Thursday, November 4, 2010
Groundhog Day
A year ago we were in Florida enjoying a vacation at Disney - and awaiting the arrival of a period that didn't come. I find it absolutely amazing that a year ago my cycle has come full circle and again - at the exact same time - I am waiting for AF to show. I am slightly hopeful for this cycle. My temps have been SO stable and at almost 10:00 pm I am still dry on lp day 8. If I can make it through the night w/o AF showing, that will be one day better than I've been in months.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Lonely?
The other day I was thinking about whether or not our family was done and how I felt about that. As I pictured it just being Jared and Aaron getting older, it suprised me that the emotion that followed was loneliness. It felt incomplete I guess, but that really wasn't the word for it. I've been trying to figure out why it would make me feel lonely. I haven't come up with much, but I thought of other families that I know with only two children and even those with lots (4+) of children. Every family's needs are different.
I was going to type this post, but the boys came in and were talking to me. So, I shared this experience with Jared. At first I asked him if he ever felt lonely and he responded that he does when he wants to be with me. I've asked him before how he felt about having another sibling, and he told me was kind of bored with just having Aaron. He'd really like to have a little sister. So, I told him that I think the only way that is going to happen is if he pray for her and make her feel so wanted that she can't help but want to come and be part of our family. He said ok, but by tonight I think he forgot because it wasn't mentioned in his prayer (not really surprised hehe)
I was going to type this post, but the boys came in and were talking to me. So, I shared this experience with Jared. At first I asked him if he ever felt lonely and he responded that he does when he wants to be with me. I've asked him before how he felt about having another sibling, and he told me was kind of bored with just having Aaron. He'd really like to have a little sister. So, I told him that I think the only way that is going to happen is if he pray for her and make her feel so wanted that she can't help but want to come and be part of our family. He said ok, but by tonight I think he forgot because it wasn't mentioned in his prayer (not really surprised hehe)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Balanced Blessings
Fall has arrived. The cooler weather seems to have brought some balance to my hormones, and for the first time in almost a year my temps have managed to stay pretty consistent. This is the time of year that I get pregnant, and I've wondered if it is because my body equalizes with the cooler weather. It is when I am the happiest (besides spring when the weather returns to this state of cool warmth).
Over the last few months I've watched my temps range all over the place and my LP shrink to a whopping 7 days. SEVEN days!! I've been brewing and coming to terms with the thought that my body is reverting to an infertile state and the odds of another pregnancy are slim. I've noticed over the last few cycles that I would get a sharp pain in both ovaries and within hours AF would arrive. It's an interesting 'tell' and a pretty accurate one at that. At first I wondered if the poking were implantation, but it has a different feel than the times I was pregnant so I've learned to pay attention to the subtle difference. Cramps have been odd at times too. When we were on vacation I cramped almost an entire week before AF came. It was very disconcerting trying to figure out what my body was doing. Emotions have been crazy. I've noticed that once I ovulate my mood changes drastically, and I'm much grumpier. It's like I'm PMSing the whole time.
So, this cycle has been different. My temps have been consistent. I don't know exactly what day I ovulated b/c I missed two days last week for the Chickfila campout, but my temp was up the day I started again. So, I am approaching that week mark. Last cycle I thought I might make it passed the seven days because though my temp had dropped on day 6, it went back up on day 7. So far my temp has beem really consistent at 98.2. Monday I felt a really sharp pain on the right side that lasted quite a few seconds, and then yesterday my temp went to 98.4. Today it was back at 98.2, and I've been off and on crampy with that pre-AF feel. I've had a strong gag reflext the last few days too. I'm trying to not over-analyze everything, but I'm wondering if it is possible that I'll need to find our baby seat that's gone missing.
Our October budget marked the end of our savings account. All money is allocated and spent. There is absolutely no way we could have afforded a baby this year. Money is just too tight. Well, I suppose if we didn't take our roadtrip our situation would be a little different, but I really believe that it was important and necessary for us to go. Last month I fasted for our financial situation and within days Matthew was directed by the Lord to visit Lee's office. Matthew went thinking that he would just talk to him about being a reference, but Lee surprised him with a request to apply as a supervisor. I felt that this was an answer to my fast, and Matthew proceeded with the application process. He updated his resume and also began scanning the JISD job postings. I felt the offer was sacred and didn't share it with anyone until the day the supervisor's voted on the applications, at which point I solicited prayers on our behalf. A week later we received word that another applicant was selected. It was very upsetting for Matthew, but he then began applying for a lot of clerical positions within the school district, as well as substituting, and teacher's aid positions. Last week while at Chickfila he received a call requesting an interview for two positions at Eloff Elem. Today he finalized the steps necessary to be a substitute teacher. He had an appt this morning to get finger printed, and once that was accomplished he took his paperwork back to the district office to await word about attending the orientation required. Matthew said that the person in charge was talking to him about the orientation being too full, then stopped mid-sentence and told him to go anyway. He said it was like another person took over. He got in without any problem, though it was indeed full. It will take a few days to process all the new subs, but by the end of next week Matthew has the potential to be working full-time as a substitute teacher.
I know the Lord's hand is in our lives. He knows our needs and is carefully watching over us. His timing is perfect.
Over the last few months I've watched my temps range all over the place and my LP shrink to a whopping 7 days. SEVEN days!! I've been brewing and coming to terms with the thought that my body is reverting to an infertile state and the odds of another pregnancy are slim. I've noticed over the last few cycles that I would get a sharp pain in both ovaries and within hours AF would arrive. It's an interesting 'tell' and a pretty accurate one at that. At first I wondered if the poking were implantation, but it has a different feel than the times I was pregnant so I've learned to pay attention to the subtle difference. Cramps have been odd at times too. When we were on vacation I cramped almost an entire week before AF came. It was very disconcerting trying to figure out what my body was doing. Emotions have been crazy. I've noticed that once I ovulate my mood changes drastically, and I'm much grumpier. It's like I'm PMSing the whole time.
So, this cycle has been different. My temps have been consistent. I don't know exactly what day I ovulated b/c I missed two days last week for the Chickfila campout, but my temp was up the day I started again. So, I am approaching that week mark. Last cycle I thought I might make it passed the seven days because though my temp had dropped on day 6, it went back up on day 7. So far my temp has beem really consistent at 98.2. Monday I felt a really sharp pain on the right side that lasted quite a few seconds, and then yesterday my temp went to 98.4. Today it was back at 98.2, and I've been off and on crampy with that pre-AF feel. I've had a strong gag reflext the last few days too. I'm trying to not over-analyze everything, but I'm wondering if it is possible that I'll need to find our baby seat that's gone missing.
Our October budget marked the end of our savings account. All money is allocated and spent. There is absolutely no way we could have afforded a baby this year. Money is just too tight. Well, I suppose if we didn't take our roadtrip our situation would be a little different, but I really believe that it was important and necessary for us to go. Last month I fasted for our financial situation and within days Matthew was directed by the Lord to visit Lee's office. Matthew went thinking that he would just talk to him about being a reference, but Lee surprised him with a request to apply as a supervisor. I felt that this was an answer to my fast, and Matthew proceeded with the application process. He updated his resume and also began scanning the JISD job postings. I felt the offer was sacred and didn't share it with anyone until the day the supervisor's voted on the applications, at which point I solicited prayers on our behalf. A week later we received word that another applicant was selected. It was very upsetting for Matthew, but he then began applying for a lot of clerical positions within the school district, as well as substituting, and teacher's aid positions. Last week while at Chickfila he received a call requesting an interview for two positions at Eloff Elem. Today he finalized the steps necessary to be a substitute teacher. He had an appt this morning to get finger printed, and once that was accomplished he took his paperwork back to the district office to await word about attending the orientation required. Matthew said that the person in charge was talking to him about the orientation being too full, then stopped mid-sentence and told him to go anyway. He said it was like another person took over. He got in without any problem, though it was indeed full. It will take a few days to process all the new subs, but by the end of next week Matthew has the potential to be working full-time as a substitute teacher.
I know the Lord's hand is in our lives. He knows our needs and is carefully watching over us. His timing is perfect.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Empty Arms
I had really hoped that I'd be able to come home from vacation with positive news, but aside from a great trip there wasn't any. I am afraid my body has fallen back into its infertility pattern and it makes me sad, apprehensive, and guilty for all the misgivings I had about being pregnant. My arms are longing for a new baby to hold, but I am wondering if it is too late. I'm wishing I hadn't been so afraid of getting pg when Aaron was still a baby and I felt that it was time. I wish that I hadn't wished I wasn't pg all those times that I wasn't. I wish that this wasn't so all consuming. I need to trust in the Lord. I've already felt myself question the feelings I had when I was miscarrying. It's passed time for an April birth for this year, but that doesn't mean I'll never have a spring baby.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Ode to Joy
Today marks the day of 'what might have been' had it been the Lord's will. Although, with the way my births have gone, I probably would have delivered this weekend or earlier. This date (July 12th) has loomed in the back of my mind for days, but for the moment there is no real sadness in those thoughts. It is surreal to think that there could have been a new baby being integrated into our family right now. Our experiences of the last seven months would have been drastically different than what they were - and not always for the better judging how I was when I was pregnant with Aaron.
As I mowed the lawn this morning, I began compiling an "I am so blessed" list in my mind. From the mundane and trite to the not so much so, here is what I've come up with so far (in no particular order)....
1) I can mow the lawn myself instead of waiting on someone else to do it.
2) I can keep up with my boys.
3) I am not in constant pain.
4) I am able to love on my boys without having to divide my attention among three (or four if you count Matthew in there too ;) ) and enjoy their relationship with each other as best friends.
5) I am able to go on an insane 3 1/2 week long cross-country road trip at the end of the month.
6) I am able to maintain and even enlarge my piano teaching business.
7) I've been able to spend the last seven months working on getting to my goal weight (and largely succeeding).
8) Though there are moments of sadness - usually spurred by hormone changes, the Lord has given me peace.
9) We don't have to worry about doctor bills we can't pay.
10) I have incredible friends and family who have loved me and supported me in a myriad of ways.
11) We weren't really ready anyway.
12) If it had to happen, the timing and events couldn't have been better.
13) My body held on to that fetus as long as possible to give it every chance to grow if it were going to grow, so that there was no wondering or opportunity for me to think "if only"
14) There are so many others who've waited a LONG time for a baby who are getting one this summer, and I'd gladly give up my turn for them.
15) I can sleep on my back. or side. or tummy. Heck, I get to sleep!!
The list could go on and on. The Lord is mindful of me - of us. I am so grateful once again for a loving doting Father in Heaven who has encircled me in the arms of His love, allowed me to mourn, and then show me a new way. He knew of my goal to be 150 when I got pregnant again, and when I didn't succeed the first time, He gave me a second chance. I'm not saying that's why I miscarried, just that the Lord does care about what we want and will help provide a way for us to accomplish our goals. Of all things, I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and my knowledge of the plan of salvation. And through the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we were able to be sealed together in the temple as a forever family. How blessed I am!
As I mowed the lawn this morning, I began compiling an "I am so blessed" list in my mind. From the mundane and trite to the not so much so, here is what I've come up with so far (in no particular order)....
1) I can mow the lawn myself instead of waiting on someone else to do it.
2) I can keep up with my boys.
3) I am not in constant pain.
4) I am able to love on my boys without having to divide my attention among three (or four if you count Matthew in there too ;) ) and enjoy their relationship with each other as best friends.
5) I am able to go on an insane 3 1/2 week long cross-country road trip at the end of the month.
6) I am able to maintain and even enlarge my piano teaching business.
7) I've been able to spend the last seven months working on getting to my goal weight (and largely succeeding).
8) Though there are moments of sadness - usually spurred by hormone changes, the Lord has given me peace.
9) We don't have to worry about doctor bills we can't pay.
10) I have incredible friends and family who have loved me and supported me in a myriad of ways.
11) We weren't really ready anyway.
12) If it had to happen, the timing and events couldn't have been better.
13) My body held on to that fetus as long as possible to give it every chance to grow if it were going to grow, so that there was no wondering or opportunity for me to think "if only"
14) There are so many others who've waited a LONG time for a baby who are getting one this summer, and I'd gladly give up my turn for them.
15) I can sleep on my back. or side. or tummy. Heck, I get to sleep!!
The list could go on and on. The Lord is mindful of me - of us. I am so grateful once again for a loving doting Father in Heaven who has encircled me in the arms of His love, allowed me to mourn, and then show me a new way. He knew of my goal to be 150 when I got pregnant again, and when I didn't succeed the first time, He gave me a second chance. I'm not saying that's why I miscarried, just that the Lord does care about what we want and will help provide a way for us to accomplish our goals. Of all things, I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and my knowledge of the plan of salvation. And through the Atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we were able to be sealed together in the temple as a forever family. How blessed I am!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
New Life
Alright, I admit it. Today I am not ok with having lost a baby. In December I thought the new body coming would be a baby, not a new one for me. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I've been able to accomplish such an amazing feat - and it really is. I am so proud of myself for reaching my weight loss goal. But as the time draws near for when I'd be delivering, I feel a remorse. Whenever MH comments about my weight loss, this trade-off is always my first thought.
I happened to be in a position today where the first-born of the summer babies was handed to me to hold, and had the right people been around me I'd have lost it. I was next in line. Just another two weeks and I'd be full term. Aaron was two weeks early. I could have had a baby any day now.
The other side of me recognizes that there is a plan. Whenever I've gone through rough spots with the boys the last 7 months, I think how much harder it would have been had I been pregnant. I also wonder how different the boys' relationships would be if we were preparing them for another sibling. Aaron is so possessive of me, that I wonder if he needed the extra year. And honestly, I think Matthew and I did too. We were not ready. Today I am hormonal and feeling ready. Give me another few months and maybe I'll change my mind again lol But seriously, I do feel like it is time. We'll see what happens though.
July 17th is a dual baby shower for the August preggos. We'll see how I hold up.
I happened to be in a position today where the first-born of the summer babies was handed to me to hold, and had the right people been around me I'd have lost it. I was next in line. Just another two weeks and I'd be full term. Aaron was two weeks early. I could have had a baby any day now.
The other side of me recognizes that there is a plan. Whenever I've gone through rough spots with the boys the last 7 months, I think how much harder it would have been had I been pregnant. I also wonder how different the boys' relationships would be if we were preparing them for another sibling. Aaron is so possessive of me, that I wonder if he needed the extra year. And honestly, I think Matthew and I did too. We were not ready. Today I am hormonal and feeling ready. Give me another few months and maybe I'll change my mind again lol But seriously, I do feel like it is time. We'll see what happens though.
July 17th is a dual baby shower for the August preggos. We'll see how I hold up.
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