feeling well.

I ended up having more cramping the rest of the day. It wasn't as painful as before delivery, but they were still pretty uncomfortable. I am sure it was just the afterbirth cramping for the uterus to shrink again but it was miserable. I ended up laying in bed most of the evening. Matthew ordered Papa Johns for us and we all ate on the bed together. Jared and Matthew played on the Wii and Aaron played on my computer til midnight while I crashed out. I was so worn out.

I did not want to get up this morning but with Stake Conference we couldn't sleep in very late either. I have felt pretty well today with just a little cramping off and on but I still feel pretty tired. I am more weepy today though. I was thinking this morning that unlike when you have a newborn, I'm not getting any of the oxytocin to counter the effects of labor and delivery. What a wild ride pregnancy is.

It is over.

Once I laid down at 2 am I had contractions pretty regularly for the rest of the night. At one point I thought about waking Matthew up to rub my back but I just let him sleep. I got up off and on to go potty, but around 5:30 I had a really strong contraction and Matthew asked in his semi-conscious asleep state if I needed to walk around to get my water to break. I told him no, but then I felt a small gush and made a dash to the bathroom and didn't leave again until almost 8.

About 6:15 I hit transition. I HATE transition. My ears were buzzing, I broke out into a sweat, I was afraid I'd puke or pass out. My arms were limp. oh man it is rough. Finally it passed and I expected to feel the pushing contractions or a gush or something but they didn't come. I tried pushing anyway to get some movement and got none. I even tried pushing on my uterus. I think around 7 I stood up to see if changing position would help, and when I sat back down I finally felt the descent but never felt it completely pass. I decided to wipe and see what would happen and that is how I discovered the flesh was there at the opening and was stuck. I tugged a bit and got a large flat piece of tissue. There was still more stuck there and no matter how hard I tried to push it on out, it wouldn't come. Eventually I took some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand and pulled the remaining tissue from my body. It was long and stringy, but definitely more flesh/tissue product. Most of the contractions had subsided by this point so once I was convinced it was pretty much over, I cleaned up and left the bathroom. I was hungry from the effort and cold from the sweat of transition so I grabbed a stick of string cheese and hurried to get under the blankets with Matthew. We talked a little bit and then I went back to sleep.

I didn't get to rest long before the boys were up and playing in my bed. I finally sent them away so I could sleep, but Matthew was in and out by then too preparing for a trek down to Ft Dix. I really wanted to go, but I also wanted to stay home. About 9:30 I felt another gush of liquid so I ran to the bathroom again though I grabbed clothes so I could shower after. Finally a large clot came and I was able to feel empty. I feel much better now that I have showered.

I was telling Matthew that this experience is so different than the last one. There were a lot of blood clots the first time, but this time not so much. It seemed a lot drier, so I was relieved to have at least one large clot come. I know I experienced labor the first time, but I don't recall having the sharp pains in the contractions across my abdomen and back like this time. It also didn't take as long between transition and delivery. However, start to finish was a lot of quicker this time. The first sign of blood was Wed and I delivered in the early hours of Saturday vs first blood on Monday and not delivering until the early hours of Friday. Well, it is close. Matthew's response to this conversation was that every pregnancy is different :p

I have felt pretty much at peace with the situation and have not been sad or cried about it since Wed. However, as I laid in bed this morning thinking about showering, my mind wandered to my previous births and wondered how soon after I showered. And what did I do with my boys/babies? Did someone hold them while I showered? Did I leave them in the nursery cart? I don't remember. And then I thought of those tiny babies and it made me sad to not have one to cuddle and take care of. Only then did tears come, but there were no sobs.

Someone on facebook had posted the BYI Alumni profile of a family in our ward. Since I am on bedrest, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I learned that this family lost two of their children in a row. Such heartache. It was hard to watch considering my circumstances, but when it comes to families it is all kinds of hard.

2 am

My lower back is constantly uncomfortable though massaging it helps. I am having shooting pains across my abdomen like a nerve is being hit. My contractions seem to be getting more intense but I am still not seeing much by way of clotting so I know I am a long way off yet. I have realized that the flow is about the usual for a period though the cramping is more intense than I would normally feel for my period.

I haven't exercised since Monday but I thought about it today. I haven't because I've been so uncomfortable but I've also thought that if I were at the end of a 9 month pregnancy I would be walking to get labor started. Probably walking would kick start things now too - though that idea isn't exactly appealing to me either.

In other news, Matthew told me he submitted his AGR packet last night. So now we wait and see what fate will hand us.

11:50 am and I am having stronger cramping and more blood flow.

I have a constant kind of sharp pain in my stomach today. And I'm tired. I told Matthew this morning it feels like someone punched me in the stomach :p I am not really crampy though, but my lower back still kind of aches. Still not a lot of bleeding despite having some contractions last night that I thought for sure would bring a swell of blood.

Last night I started to feel kind of crampy like I do when my period is due. I think I lost my mucus plug earlier in the day. I had a glob of green come out that I assume was it. I went to the bathroom around 11:30 pm and had a little bit of spotting and some more cramping. The other day I looked at the calendar to figure how much time passed last time between my first show of blood to the actual delivery. If I remember right, it was a Mon when I started spotting but Christmas Eve was on Friday. So it took about 5 days from start to finish. My lower back is sore today and I feel more wet and crampy this morning. I know my body is starting to do its work but we'll see how long the process will take this time.

Yesterday afternoon I was helping Jared with his homework in his room, and though I don't remember how the conversation came up, somehow we started talking about how sad I was the day before and told them that I will probably be sad for awhile. Finally Jared asked why I was sad, but then said, 'I know. Someone died.' I affirmed that guess. And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but a baby dying was mentioned and they thought I was referring to another child, but finally it started to sink in that it was OUR baby who died. It came as a complete shock for them because they had no idea. I told them that we weren't going to say anything so they wouldn't be sad, but went ahead and told them because he asked. I spoke mostly to Jared because he was fueling the conversation with questions, but Aaron was also present and expressed his grief that he wanted a baby too. Jared wanted to know why I didn't look pregnant. I told him that a baby takes about 40 weeks to grow, ours was 8 weeks when it died - the week we got back from TX. So it was really small. He wanted to know why it quit growing. I told him I have no idea, but he could ask Heavenly Father because He would know. He wondered if and suggested the doctors could find out. I told him they could, but they won't. He wanted to know if it was a girl or boy. I told him that it was too small/young to know. He said he wanted a girl baby. I told him, maybe it was going to be a boy so Heavenly Father stopped it from growing :)

I pressed upon them that I didn't want people to know about the situation so they are not to tell others. We can talk about it between ourselves but do not discuss it with others. Jared asked what if he started crying in the middle of school. Basically he wanted to know if he could discuss it with the guidance counselor who has been working so closely with him. I gave him permission because that is one more variable for him to be dealing with. I told them it was ok to cry, pray, draw pictures, write in their journal, whatever they needed to do to grieve. They both decided to draw a picture. I think it helped them because they were kind of laughing by the end with some of the things they added to it. I thought about showing them a picture from babycenter about what the baby - fetus really - looked like, but I decided to let it go.

Matthew has expressed that he keeps thinking somehow it is his fault though he knows it isn't. He has been sweet and kind and asked what he can do to help. Finally this morning I told him there really isn't anything he can do except give me a blessing. He agreed that was probably the only realistic response. He had to go to work so obviously it wasn't the right time for it, but he has the time to prepare himself mentally now and will do it when he is ready, I am sure.

This morning he discovered the happy news that he has been transferred to the Paralegal part of the unit. It happened the day after drill. This unit doesn't dawdle!! He is so excited :D It means that his opportunity is in the works. And amidst this great thing happening, I can't feel justified in being bitter about this pregnancy not working out. Obviously the Lord is orchestrating a great thing in our lives and there is a reason behind the heartache. I was continuing my reading in Ether as the Jaredites board the boats and cross the great waters. I found a great parallel there as they get swallowed up in the sea and the waves dash upon them, but they are safe inside their vessels and have the Light from Christ to guide them on the inside. They have moments of being swallowed up, but they are also brought to the surface for refreshment and respite all the while praying and singing praises for the Lord's tender mercies.

This is around 8 wks 3 days - Feb 24th. Interestingly this was the week my symptoms quit - bbs quit feeling so big and sore, I dropped a pound, and I quit feeling bloated and sick. It could be coincidence or not.

On one hand I feel a sense of peace, and on the other I don't. The fact I still have to deliver this fetus is not a happy thought for me. I will be sure to make a 'birth story' accessible for future reference though. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone at home. I'd rather have to go through this without having to acknowledge it to anyone else. I don't really want sympathy right now, but last time the bringing of a meal by Sharon the day I got the news was a real blessing. We had pizza tonight. Amazingly I really didn't feel like eating though I had no problem doing it. 

We read scriptures tonight and Aaron opened to the book of Revelations chapter 20. We read through the end of the book, but this verse felt especially poignant:

‎"And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away" ~ Revelations 20:4

8 weeks 3 days. There was the yolk sac and fetus. I should be 11 weeks this week. I will wait another week or two for my body to catch up and then if it doesn't schedule a D&C

Still no heartbeat. Heading to get an ultrasound in about 30 minutes. I believe it will be a miracle to find life inside me. I have prayed for peace, understanding and comfort.

I thought this week would pass so slowly, but it hasn't. I have felt great, been productive, and look forward to Tues!

Tuesday I felt especially good and wanted to be productive so I prayed for help in following through. My prayer was answered. Aaron ended up falling asleep after he got home from school so it allowed me to do some things around the house that I normally don't feel like can get done while he is home. I managed to clean the bathroom in the 15 minutes I had between getting home from scripture class and him getting off the bus; then once he fell asleep I did two loads of laundry, dishes, and swept and mopped the floor. I think I wore myself out though because Wed I felt so dead and did not want to do anything. Overall though, it really has been a great week.

Matthew just got home from his second day of drill at his new unit. It seems the Lord knew exactly what He was doing by transferring him there. He had an 'interview' with someone today that resulted in three things 1) he is to apply for promotion, 2) they are pushing paperwork through for him to go to 27D school (paralegal school - his dream), and 3) put in AGR packet again. When Matthew said it would stink for them to put him through school and then move out with AGR they said, 'Oh well. Look out for yourself.' SO many people have expressed those sentiments to me but it was good for him to hear it from someone with authority. He realizes he has no room for failure on his PT test, so there's more motivation for that element as well.

I am excited and look forward to what the next few months will bring and where this adventure will take us.

Yesterday I decided to check the mail because it hadn't been done in a few days and found the new Ensign had come. I was so down yesterday I really just wanted to escape and didn't spend much time in the scriptures, but at lunch I was at the table by myself and decided to open the Ensign and read the First Presidency msg. As soon as the I read the title, the feeling of the Spirit wrapped itself around me and I knew it was for me. The title, "Peace, Be Still". Here is the final quote from the article:

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so. His words in holy writ are sufficient: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I testify to this truth."

It was enough. I knew that the Lord has a plan and not to worry. It will be ok. From that moment, I did feel peace and light-hearted again. I felt like smiling and being happy again. I am thankful for that.

Still feeling disappointed, down, and weepy. I think I will ask Matthew for a blessing. I don't know that I can go two weeks with this worry and wondering. It isn't healthy. I did catch hold of the thought of Aaron and his drawing a baby in my arms and thinking he wouldn't have done it if it weren't really going to happen. I think it was too inspired. Every once in awhile he'll rub my tummy too. Though he went to the appt yesterday, I think he is too young to understand anything that was said. He could hear the doppler through the walls and just thought it was my own heartbeat.

Had my first appointment. She said my uterus was in a good position but we did not hear a heartbeat. I was hoping and praying it would somehow shine through, but it never did. She suggested that maybe I wasn't quite as far along as we thought since we don't know when I ovulated - like 7 1/2 - 8 weeks. We've scheduled another appt for March 11 hoping it will be good and strong by then to hear on the doppler. I really wish they did dating u/s :(

When I got home from the appt, Matthew was already home and Aaron ran on inside. I didn't feel like getting out of the car so I sat there reading through the packet of info they gave me. Matthew came out looking for me after not too long to check on me. When I told him that they didn't find a heartbeat a look of sadness and anger crossed his face and tears welled in his eyes. I told him they'd try again in two weeks but it did little to assuage his hurt. I am holding on to hope though.

This morning I would prefer to be actually writing in my journal instead of typing into the blog, but I am tucked in bed, my pen has walked off, and I don't feel like finding getting up and finding one.

Matthew has finally been able to be in communication with his new unit on Staten Island (an hour drive away!!). He will be a general's secretary and in a Civil Affairs unit. He was telling me about what he learned from a guy who just left the same building on the way to drill this morning (his last one at the Trenton unit) and seemed kind of excited about the types of things that they do. With such a long commute now, we need to either get his truck back in working order or get a functioning car. There is one that has been sitting on the side of the road down the street with a for sale sign. But I think he'd rather fix up the truck (though it needs a LOT of work).

I feel at a loss as to what we will do once the lease expires in May/June. Every once in awhile I think about birthing a baby in this house and I cringe. I have looked at housing options though and for the price, we might as well stay here. If we did stay, I would want the carpet changed and the screen door fixed at least. Though the dog has been a good thing, he is not good for carpet :p I look forward to the day we will be pet-less again. Coming back from TX, I look forward to having our own space again. Though it has not been bad to share the house for the most part, I am ready to be able to call the shots on where things go and have a place to put all our stuff. Matthew needs his space too. He is especially having a hard time with the situation.

There is a flower shop practically across the street from us that had a 'help wanted' sign out. I picked up an application last week - felt an urgency in doing so - but never finished it. This morning the sign was gone :/ Too late.

I am anxious for my appointment on Tues and really wish I were getting an u/s. I am feeling nervous that something might be wrong. My bbs don't hurt like they had been and I've been having some pains and a little bit of cramping this morning. I m/c at 9 wks last time which is where I am this week. I don't feel as bloated either though it could just be where I am in the pgcy too. Guess we'll see! I was supposed to do a hospital tour yesterday but didn't go since I won't deliver at that hospital, Matthew was at work, and kids weren't allowed. I probably should have called and removed my name, but I didn't.

Mike called last night to talk houses with me. The baby wasn't cooperative so they go back in two weeks to try again. They think it is a girl though.

Yesterday was spent cleaning up the boys' room. They did an amazing job and worked so hard! I gave them a break about noon on the Wii. They played for about 30 minutes then went back to finish. By 3 they were tired of it and ended up with a longer break after lunch. But, while Aaron worked on changing his sheets and doing his laundry, Jared tackled his pile of homework - and there was a LOT of it! I was especially proud of him. He worked and worked at his homework. By the time he fell asleep he was down to one and catching up his moon journal. I think he felt good about how much he accomplished yesterday too.

We were sent Just Dance and Just Dance 2 from a high school acquaintence. It has been so fun playing with the boys. Last night after they'd gone to bed I pulled out JD2 and danced for awhile. That is totally a game I could spend hours playing! I love it :)

I never really had morning sickness with my other pregnancies but this one is certainly asserting itself over my stomach. Yesterday I felt sickish most of the late afternoon and evening. I kind of wonder if it wasn't the peanut butter choco crunch ball I had as a snack - a tiny 1 TB size ball.

A couple of weeks ago I was craving peanut butter in a bad way. I finally took a big spoonful and had animal crackers with it then got a second helping. That second helping totally did me in and made me feel sick like natural peanut butter does. Ever since then it has gotten worse. At this point I can't even think about peanut butter or smell it without making me feel nauseous. I've been on a granola bar making binge and just the thought of the peanut butter in them is a turn off :(

Today Mike and Tran go for their gender u/s. So excited to find out!! I have my first appt next Tues at 1:30. The boys are still in the dark, but Aaron will have to go with me. I am not quite sure how well that will go over.... I am debating having someone watch him, but we'll see. I decided to go with the homebirth midwives on the chance that I decide to do a homebirth. I figure this will be my one opportunity to do it so I might as well. But they only do the 20 wk u/s not a dating one :( On one hand I am amazed that I am already 8 weeks and on the other hand it is passing so slowly!!

I just remembered I was supposed to be making laundry soap this morning :(

I have been musing over the timing of this event and all other things baby related. I just re-read my entries from 2010. I wished I had gone back and written a birth story because that is what I am seeking as I prepare to meet with midwives to find the right one for us. I want to know if the third followed the same pattern as J & A's. Did my water break? How long did it take to actually deliver? I remember going through transition and delivering the fetus, but I don't remember the timing.

This cycle started Dec 26. I miscarried Dec 24. What are the odds that I would get pregnant on the cycle that began when my last pregnancy ended? I even weigh the same as then. It is like a do-over with a pick up right where you left off.

I also realized that had the last pregnancy gone to term, this would be exactly 3 years later. My body seems to think that 3 years is great spacing :) And frankly, I do too.

I am bursting at the seams!! I want to tell people - especially the boys. Last night Aaron asked why he had to be born last so today I brought the topic up again and told him the only way for him to not be the last is if I had another baby. He wanted to know when we were going to have another baby. I didn't answer him though I wanted to. Instead I asked if he wanted a brother or sister. At first he said sister, but then changed it to brother. Jared insisted on a sister. I told him to pray for one. Then asked what we would call her. He said we'd already decided, "peaches".

What are the odds that this last cycle is the only one I actually know for sure when I started and how long it lasted? I also just happened to ask a new mom which clinic she went to since she used a midwife for her delivery. Unfortunately that clinic does not take Tricare :( I miss my midwives in TX!

out of the mouth of babes.....

Hmmm

Didn't think much of this at the time, but today I am wondering...